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The Awkward but Essential Art of Office Chitchat

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Re: The Awkward but Essential Art of Office Chitchat

#131

Post by cstpdk »

blobs wrote: post #35
cstpdk wrote: post #16

Earlier quoted context omitted.

`For one I'm not really that interested in other people, and secondly I find it really boring` I am totally with you on both points. The important thing to realize is that it is uninteresting and boring, but that is not the point. It is a skill like many others, if you want the benefits it brings, you have to learn it through practice and however else you normally learn skills

Hmm, this sounds a bit naive. I'm struggling with this for my entire life, and only a certain amount of alcohol helps me to do chit chat. But after the chit chat I always regret some things I've said, the whole thing is just rubbish. I simply don't like it to be forced to talk shit. I'm quite certain it's not a learned skill, it is pretty default for the most stupid people around us.

Concluding that something is not a learned skill because it comes easy to some is illogical. Human upbringing consist of a lot of social interaction (at least when done right), it is only fair that some people actually get good at it.

Anyway, I should probably have disclaimed my first comment more loudly: it's anecdotal. For me smalltalk is absolutely a learned skill. I used to suck at it, now I can get by, and it took a lot of conscious effort on my part. YMMV

Re: The Awkward but Essential Art of Office Chitchat

#132

Post by fibbery »

coldtea wrote: post #113
feintruled wrote: post #57

It can be quite a minefield. I worked with a guy whose chit-chat policy was disconcerting - stating the bleedin' obvious. "You are in early today!" "You are in late today!" "You are on time today!" "Wearing the red shirt again, I see!" "Got your hair cut!" While this 'say what you see' served as a functional ice-breaker, as an introvert I found it strangely confrontational, almost like an interrogation. I felt like I…

> While this 'say what you see' served as a functional ice-breaker, as an introvert I found it strangely confrontational, almost like an interrogation On the other hand, why see "introvert" or "extrovert" as something that you essentially are, and not an accidental attribute, one can, and perhaps should, work on? In that case, his 'say what you see' routine would be a good testing ground to stop caring as much for th…

Are extroverts supposed to work on it too?

Re: The Awkward but Essential Art of Office Chitchat

#133

Post by ljm »

air7 wrote: post #122

Thinking about the reasons why people engage in smalltalk (in other areas of life too such as family and friends, dating, service providers, etc) helps (me) cope with its banality and even enjoy it; The irrationality is quite rational. A conversation, especially a face-to-face one, contains something beyond content: Something like a meeting of souls. The (hopefully positive) feeling of the presence of another human b…

I think so. I love deep and meaningful connection and getting lost in that conversation but if you leave out all of the small talk that naturally happens in between, it’s easy to find yourself in a very lonely place. For a time I used to dislike it because it seemed pointless.

Not everybody is comfortable with silence and, given a chance, you might find that some small talk kicks off the deeper conversation you so desire. After that I realised it wasn’t so much the deep meaning that I wanted so much, it was being able to connect, listen and empathise. And to enjoy some of that from someone else.

In the end, the small talk is quite valuable even if it seems utterly banal on the surface. Sometimes I just laugh about it, use it as an icebreaker.

Re: The Awkward but Essential Art of Office Chitchat

#134

Post by ljm »

air7 wrote: post #122

Thinking about the reasons why people engage in smalltalk (in other areas of life too such as family and friends, dating, service providers, etc) helps (me) cope with its banality and even enjoy it; The irrationality is quite rational. A conversation, especially a face-to-face one, contains something beyond content: Something like a meeting of souls. The (hopefully positive) feeling of the presence of another human b…

I think so. I love deep and meaningful connection and getting lost in that conversation but if you leave out all of the small talk that naturally happens in between, it’s easy to find yourself in a very lonely place. For a time I used to dislike it because it seemed pointless.

Not everybody is comfortable with silence and, given a chance, you might find that some small talk kicks off the deeper conversation you so desire. After that I realised it wasn’t so much the deep meaning that I wanted so much, it was being able to connect, listen and empathise. And to enjoy some of that from someone else.

In the end, the small talk is quite valuable even if it seems utterly banal on the surface. Sometimes I just laugh about it, use it as an icebreaker. Life isn’t so serious all the time, after all.

Re: The Awkward but Essential Art of Office Chitchat

#135

Post by JTbane »

liveoneggs wrote: post #47
not_a_moth wrote: post #11

I think the essential office chitchat issue is "being yourself" vs. "seeming like a high quality professional". I've found out the hard way that relaxing and aiming for a real conversation carries a high % chance of saying something unbecoming of a team leader. Better pay attention to appearances when you're at work. I don't understand coworkers who say silly things at the lunch table without a second thought, or tho…

weird- my observation is that people who "get ahead" (into middle management) tend to be unconcerned with what they say at the lunch table (unless someone two+ levels in attending). In fact they are often highly inappropriate because it will lead others to say bad stuff, meaning gossip they can share with their chosen handler, who can then use that gossip against others to promote themselves and bring their lackey al…

>In fact they are often highly inappropriate because it will lead others to say bad stuff, meaning gossip they can share with their chosen handler

Seems like the standard "kiss up, kick down" mentality that is often present in corporate environments

Re: The Awkward but Essential Art of Office Chitchat

#136

Post by TurkishPoptart »

breakbread wrote: post #82
feintruled wrote: post #57

It can be quite a minefield. I worked with a guy whose chit-chat policy was disconcerting - stating the bleedin' obvious. "You are in early today!" "You are in late today!" "You are on time today!" "Wearing the red shirt again, I see!" "Got your hair cut!" While this 'say what you see' served as a functional ice-breaker, as an introvert I found it strangely confrontational, almost like an interrogation. I felt like I…

For whatever reason, I can stand when people comment on what I've brought for lunch. "Hey, that looks pretty good!""Smells good! What'cha got there?""Bring me some next time!"

For one reason or another, I've developed a sort of office-eating-phobia. There was a period where, in order to feel OK and not pass out at my desk, I packed a tupperware container with Greek yogurt and almond butter. I think it tastes amazing, kind of like cheesecake, and with the high-fat/high-protein content, keeps me satisfied for 4 hours, so I don't have to think about lunch til 2-3pm, and even then I could just go for another snack. But I couldn't STAND what people would say to me or what they'd ask about my food. I felt very uncomfortable having to "explain" what I'm eating, it's something I need to work on.

I avoided the office kitchen at all costs to prevent this sort of small-talk. My routine would be retrieving my food from the fridge as fast as humanly possible, eating at my desk, and then spending my actual lunch break reading a book someplace. Ask me anything, just leave my food alone.

The worst was when I'd reheat some meat-and-veggie entree I made the night before, and people would say "wow, smells good!" What the hell am I supposed to say to this? "Yup..." I think I have office-trauma-induced-asperger's now....

Re: The Awkward but Essential Art of Office Chitchat

#137

Post by hrktb »

Baeocystin wrote: post #9
lnsru wrote: post #8

Earlier quoted context omitted.

Where I work, chitchat during lunch break is main communication bus. Since I am preparing my food at home, I don’t go to the canteen and I am the black sheep in the office. I am the last one to get the news. It’s seriously wrong, because there are no written agreements at all.

...so go to the canteen anyway and talk while you eat together? I can think of plenty of times where a shared lunch with some co-workers was a mix of people bringing food and buying from the cafe. Having agreements in writing is important for reference. Being present for their creation (and therefore having a say as it takes shape) is worth it.

You are perfectly right, in that this is a real thing.

Lunches are not just food intake, and being there or not will have an effect on your work life.

I personally feel it’s something that should be more explicited. It goes well along shared bathroom breaks, cigarette breaks, after hours drinking, golf on week-ends.

We all draw the line somewhere different on wether we are willing to do it or not, but it should at least be made clearer this is part of work and not some fun ride. We make it clear with our family or partners, it should be clear on the company side as well.

Note: eating with friends that happen to work at the same place is yet another matter, that’s not what I am pointing at

Re: The Awkward but Essential Art of Office Chitchat

#138

Post by lonelappde »

Loq wrote: post #60
abledon wrote: post #53

Earlier quoted context omitted.

one reason I don't like working remote is that when I'm in the office, part of the time there... I'm being paid to do improv, to freakin' use my grade 8 drama skills!

one reason I do like working remote is that I don't have to deal with others' grade 8 drama skills!

But then you have to deal with their 8th grade writing skills.

Re: The Awkward but Essential Art of Office Chitchat

#139

Post by lonelappde »

feintruled wrote: post #57

It can be quite a minefield. I worked with a guy whose chit-chat policy was disconcerting - stating the bleedin' obvious. "You are in early today!" "You are in late today!" "You are on time today!" "Wearing the red shirt again, I see!" "Got your hair cut!" While this 'say what you see' served as a functional ice-breaker, as an introvert I found it strangely confrontational, almost like an interrogation. I felt like I…

It's a minefield in your mind only. A mindfield.

Every example you gave can be deftly handled with:

"Yes I did. Good morning! I'm going to grab a morning $beverage now."

Optionally mention what you are going to work on after you get the beverage.

Re: The Awkward but Essential Art of Office Chitchat

#140

Post by lonelappde »

rootusrootus wrote: post #116
feintruled wrote: post #61

Earlier quoted context omitted.

Yes, but then you are somewhat assuming the mantle of the resident stand-up comedian, might be hard to live up to! (Funny enough, I did brainstorm solutions as thought experiments. The one I saw working was to mercilessly point out what he was doing, every time he did it. "A-ha! Captain Obvious speaks!" "Got any obvious observations for me today?". But that would have been staggeringly cruel, after all the poor guy w…

Given the level of sarcasm that goes on in my own household, I don't know if I'd be able to resist saying "Aye, Captain!" if someone habitually greeted me with obvious observations all the time. I'm used to saying that pretty regularly to my seven- and nine-year-old kids.

That's not sarcasm, it's sillines. Sarcasm is when you make false statements to annoy people.
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