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Having Kids

paulgraham.com

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Re: Having Kids

#831

Post by originalbryan2 »

nyczomg wrote: post #731
triangleman wrote: post #131

Hey guys. Anyone else have the experience of having kids, getting a burst of energy, but of course all that energy goes directly back into the kids and house, and you have absolutely no life for 3-5 years or more? Because my kids are 2 and 4 and so far it's been 4 years of no life, no freelance clients, almost no learning/hobbies, just 35-40 hours a week of working as much as I can at the office and then everything i…

As a father of 4 year old twins, all I can say is that you have described my life. We also bought a fixer upper when our kids were about 2 years old. I have nothing to contribute other than an upvote, and a plan to read through the comments in this thread. Life is hard. I feel beat down and depressed a lot. I would also love some words of wisdom. All I can contribute to this discuss is that I can relate. My kids (and…

Lol I thought this was my post for a moment. Hi copy of myself!

Re: Having Kids

#832

Post by unfocused »

FranzFerdiNaN wrote: post #729
unfocused wrote: post #673

Earlier quoted context omitted.

-Do go on vacations with your kids. You are investing in having them travel with you in the future, and liking it. You can do it! Just give them tasks and treat them with respect. -Ignore the kids menu. It's shit. Just order off the regular menu and share with your kids. -Some kids are hard to raise, some are easy. You will probably have both if you many more than 1. C'est la vie. -If you're like me and value time, g…

You should most definitely not take them on vacation and traveling. You are already forcing them to live their adult lives in a world wrecked by climate change, no need to hasten the demise even faster. Stay at home and teach them skills useful in their future, like growing crops and repairing failing machinery.

My 8 year old has his own workbench, and all the kids in the neighborhood garden. Thanks for mentioning that.

Regarding travelling, to each their own. Remember though, seeing new things and meeting new people is what broadens horizons. No need to even take a plane if you don't want. Simple driving trips to start are a great way to begin.

Re: Having Kids

#833

Post by anonu »

d_burfoot wrote: post #97

Note that PG has two incredibly important positive factors that make his experience of parenthood much better: he has a great partner, and he is very wealthy. People who don't have these power-ups might have much more mixed feelings about the experience. I would actually like to have kids, but from a young age I decided that I would not do so unless I achieved financial independence. The reason is that if I were forc…

Life decisions and outcomes go through a big calculation engine. Every life scenario has pros and cons, associated probabilities and timeframes.

So, financial independence: obvious pros. Cons: low probability event in short time frame.

Kids: pros: they're awesome. They make you very happy on balance. (I would assign a high probability to that). Obviously a subjective point of view. They are also way lower maintenance (cost) than you think. Cons: they take up a lot of your time.

Also there are interaction effects. Getting kids will reduce your available time needed to work to get financial independence.

So you need to weigh these things out. Point is, money (or lack of it) shouldn't be too much of a deciding factor in the kids decision. IMHO

Re: Having Kids

#834

Post by perlgeek »

city41 wrote: post #393
perlgeek wrote: post #350

Earlier quoted context omitted.

Oh, the age old question for meaning in life. There are basically three possible answers to that: 1) The scientific one you alluded to. Our purpose is to make our genes survive (though that in turn serves no greater purpose, that's just the mechanics of evolution) 2) religious / spiritual reasons, if you believe in those 3) the realization that a rational meaning (or lack thereof) doesn't matter much if you feel a se…

Finding meaning through kids means the kids then need to find meaning. It's kind of like a pyramid scheme.

But it can be an inverse pyramid scheme: just one kid for two parents, leading to an exponential decline. Better than your average pyramid scheme :-)

Re: Having Kids

#835

Post by topkai22 »

raducu wrote: post #817
topkai22 wrote: post #654

Earlier quoted context omitted.

I can concur- we have got to the 3 and 5 stage and then choose to have another. That one year while they were both pre-school age was glorious, the kids were getting so much easier. Now we are back to never having time again. For me the one of the best things about having kids is that they give me so much perspective. I might have had a great day or an awful day at work, but no matter what I’m feeling I still have to…

Can I ask what your age is? My wife and I are 36 and age is one reason I'm not as keen as my wife on having another child.

35. Our energy levels are fine for raising the kids, although there are always moments of doubt... :)

Re: Having Kids

#836

Post by exclusiv »

yitchelle wrote: post #378
shantly wrote: post #222

Earlier quoted context omitted.

Having young kids is like working 80 hour weeks. In fact it basically is that, just at two jobs rather than one. Plus you spend a lot more time keeping house, on top of it. Most people don't have much left to give working those kinds of hours. Personally, I've had to dramatically cut back on hobbies and keeping up with various media, even, and all but drop some categories (I bet I spend 5% as much time gaming as I us…

My wife and I are having a discussion about this very point that has lasted since our first child 14 years ago. She argue that I may have two jobs where one lasts 8 hours and the other lasts 16 hours whereas she as the one job that lasts 24 hours. The only difference is that I get to change my scenery and work environment, allow a refresh if you will, and allow a stresses to take a break. For her, she stays in the sa…

Not saying yours does but my wife makes things way harder than they need to be at times. Like dinner. She lets my 2 yr old climb on her and eat her plate instead of his. So her dinner is often ruined. She gives in to his whining for snacks he doesn't need. Other things take way longer for her than me because she doesn't establish ground rules. He's an angel when I change his diaper and when I put him down for bed. He fights her getting into his car seat. Even at 2, they're smart enough to exploit. I don't think many parents understand that.

If you don't take time for yourself, let the kids own you, then yes it's really hard.

I put my 2 yr old in daycare twice a week and that really helped my wife's sanity and also helped him learn a lot. I encourage her to nap when the kid is and she rarely does.

I don't think you'll ever win that argument but whatever u can do to enable her to have more time for herself, get more sleep, etc, that will be good for you, your wife and probably the kid(s) too!

My theory is that the best thing you can do in raising a kid is having a great marriage. So I don't like this putting the kids first stuff. It's a bad perspective. You end up arguing over who's doing that more and you won't get the credit you deserve for working. If your perspective is focused on the marriage then I think the rest falls in place. What are your needs? What are your wife's? The kids will be great when you two are great. And they'll learn how to have a healthy relationship w a significant other!

Re: Having Kids

#837

Post by sibeliuss »

gist wrote: post #813
Cougher wrote: post #773

Earlier quoted context omitted.

Another older guy here. I can barely wrap my head around how much I disagree with this comment. Spend your focus on acquiring money for your kids leads to kids who want money from you. Spend your focus on giving love to your kids leads to kids who want love from you.

> Spend your focus on acquiring money for your kids leads to kids who want money from you. I didn't say that that. And nothing wrong with kids who want money from their parents. It does not mean that they are worthless in their own right. I deal with many people (in what I do) who have very wealthy parents. And despite the stereotype they are not living off their parents but sure they take advantage of the things tha…

yawn

Re: Having Kids

#838

Post by triangleman »

raducu wrote: post #819
lordnacho wrote: post #269

Earlier quoted context omitted.

Your kids are at the age before school where they are the hardest to deal with. Once a kid gets to school, magic happens. I mean it. - They get tired from learning stuff. And the teachers know how to deal with them. - They learn how to behave in a group. They start having actual friends. - You get a bunch of friends who are in the same situation as you, and you can use their kids to cancel out yours. (AKA playdates)…

Sleep before 8pm? Is that even possible?(my daughter is almost 2 and not yet in daycare, which means she never goes to her night sleeps before 11pm).

Yes it's absolutely possible. At age 2 my son gets one nap and goes to bed at 7pm (after dark). Use the circadian rhythm to your advantage.

Re: Having Kids

#839

Post by coolblue19 »

triangleman wrote: post #131

Hey guys. Anyone else have the experience of having kids, getting a burst of energy, but of course all that energy goes directly back into the kids and house, and you have absolutely no life for 3-5 years or more? Because my kids are 2 and 4 and so far it's been 4 years of no life, no freelance clients, almost no learning/hobbies, just 35-40 hours a week of working as much as I can at the office and then everything i…

I have twin babies who are 2 years old. No matter now much you plan, nothing prepares you for life after a child is born. I agree that you do not get time for 2-3 years after they are born, but weekends become better as children become older and are able to play on their own.

Re: Having Kids

#840

Post by triangleman »

abalone wrote: post #186
triangleman wrote: post #131

Hey guys. Anyone else have the experience of having kids, getting a burst of energy, but of course all that energy goes directly back into the kids and house, and you have absolutely no life for 3-5 years or more? Because my kids are 2 and 4 and so far it's been 4 years of no life, no freelance clients, almost no learning/hobbies, just 35-40 hours a week of working as much as I can at the office and then everything i…

> Just looking for some dads who can relate and maybe give some wisdom on the subject of having young kids and losing your ability to work on something interesting--which to be fair I never did before having kids Your problem is not that your kids have blocked you from interesting work. In fact it sounds like quite the opposite: you are so passionate and rewarded by childcare that it has inspired you like never befor…

The funny thing is, I have a pretty interesting day job. I think I have too high expectations to be able to also have, for instance, a side job. And friends. And a healthy marriage. Gotta prioritize, I think.
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