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Basic Social Skills Guide (2012)

improveyoursocialskills.com

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Re: Basic Social Skills Guide (2012)

#261

Post by leggomylibro »

WhompingWindows wrote: post #248
leggomylibro wrote: post #232

Earlier quoted context omitted.

One problem is that you aren't allowed to make mistakes in social situations anymore without facing extreme consequences, and you're right that it isn't the sort of thing you can learn by reading about it. There's really no chance for young'uns to learn in this day and age. It's tough, and the worst part is that there's no way out or hope for things to improve. And you can't complain or seek help, or you get treated…

What do you mean by "extreme consequences" for mistakes in social situations?

For awhile now, everyone has been one viral moment away from mob justice. You might lose your career, or you might get harassed day and night, or worse just for slighting the wrong person.

But you also can't opt out of online socializing if you want to meet and keep in touch with people.

Re: Basic Social Skills Guide (2012)

#262

Post by RussianCow »

dustingetz wrote: post #192
rollerboi wrote: post #90

Earlier quoted context omitted.

I've been working on this since I noticed it in myself a few years back. It's really difficult because I'm the "problem-solver," but I'm also the person that people want to vent to. So I've come to realize - After a friend/coworker shares something that they're sad/angry about, my standard MO is: 1) Say something like "Wow, that must really feel terrible. I'm sorry to hear that!" (I always feel the need to add more t…

I think you can skip #2, if you're trying to help then this is about them, it's not about you, so probably the word "I" can be removed from your vocabulary for the rest of the conversation. Algorithm for nerds is: ask questions, repeat back what you heard. Also works in sales!

It depends on the context. If you have had a very similar experience, it can help to share that they are not alone in their feelings. But reaching for straws to try to draw a similarity where none exists isn't helpful.

Re: Basic Social Skills Guide (2012)

#263

Post by papreclip »

These are nice tips, but execution is more difficult than simply knowing them for someone with social anxiety.

Suppose you read a guide that said "...during the next phase of the conversation, you should start spinning a yo-yo around your head at the end of its string. Spin it faster and faster, and gradually move closer to the other person until the yo-yo is almost smacking their face. Don't worry, they won't get angry..."

Now suppose this were actually true. It would still be really difficult to overcome your gut discomfort and engage in such behavior. Someone with a social disorder feels the same discomfort making eye conduct, taking their hand away from their face, etc. as a normal person would dipping their finger into a stranger's coffee or spitting on the floor

Re: Basic Social Skills Guide (2012)

#264

Post by ljm »

pjanoman wrote: post #142
rollerboi wrote: post #90

Earlier quoted context omitted.

I've been working on this since I noticed it in myself a few years back. It's really difficult because I'm the "problem-solver," but I'm also the person that people want to vent to. So I've come to realize - After a friend/coworker shares something that they're sad/angry about, my standard MO is: 1) Say something like "Wow, that must really feel terrible. I'm sorry to hear that!" (I always feel the need to add more t…

If a friend/coworker shares something that they're sad/angry about, sometimes they're not asking for advice. Sometimes they just want someone to relate to them and their struggles. #3 can sometimes be a detractor because, once again, you need to wait for them to ask for advice and not just come in with your own advice/assuming that they are even asking for help. Venting emotions != Asking for help

Yes and no. When you ask “so what do you want to do about it?”, you get no as an answer. “I was just venting man” is a legit response, so it’s all fair enough. You can take it from there. Let them vent, you can only vent so much.

Re: Basic Social Skills Guide (2012)

#265

Post by procombo »

thisisnico wrote: post #190
wisty wrote: post #118

Earlier quoted context omitted.

In Chinese culture, there's a big thing about your true friends being the ones who will tell you when you're wrong. A coworker, on the other hand, is not your responsibility, it's their life they're screwing up. Of course, that doesn't mean people like it. Personally, I will eventually give advice to people if they're venting. I'll make it polite, of course. If they don't want to fix their shit, then I'm not obliged…

The best advice I've ever been given is when I didn't ask. Honestly trying to please people doesn't always help them out. Being the bad guy can help them more than sulking with them. A good friend will care more about you than what you think of them.

This exactly. I spent most of my professional career actively SEEKING feedback at every turn. So it's kind of a relief when someone offers "free" advice, even when it's personal.

While it's rarely very useful, and sometimes annoying, it's not something people expect me to be offended about. If it's really not that useful the conversation changes quickly. It's usually just a window into another's frame of mind. I welcome it.

Re: Basic Social Skills Guide (2012)

#266

Post by thfuran »

cwkoss wrote: post #168

I read some "pick up artist" literature in college: about two thirds of it is misogynistic garbage, but the remainder has some good tips on general platonic social interaction (and a major issue with insecure men is learning to interact with women in a casual platonic way without acting odd and creepy because they are hoping for more). - If you aren't good at speaking in a captivating way, literally write out your be…

>Everyone likes talking about themselves

I do not.

Re: Basic Social Skills Guide (2012)

#267

Post by epanchin »

thfuran wrote: post #266
cwkoss wrote: post #168

I read some "pick up artist" literature in college: about two thirds of it is misogynistic garbage, but the remainder has some good tips on general platonic social interaction (and a major issue with insecure men is learning to interact with women in a casual platonic way without acting odd and creepy because they are hoping for more). - If you aren't good at speaking in a captivating way, literally write out your be…

>Everyone likes talking about themselves I do not.

Ironic

Re: Basic Social Skills Guide (2012)

#268

Post by natrik »

TeMPOraL wrote: post #229
gherkinnn wrote: post #125

Earlier quoted context omitted.

Yes. That’s why I find dev.to and to be a rather uninteresting place. It’s 90% niceties and explaining .map over and over again. Similar things can be observed in many meetups and some companies. Everything is awesome. Everybody is nice. People shy away from deciding anything . Even the simple act of two people wanting to go through the same door at the same time is an impossible conundrum. No matter how important ps…

> Even the simple act of two people wanting to go through the same door at the same time is an impossible conundrum. Tangential, but I hit this issue very often with couple of friends during university years; two of us wanted to go through a door, and get stuck in a "you go", "no, you go", "I insist" loop. At some point I said, "you know what, let's do rock-paper-scissors, if you lose you go first". It immediately ca…

Disregarding the amusement from the game you might get, why waste time when attempting to go through a door. The rest of the class might be annoyed at waiting while you decide who goes through the door first...

Re: Basic Social Skills Guide (2012)

#269

Post by m463 »

wallflower wrote: post #53

While some of you may make light of the fact that I am giving you advice, my single most important piece of advice to people who are highly analytical and/or always solving problems is to not give unsolicited advice to friends, family, acquaintances, or even strangers. People will ask for advice if they really want it. People are not “broken pieces of code” begging to be fixed. I’ve lost friends over this, until one…

This goes double in some situations.

When somebody has lost a loved one, never say "I know just how you feel, blah blah".

In fact, this is when you MUST say you can't imagine how they feel. Then listen.

Re: Basic Social Skills Guide (2012)

#270

Post by procombo »

AnimalMuppet wrote: post #195
wallflower wrote: post #53

While some of you may make light of the fact that I am giving you advice, my single most important piece of advice to people who are highly analytical and/or always solving problems is to not give unsolicited advice to friends, family, acquaintances, or even strangers. People will ask for advice if they really want it. People are not “broken pieces of code” begging to be fixed. I’ve lost friends over this, until one…

With my wife, when she was upset about something, I'd tell her how to fix it. That... didn't go well. Eventually, I learned to just let her talk, and for me to say "Uh huh", for about five minutes. Then I could tell her how to fix the problem. But I had to listen for five minutes first. Note well: Five minutes worked for me talking to my wife . For person X talking to person Y, the correct time may range from 0 to in…

Made me chuckle. Your "just let them talk for 5 minutes", is another person's "wait until they're receptive to feedback." :)

I've never met a frustrated or angry person who is receptive to actual feedback. I'm the same way. Validate my emotional concern first, then move on to the next step.

Most of the time all I need to do is vocalize my problem... and that works best when I "have the floor."

If you don't mind me suggesting, that is really what was happening.

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