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Having Kids

paulgraham.com

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Re: Having Kids

#761

Post by Cougher »

aklemm wrote: post #232
triangleman wrote: post #131

Hey guys. Anyone else have the experience of having kids, getting a burst of energy, but of course all that energy goes directly back into the kids and house, and you have absolutely no life for 3-5 years or more? Because my kids are 2 and 4 and so far it's been 4 years of no life, no freelance clients, almost no learning/hobbies, just 35-40 hours a week of working as much as I can at the office and then everything i…

Ages 1-4 were absolutely brutal for me. I'd do it again, but I'd go in giving up any pretense that I was going to maintain anything like a life. I was an at-home parent for those years, and really struggled having no escape from it. I maintained a pretense that I was keeping up on my field and doing various other things, and I did put in a good deal time on that, but it was not well-spent. I should've given up that i…

Good comment and yes, all-in parenting is a big deal. In fact, careers are obviously important because they're needed to survive and provide, but how we raise our children and prepare them for life is, in many ways, far more important than whatever tasks we may be performing at work.

"Warning: I hear the teenage years can be just as daunting at the toddler/preschool years, but for different reasons."

This was not my experience at all and it may not be yours if you've engaged your children in reasoning rather than "because I said so" disciplining; if you've developed a loving relationship with your kids instead of an adversarial one.

Re: Having Kids

#762

Post by Gibbon1 »

nyczomg wrote: post #731
triangleman wrote: post #131

Hey guys. Anyone else have the experience of having kids, getting a burst of energy, but of course all that energy goes directly back into the kids and house, and you have absolutely no life for 3-5 years or more? Because my kids are 2 and 4 and so far it's been 4 years of no life, no freelance clients, almost no learning/hobbies, just 35-40 hours a week of working as much as I can at the office and then everything i…

As a father of 4 year old twins, all I can say is that you have described my life. We also bought a fixer upper when our kids were about 2 years old. I have nothing to contribute other than an upvote, and a plan to read through the comments in this thread. Life is hard. I feel beat down and depressed a lot. I would also love some words of wisdom. All I can contribute to this discuss is that I can relate. My kids (and…

With your kids at 4 you're getting very close to it getting easier. Kids become much more independent and capable between 4 and 7.

Re: Having Kids

#763

Post by Cougher »

Aeolun wrote: post #551
sershe wrote: post #310

Earlier quoted context omitted.

One of the reasons I'm never having kids is seeing just this pattern. For everyone I can recall right now, it lasts forever. They have more time later but the drive is gone. I've actually seen a few of people with a shared hobby and a toddler be like "kids won't stop me from doing X, in fact it's going to be better with kids to teach/inspire/...!", and then they disappear forever (up to 5 years so far). Or (skiing ex…

From my experience, this is absolutely true. I figured children wouldn’t interfere with my hobbies because I’d still have evenings and the weekend to do stuff. Turns out that during the week you are generally too exhausted, and in the weekend you always have to figure out where to leave your child if you won’t want to saddle your partner with them. You could bring your kids, but people without children (rightly so) q…

"and in the weekend you always have to figure out where to leave your child if you won’t want to saddle your partner with them."

That's one harsh sentence right there.

Re: Having Kids

#765

Post by tim333 »

pkorzeniewski wrote: post #237

One thing that started to bother me recently is the meaningless of life in general. Think about humans from a wide perspective - it all boils down to survival of the species and what difference does it make if we reproduce in a cave or a modern house? Sure there are more of us now, but does it really matter? We are driven by a simple algorithm - find a partner, reproduce, keep the babies alive and die. Repeat. No rea…

Maybe doesn't mean anything but it's kind of cool anyway.

Re: Having Kids

#766

Post by p0d »

My wife and I's families did the best for us growing up but a lack of money, alcoholism and our parents having a rough time growing up meant growing up for us maybe wasn't what it could have been.

My wife and I now have the most wonderful family and my two kids are young adults. My family is the best thing in my life. I still don't find it easy to express myself as some others do verbally, or be huggy, but I would do anything for my kids and I know the reverse is true.

I went through a phase about 10 years ago when I started to worry about death. Fear would come over me like a cloud and I started to worry that the cloud would stay. It took a while before I told my wife and I will never forget her response. She said, "you should be glad you are starting to feel normal things for the first time in your life".

This was so true. I had never been loved so unconditionally before by my wife and these two little kids. Their love fixed something in me which was broken. Ironically I can now say I have no fear of departing this world. The peace that Paul talked about is very real to me. There is a completeness in being part of a loving family which makes you grateful for what has past rather than worrying about the future.

When my son was a toddler we would go for walks and he was happy to play with a stick. This boxing day the kids and I will go to see the new Star Wars movie. A different type of stick but the joy continues.

Re: Having Kids

#767

Post by Cougher »

usefulcat wrote: post #296
triangleman wrote: post #131

Hey guys. Anyone else have the experience of having kids, getting a burst of energy, but of course all that energy goes directly back into the kids and house, and you have absolutely no life for 3-5 years or more? Because my kids are 2 and 4 and so far it's been 4 years of no life, no freelance clients, almost no learning/hobbies, just 35-40 hours a week of working as much as I can at the office and then everything i…

Whenever I feel overwhelmed by the amount of time needed by my kids, I remind myself that soon enough they'll be teenagers and won't want to have anything to do with me. We're now halfway to that point with our oldest and I can say that with that much hindsight this advice has been spot on so far. So yes they need lots of time now, but when they don't you'll miss it too.

"I remind myself that soon enough they'll be teenagers and won't want to have anything to do with me."

Is this really what you want? Because it depends on the relationship that you establish with your children. I found it such a pleasure to have teenagers who enjoyed being with me. I've always been kind of shocked by the desire of parents to be rid of their kids.

Re: Having Kids

#768

Post by bhaak »

daxfohl wrote: post #258

So my experience was the opposite. I came in expecting this great "chemical change" where suddenly the world revolved around my kids and their future. Well the latter part is true: my world now revolves around them and their futures. But chemical change? No. It's just the responsibility I have now. There's never a break. It's all-encompassing. I mean, it's survivable, I can deal with it, and I do the best I can, but,…

I read about a study that parents and non-parents are on average equally happy but the parents had a wider range of extreme emotional experiences.

Also remember that people on average become less happy until their 40s or 50s after that their happiness increases again.

Then again, that's statistics and how does that help you if you're an outlier or just at the edge of the normal distribution?

Re: Having Kids

#769

Post by xvector »

ajkjk wrote: post #596
xvector wrote: post #593

Do we have the right to have kids? It goes against every principle of "informed consent" - bringing a life into the universe is a grand and momentous thing, far more life-changing than any other action that would normally require consent. Anyone who is born will die - eventually they will suffer, and they will lose everything. And they may not even live a joyful life in the interval beforehand. We require consent for…

Mostly this just indicates that your model of what 'rights' are is flawed, since it doesn't give the right answer for obviously true statements.

Elaborate on how having kids is moral is “obviously true.”

Re: Having Kids

#770

Post by xvector »

patentatt wrote: post #601
xvector wrote: post #593

Do we have the right to have kids? It goes against every principle of "informed consent" - bringing a life into the universe is a grand and momentous thing, far more life-changing than any other action that would normally require consent. Anyone who is born will die - eventually they will suffer, and they will lose everything. And they may not even live a joyful life in the interval beforehand. We require consent for…

You’re right, you shouldn’t have kids. I agree.

Have you considered adding to the discussion instead of personal attacks?
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