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Having Kids

paulgraham.com

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Re: Having Kids

#881

Post by ajross »

quadrifoliate wrote: post #400
munificent wrote: post #239

Earlier quoted context omitted.

Like pg notes in his essay, there's a good chance that there are members of Group B who are parents but you don't notice because they're not talking about their kids all the time.

Eh? I said that all of Group B are parents in my explanation.

But as others have pointed out, you're ignoring those of us in group A who like to talk about our kids, but also about films and hobbies and interests and all the other stuff you like.

I mean, look, it's possible your world is populated by a discernable "Group B" who "only" talk about kids and "never" hang out after work. But that's not a representative sample. Most of us parents have both lives and kids, and express both in our public lives.

I think if you look harder at your B subjects, you'd probably find that they do the same thing. I bet they talk about their new Teslas, and kitchen renovations, and vacations, and other stuff that you'd be presumptively interested in even as a single person. But because those are "family" activities I'm guessing you're lumping them in with the "kids" bucket and... maybe just refusing to engage a little?

Again, it doesn't make you a bad person to hate kids. But if you do, at least recognize that it is you that is doing the isolation here. Parents are more interesting than you might think.

Re: Having Kids

#882

Post by S_Bear »

anon9001 wrote: post #440
pbhjpbhj wrote: post #294

Earlier quoted context omitted.

So you consider your life so far has been only pain, nothing of worth or fulfillment because you've not had a nest of millions-of-dollars to lie in? You'd rather not have lived? Do you resent your parents having you? [Questions, not rhetorical statements, genuine curiosity.] It's certainly an issue for many when considering parenthood - is it fair to raise a child in this situation - but I've not seen it expressed so…

Honestly? No, yes, and somewhat. > So you consider your life so far has been only pain, nothing of worth or fulfillment because you've not had a nest of millions-of-dollars to lie in? Not only pain, but definitely not actualized either. My life to date is a gamble that I'll maybe be able to achieve autonomy before death. If I was born into wealth, I would have started with autonomy. Not everyone is cut out for work,…

My mother always told me that having kids was a sucker bet. My ancestors sacrificed for millions of years to have offspring and the first one to figure that out and cash out their chips is the winner.

Note: I was my mother's only child and an accidental baby, which caused some resentment from both parents. I got snipped in my early 20s.

Re: Having Kids

#883

Post by georgediaz »

winrid wrote: post #830
hodgesrm wrote: post #583

Earlier quoted context omitted.

Why did you decide to have kids? This is a serious question.

It makes your life meaningful in a way nothing else can.

Politely disagree. I feel like one should already have found a way to make their life meaningful before having a kid. Having a child just adds to it, changes the nature of that meaningfulness, enhances it ... but not be the cause of it.

Re: Having Kids

#884

Post by all_usernames »

throwaway2519 wrote: post #405
lordnacho wrote: post #269

Earlier quoted context omitted.

Your kids are at the age before school where they are the hardest to deal with. Once a kid gets to school, magic happens. I mean it. - They get tired from learning stuff. And the teachers know how to deal with them. - They learn how to behave in a group. They start having actual friends. - You get a bunch of friends who are in the same situation as you, and you can use their kids to cancel out yours. (AKA playdates)…

> my kids started school at 4. I've put them in full time after school care as well, ending at 6pm > you get them asleep before 8pm > you can give them a book and that will keep them quiet And then people wonder why kids don't listen to and respect their parents when they grow up. You're basically just giving school teachers full control to raise your kids at age of 4, and they only interact with you for 1-2 hours du…

Also, introverts need time alone. Quiet time. This is equally true for parents. It's not just a preference; it's a need. Without this, introverts are literally incapable of taking care of themselves or another human being.

Re: Having Kids

#885

Post by yitchelle »

exclusiv wrote: post #857
yitchelle wrote: post #849

Earlier quoted context omitted.

Thanks for being open with your experiences. I can't disagree with any of your points. Tough love in parenting is essential part of bringing up kids, and that definitely allow a family to function in a sane manner, and not dictated by wishes of the child. Our kids are on the Autistism Spectrum, and my wife has a genetic disease. She stresses about herself and our kid's future. I stresses about those two items and my…

Yeah that definitely makes it even more challenging then. Thanks for sharing. I'm kind of similar with regard to stress. My problem is I rarely share any stress and I rarely show it, so my wife used to assume I'm never stressed. So sharing more has helped. She then understands why I might need some of my hobby time to maintain a clear mind and sanity. I also try to help her get time away from the kids because I know…

In regards to taking time away from the kids, I would judge her resistance no more than typical when compared to other mums in similar situations. She sees it as a chance for father-child bonding time, so she does not feel any guilt from being away from the kids.

Have you found a way to balance family life against hobby life against work life for you and family? I am still searching.

Re: Having Kids

#886

Post by daxfohl »

burfog wrote: post #685
kelnos wrote: post #542

Earlier quoted context omitted.

Thank you for saying that. There's a huge taboo around admitting (even privately!) any regrets around having children, but I imagine there are quite a few people who'd say so if only they weren't too afraid to.

Another taboo is not loving them equally. I admit to regrets about some of them. I like the others very much. It's too bad I couldn't pick my kids by personality. The random draw has been mixed.

Agree with this. I love my kids like crazy. But I see other parents here that are doing circuit boards and such with their kids, and mine are just not interested at all, and I can't help but wonder what it would be like if.

Re: Having Kids

#887

Post by all_usernames »

DrAwdeOccarim wrote: post #867
DaniloDias wrote: post #859

Earlier quoted context omitted.

>> What did you mean by, "values"? What kind of things should I be be figuring out now that my kids are 4 and 2? What your life goals are. Identify what your purpose is. I developed expertise and experienced in a field that was rare. I like what I work on. I knew that I needed to like what I do and find pride in my work. I also have a long history of creativity. I feel like I will be judged by what I have created. I…

My life goals are to take care of my family and have a material positive impact on human health, in that order. I guess what worries me is that both of these are long-haul, compounding-type efforts when I've spent my entire life pursuing short-term goals like finish school-grade, finish college, finish grad school, finish post doc, start job. Now that I've been working in my career for the longest stretch of my life…

Pro tip: Pick 'values' that don't require unlocking experience points, hitting milestones, or achieving things in this transitory world. Values that you can just do, now.

E.g., love well.

Re: Having Kids

#888

Post by cameron_b »

raducu wrote: post #819
lordnacho wrote: post #269

Earlier quoted context omitted.

Your kids are at the age before school where they are the hardest to deal with. Once a kid gets to school, magic happens. I mean it. - They get tired from learning stuff. And the teachers know how to deal with them. - They learn how to behave in a group. They start having actual friends. - You get a bunch of friends who are in the same situation as you, and you can use their kids to cancel out yours. (AKA playdates)…

Sleep before 8pm? Is that even possible?(my daughter is almost 2 and not yet in daycare, which means she never goes to her night sleeps before 11pm).

I want to bolster the reply you already got. Regularity Is everything for little ones, and it was hard for us to get in a good rhythm with sleep. My wife lead the charge ( as she was the one our LO wanted at night, even after being well fed before bed ) and read a lot of material on sleep patterns. She started a routine of dinner - bath - reading - bed, with a target of 7:15 for bed. the first two nights were hard. building the pattern means sticking to your guns, making sure he -really does- have everything he needs, getting him tired and then not getting him out of the crib. Having your kid wailing in the next room is the worst thing in the world, but knowing that you're working on something that will help everyone is the only reason to let him "cry to sleep." We did 5 - 10 - 15 minute interval checks to soothe him, remind him we were still there, build confidence and independence, and on day two he "got it" and went to sleep after the second check. Now he's down within 30 minutes of 7:15 and sleeps really well. He still gets up in the middle of the night, and being sick or cold throw it all off, but he gets back on track. He's 16 months now and has been sleeping well for four months. Its a life changer. I hope you get some sleep.

Re: Having Kids

#889

Post by ev0lv »

basilisks wrote: post #282
codingdave wrote: post #210

Earlier quoted context omitted.

It gets better - My kids range from 14 to 9.The 14 year old is hanging out with friends and making jewelry. The 12 year old is sitting in my bedroom, reading. The 9 year old is playing games. I'm coding on personal projects, and my wife is in the basement making blankets. We have an entire day of just all doing whatever we want. Weekdays are busier with school and work, but you the point is that you do get your time…

Thank you for this. My son is 2 and legally blind, so needless to say we have no life outside of him for now, but he is a joy. I would trade none of this for nothing. Often I feel like I will never again be able to have a life, read a book, finish a project, have an idea. I know that it gets better and that I should cherish the moments we have while he is so young (and I do), but it’s hard to see more than a foot in…

Did you by chance have any cats in the house when your wife was pregnant? Looking for anecdotal evidence relating to something I've read about.

Re: Having Kids

#890

Post by actfrench »

I've been a teacher for 15 years in public, private schools - and as a tutor to about 2000+ kids in 3 countries - and am now starting to think about ways to develop a new education model with a more flexible school schedule that would allow for more family time and greater parent participation in learning. I'd love to connect with parents who might be interested in this idea to discuss their hopes and dreams for their child's education (especially in San Francisco). If you're willing to chat, you can contact me at manisha[at]manisharose.com thanks!
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