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Having Kids

paulgraham.com

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Re: Having Kids

#731

Post by nyczomg »

triangleman wrote: post #131

Hey guys. Anyone else have the experience of having kids, getting a burst of energy, but of course all that energy goes directly back into the kids and house, and you have absolutely no life for 3-5 years or more? Because my kids are 2 and 4 and so far it's been 4 years of no life, no freelance clients, almost no learning/hobbies, just 35-40 hours a week of working as much as I can at the office and then everything i…

As a father of 4 year old twins, all I can say is that you have described my life. We also bought a fixer upper when our kids were about 2 years old. I have nothing to contribute other than an upvote, and a plan to read through the comments in this thread.

Life is hard. I feel beat down and depressed a lot. I would also love some words of wisdom. All I can contribute to this discuss is that I can relate.

My kids (and I’m sure yours) are such amazing people. I love them so much. But I fear I have lost the ability to care about or love myself. We do finally have a great house to raise them in after many nights of back breaking labor done after coding all day.

I know so many people have it so much harder than me. Which makes it feel wrong to feel so broken. But there it is. I’ll probably delete this post out of shame but if you read it maybe you’ll know you’re not alone.

Re: Having Kids

#732

Post by MrGilbert »

My girlfriend and I are raising my sister after my parents passed away. It‘s a whole different set of experience, because she started living with us when she was 15. That was 2 years ago. (I‘m 33, my girlfriend is 39)

And you realize that it‘s difficult to deal with someone who grew up differently. I left our parents house when my sister was 5. My girlfriend grew up completely different. And then you have a teenager, who, besides the fact that having a teenager is a whole different story, also doesn‘t share your mindset at all, because you didn‘t raise her.

Our time is running up. My gf is turning 40 next year, and we don‘t have kids on our own. After these years (I think my sister will move out in the next 24 months, as she turns 18 next year), we are not sure if we want to have kids at all.

It‘s difficult.

Re: Having Kids

#733

Post by ct520 »

triangleman wrote: post #131

Hey guys. Anyone else have the experience of having kids, getting a burst of energy, but of course all that energy goes directly back into the kids and house, and you have absolutely no life for 3-5 years or more? Because my kids are 2 and 4 and so far it's been 4 years of no life, no freelance clients, almost no learning/hobbies, just 35-40 hours a week of working as much as I can at the office and then everything i…

Dad of three kids + two dependents. One child special needs, no other income to dependent on. No degree, started in field at a late age after having two children.

First off, if I can find time anyone can.

I’ll be blunt. Sounds like you just don’t want to do it.

When you want to do something I mean you Really want to do something it will get done. Otherwise it requires discipline. Simple as that. No shame in saying you rather spend time with your family then work on a project.

Re: Having Kids

#734

Post by larusso »

codingdave wrote: post #210
triangleman wrote: post #131

Hey guys. Anyone else have the experience of having kids, getting a burst of energy, but of course all that energy goes directly back into the kids and house, and you have absolutely no life for 3-5 years or more? Because my kids are 2 and 4 and so far it's been 4 years of no life, no freelance clients, almost no learning/hobbies, just 35-40 hours a week of working as much as I can at the office and then everything i…

It gets better - My kids range from 14 to 9.The 14 year old is hanging out with friends and making jewelry. The 12 year old is sitting in my bedroom, reading. The 9 year old is playing games. I'm coding on personal projects, and my wife is in the basement making blankets. We have an entire day of just all doing whatever we want. Weekdays are busier with school and work, but you the point is that you do get your time…

Thanks for this comment. My kids range from 8 to 3 and as I see the changes slowly creeping into our life’s (the occasional evening dinner or even weekend trips) the majority is a constant schedule. Getting up at 6am. Getting them ready for daycare and school (we have no longer time for a shared breakfast ever since my oldest is in school). The getting the younger ones to the daycare and head off to work. Here I get a relaxing morning as most others start two to three hours later. Then at five sharp going home and play with the kids and have dinner. After that the going to bed routine starts which can be, depending on the kids mood and of course oneself mood either be easy going or a terror ritual. I love the former ones. After all kids are in bed my partner and I have time for us. Or do we? There is of course the house and preparations for the next day etc. and the next morning the whole thing starts all over again.

Re: Having Kids

#735

Post by hhhhhhhhfhjc »

I just have to chime in.

My daughter is almost three years.

I am a small business owner (half a million in revenue).

My girlfriend (we’re together since our teens and both in our 30ties) and I decided she’ll stay home until our daughter is ready for school (when she is 4 years).

The pregnancy was complicated and birth became an emergency c-section.

The moment our daughter was delivered I felt nothing less than absolute all encompassing love. I am sure we had it relatively easy once the pregnancy was over as our baby was a happy bundle of joy that slept well and didn’t cry a lot.

It brought me so much focus in my life, all that is not important I can’t any longer tolerate, this goes professionally as well, it has become a proxy for doing the important things right and a source of love, joy and wonder.

For me becoming a parent has been magical from the get go.

Re: Having Kids

#736

Post by abalone »

czbond wrote: post #263
abalone wrote: post #186

Earlier quoted context omitted.

> Just looking for some dads who can relate and maybe give some wisdom on the subject of having young kids and losing your ability to work on something interesting--which to be fair I never did before having kids Your problem is not that your kids have blocked you from interesting work. In fact it sounds like quite the opposite: you are so passionate and rewarded by childcare that it has inspired you like never befor…

While I get the sentiment, I'd suggest many aren't built this way. Feelers are, and find value in the "feeling" of feeling needed, providing, caretaking. There are groups (of which I am one) who find literally no personal value in that. Childrearing is a series of rote tasks, performed repeatedly, that are performed on billions of humans raised. If anything, childrearing made me suic-idal for years at the mind-numbin…

But the person I’m responding to is clearly built this way, and is just dealing with lack of interest in their day job. You’ve got a completely separate set of issues going on regarding caring for other humans. I wish you well.

Re: Having Kids

#737

Post by shinryuu »

FranzFerdiNaN wrote: post #729
unfocused wrote: post #673

Earlier quoted context omitted.

-Do go on vacations with your kids. You are investing in having them travel with you in the future, and liking it. You can do it! Just give them tasks and treat them with respect. -Ignore the kids menu. It's shit. Just order off the regular menu and share with your kids. -Some kids are hard to raise, some are easy. You will probably have both if you many more than 1. C'est la vie. -If you're like me and value time, g…

You should most definitely not take them on vacation and traveling. You are already forcing them to live their adult lives in a world wrecked by climate change, no need to hasten the demise even faster. Stay at home and teach them skills useful in their future, like growing crops and repairing failing machinery.

There is always the option of a staycation. A vacation doesn't need to mean that you travel far away.

Re: Having Kids

#738

Post by blargmaster33 »

triangleman wrote: post #131

Hey guys. Anyone else have the experience of having kids, getting a burst of energy, but of course all that energy goes directly back into the kids and house, and you have absolutely no life for 3-5 years or more? Because my kids are 2 and 4 and so far it's been 4 years of no life, no freelance clients, almost no learning/hobbies, just 35-40 hours a week of working as much as I can at the office and then everything i…

" but of course all that energy goes directly back into the kids and house"

Yes and that is the FUCKING point! Men provide for his womsn and his offspring, that is what have given us civilization.

Work on something interesting you say? You work on your family! That is the best work there is.

Re: Having Kids

#739

Post by abalashov »

kortilla wrote: post #724
abalashov wrote: post #675

Earlier quoted context omitted.

This question assumes that daycare is just, generically, a warehouse for kids. That is certainly true of some daycares. Some do perform a useful pedagogical function, more in line with what one can expect in more well-developed public state kindergarten/preschool/daycare systems in the Western European states. Moreover, as a sibling commenter pointed out, they get to see other kids there and develop socially--and thi…

American kids in the suburbs play with each other without being placed in daycare intern camps (at least out here in the west).

It surely depends on the suburb, and seems to be a regional phenomenon to some extent. It's definitely not true here in the southeast in my extensive experience.

Re: Having Kids

#740

Post by abalashov »

ericd wrote: post #698
abalashov wrote: post #651

Earlier quoted context omitted.

Amen! I wrote about this (and other) aspect(s) of suburbia in an article that gathered some controversy on HN a while back: https://likewise.am/2016/05/08/why-suburbia-sucks/

Do you know of any places in the US that buck this trend?

In degrees. In my opinion, NYC, Chicago and SF are about the only cities recognisable to a European, and even then, a great many of their denizens reside in suburban settings hardly differing from 99% of Middle America (apart from costing 4x more).

Having grown up in the Midwest/Rust Belt and then moved to the southeast, I can safely say that older cities up north are more dense and have some aspects of traditional community building. The south - with its pervasive new construction and far-aflung exurbs and cookie-cutter subdivisions - seems to be the absolute worst. Not sure how things are in the middle of the country. The west seems to vary a lot.

But no, I don't really know any place in the US, apart from inner-city NYC, Chicago, SF and maybe Seattle and Portland and one or two other places, that isn't fundamentally car-dependent. Life in the vast majority of the US is quite homogenous in this regard, at a general level.

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