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Having Kids

paulgraham.com

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Re: Having Kids

#541

Post by aianus »

yters wrote: post #383
haberman wrote: post #43

As someone who has wrestled a lot with the question of whether I ever want kids, I've sought out data. One thing I came across was this: https://www.salon.com/2017/05/09/google-confessional-your-se... > Adults with children are 3.6 times more likely to tell Google they regret their decision than are adults without children. I'd be curious if others have data on this. I'm especially interested in how many people have…

Another data point of interest: how many kids regret being had? I don't!

1.4% of people globally end up dying by suicide.

Re: Having Kids

#542

Post by kelnos »

daxfohl wrote: post #258

So my experience was the opposite. I came in expecting this great "chemical change" where suddenly the world revolved around my kids and their future. Well the latter part is true: my world now revolves around them and their futures. But chemical change? No. It's just the responsibility I have now. There's never a break. It's all-encompassing. I mean, it's survivable, I can deal with it, and I do the best I can, but,…

Thank you for saying that. There's a huge taboo around admitting (even privately!) any regrets around having children, but I imagine there are quite a few people who'd say so if only they weren't too afraid to.

Re: Having Kids

#543

Post by austhrow743 »

ElCapitanMarkla wrote: post #488
daxfohl wrote: post #425

I'd even go further and say it's irresponsible these days to post things like this. If nothing else, because we know the Earth cannot support many more people. Or at least it's looking that way. I think as a society we need to get away from sappy Hallmark channel stuff like this and celebrate the individual. We should not be made to feel like having kids is some transcendental thing. Studies consistently show childle…

What a load of shit and a miserable view to have. Having kids is the best thing I’ve ever done and the happiest I’ve ever been.

You're an ecological catastrophe though. We should be shaming people away from your choices not pushing people towards them.

Re: Having Kids

#544

Post by triangleman »

glangdale wrote: post #465
triangleman wrote: post #131

Hey guys. Anyone else have the experience of having kids, getting a burst of energy, but of course all that energy goes directly back into the kids and house, and you have absolutely no life for 3-5 years or more? Because my kids are 2 and 4 and so far it's been 4 years of no life, no freelance clients, almost no learning/hobbies, just 35-40 hours a week of working as much as I can at the office and then everything i…

I empathize, having been in a very similar position, but it's time for some tough love. You need to grow up and deal with your life as it is now. You are getting 35-40 hours a week of structured time at the office away from your kids and you're complaining about not having enough time to absorb your "bursts of energy"? Only a "couple hours" to think about something interesting before getting 7 hours of healthy sleep?…

You are right, of course. My work is already quite rewarding so I do need to work on tempering my expectations.

Thank you. I will try to enjoy these moments as a parent more.

Re: Having Kids

#545

Post by phs318u »

Am coming to this discussion a bit late, but having raised two kids, now adults, the advice I would give myself 20 years ago would be this:

1. Your children are not mini-me's. They are independent little munchkins that transition through confused, pained and painful teens into eventual adulthood. Don't expect them to behave or respond like you.

2. Be present. This isn't about quantity of time spent or kinds of activities shared. It's about quality = anytime your kid knows you care and enjoy being with them.

3. Focus on the journey not the outcomes. Read anything you can about "stoic parenting".

4. Don't be a hypocrite. Every lesson you give your kid must be applicable to you. If not, then shut up. There's no faster way to parenting failure than hypocrisy.

I'm not sure if this advice would have changed things too much. But it would have made all our journeys easier.

Re: Having Kids

#546

Post by johnwheeler »

theli0nheart wrote: post #517
johnwheeler wrote: post #133

There are a few things I can identify that makes my experience with my own children same as PGs. The first is extremely low expectations of what having children would be like. The last 7 years or my life have been the best, by far. I have lost a lot of ambition, but I welcome the loss. It feels good to look at the lot I’ve carved out for myself, which is fine by any standard, and breathe and just enjoy my time and li…

Wow, that’s really impressive. 23 years of marriage at 40 is a rare (and amazing!) thing.

Well, we've been married for 17 and were together 6 years before, but thanks! :-)

Re: Having Kids

#547

Post by kmarc »

coldtea wrote: post #523
throwaway2519 wrote: post #405

Earlier quoted context omitted.

> my kids started school at 4. I've put them in full time after school care as well, ending at 6pm > you get them asleep before 8pm > you can give them a book and that will keep them quiet And then people wonder why kids don't listen to and respect their parents when they grow up. You're basically just giving school teachers full control to raise your kids at age of 4, and they only interact with you for 1-2 hours du…

> and they only interact with you for 1-2 hours during the day and don't really know who you are As if 1-2 hours per day is "little"? That's not in any way why kids "don't listen to and respect their parents when they grow up". Kids spent even less "quality time" with their parents (a relatively modern boomer invention) back in the old times when they did fully "listened to and respected" them.

Hmm... I thought the 9-5, office work, working for other people/businesses are the modern inventions and for tens of thousands of years mankind spent 80%+ of the day with their offsprings/families/villages.

It's interesting to think that "quality time" which in this context simply means "2 hours per day together" should be enough. This is not how humans evolved.

As harsh as it sounds, the philosophical question above is quite legit: why have kids in the first place if they are then put into daycare until they are grown enough to not to have to care about them anymore at all...

Re: Having Kids

#548

Post by triangleman »

coldtea wrote: post #521
triangleman wrote: post #131

Hey guys. Anyone else have the experience of having kids, getting a burst of energy, but of course all that energy goes directly back into the kids and house, and you have absolutely no life for 3-5 years or more? Because my kids are 2 and 4 and so far it's been 4 years of no life, no freelance clients, almost no learning/hobbies, just 35-40 hours a week of working as much as I can at the office and then everything i…

> Anyone else have the experience of having kids, getting a burst of energy, but of course all that energy goes directly back into the kids and house, and you have absolutely no life for 3-5 years or more? Because my kids are 2 and 4 and so far it's been 4 years of no life, no freelance clients, almost no learning/hobbies, just 35-40 hours a week of working as much as I can at the office and then everything is about…

Yes, I know how blessed I am to have what I have. Thank you for the reminder.

Re: Having Kids

#549

Post by kelnos »

daxfohl wrote: post #425

I'd even go further and say it's irresponsible these days to post things like this. If nothing else, because we know the Earth cannot support many more people. Or at least it's looking that way. I think as a society we need to get away from sappy Hallmark channel stuff like this and celebrate the individual. We should not be made to feel like having kids is some transcendental thing. Studies consistently show childle…

> Studies consistently show childless people are happiest irrespective of age.

Funny, another poster somewhere here suggested that studies show people with young children are less happy, but after about 5 years old or so, happiness is roughly the same, and after the parents turn 60, happiness and health tends to be higher than for older people without kids.

No one seems to be posting sources, so it's hard to verify these claims.

Re: Having Kids

#550

Post by kelnos »

ElCapitanMarkla wrote: post #488
daxfohl wrote: post #425

I'd even go further and say it's irresponsible these days to post things like this. If nothing else, because we know the Earth cannot support many more people. Or at least it's looking that way. I think as a society we need to get away from sappy Hallmark channel stuff like this and celebrate the individual. We should not be made to feel like having kids is some transcendental thing. Studies consistently show childle…

What a load of shit and a miserable view to have. Having kids is the best thing I’ve ever done and the happiest I’ve ever been.

That's great for you, but the entire point of this subthread is that everyone is different, and what works for some people doesn't work for others.
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