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Ask HN: Are you ok?

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Re: Ask HN: Are you ok?

#751

Post by mdorazio »

TheOtherHobbes wrote: post #741
mdorazio wrote: post #675

Earlier quoted context omitted.

In my experience this is pretty bad advice for a lot of people. Starting a business is 1) almost always more time consuming and stress-inducing than working a normal job, 2) tends to end up being 20% the stuff you enjoy doing and 80% the stuff you don't, and 3) has an incredibly high chance of being really bad for you financially. A potentially better solution several of my friends have pursued to good effect is to g…

It isn't necessarily more stressful and time-consuming. The point isn't to "start a business", it's to carefully engineer a viable business - which means doing solid research on customer numbers and income/profit estimates, creating a system for acquiring customers, and so on. Basically an adult plan. Not am impulse or hobby business. And that includes setting work limits for yourself, so you don't become the cliched…

In theory, that's true but I think you're making it sound a lot easier than it actually is. I don't know a single owner of a profitable business with employees that works less than a $250k/yr FAANG engineer. I sure as hell didn't any of the times I've run businesses. In general, you end up trading one set of issues for another - typical employee frustrations for typical business owner frustrations (closing new clients, dealing with employees, fighting competitors, keeping clients happy, managing all the overhead operations that come with business ownership, etc.)

It's possible to run a low-stress lifestyle business, but I would say it's not the norm and tends to be fragile unless we're talking something like lone wolf 1099 contractor self-employed without significant family obligations.

Re: Ask HN: Are you ok?

#752

Post by Bootwizard »

bradlys wrote: post #735

I'll add to the list here. No. I see a therapist but it doesn't help. Ultimately I'm burnt out. The startup I'm working at doesn't have good numbers anymore (not like any startup I've been at ever has). I can't get a job at FAANG (I've done their onsites about a dozen times). I live in the most expensive region in the USA. I only receive a salary from a startup and stock is obviously worthless. My SO is committed to…

Get out of that toxic relationship if it's not what you want (which it sounds like it isn't).

Replace that relationship with a social life that you enjoy, friends that care about you, and be around people that actually make you happy.

Re: Ask HN: Are you ok?

#753

Post by Sytten »

lazyjones wrote: post #737
dyadic wrote: post #49

Not really. My country is being ripped apart, everyone seems so hateful against the other, the government talks about record employment level and pay while people are using foodbanks and sleeping in the streets. My own life is great by the standards that people usually use to measure success. But it feels so empty. I'd rather check out and go and live in a cave on a hill, but all the land and caves have been parcelle…

> I continue to live, step over people on my way to work, where I sit and help contribute to climate change, feel the guilt of all of it and wanting to change it but without knowing how. Sorry for being harsh, but please grow up and stop letting other people manipulate you by making you feel guilty about climate, your relative wealth and other things. Focus on making your own life better, leave the current climate ch…

I don't agree with your individualistic vision. This is the exact kind of mindset that brought us to where we are right now. I can tell you politics won't fix climate change, especially if people start to not care at all...

Re: Ask HN: Are you ok?

#754

Post by meat_time »

cwarrior wrote: post #734

I have been dealing with a bad relationship (totally my fault) due to attachment issues (anxious-avoidant) and rOCD as a result of it. Really annoying stuff, pretty much have ended my relationship cause of it.

OCD gang rise up. OCD sucks man, it's so debilitating. I currently have retroactive jealousy and I feel it slowly destroying my relationship, already affecting my mood and productivity every single day for over a year now. 9 sessions of psychologist so far. I swear my partner and I are just incompatibility, which sucks because before I knew certain information which triggered me, I was the happiest I was ever been. I can't talk to my partner about it because she feels personally attacked. I can't talk to my friends about it because they don't understand, and it's simply "get over it" - I would if I could.

It was too good to be true. Good luck with you rOCD sir, I hope you find peace.

Re: Ask HN: Are you ok?

#755

Post by sproutz11 »

protectid wrote: post #632

I am in software development but my troubles are at home. This is why I am using a throwaway. I am bad with relationships. There two sides to every story but this is my side. I have a quiet agreeable demeanor. Its a cultural thing and a personality thing. Unless something is going to affect my life I tend to agree. I seem to attract the opposite types of partner. My partners tend to do all the talking which is fine w…

I'm in the middle of an amicable divorce after about 3 years of marriage due to similar reasons. I now realize that I've always been bad at setting boundaries and I acquiesce until a given situation is no longer tolerable for me.

My partners have always been type A while I'm more of a type B personality and somewhat quiet and introverted, but not overly so. Like you, i don't mind listening to other people do most of the talking, take the lead on activities, etc. I generally go with the flow. But in my marriage, I ended up giving up way too much space and when I tried to claw some space back it was too late - no matter how simple my requests were and how kindly I asked for them. For my partner, it was like I was upending the relationship.

Anyways, this was somewhat my fault but at the end of the day it was a toxic relationship and I was on the receiving end of a controlling relationship. Within just a few days of splitting up I felt like a weight had been lifted off of my shoulders. I was worn out from living how someone else wanted me to live rather than how I wanted us to live. Not to say it was a horrible relationship or nothing positive came from it, but being relatively young and childless I quickly realized this was for the best.

I went to therapy for a bit and it was helpful just to confirm that my feelings before and after splitting were normal. The main lesson for next time was to be better at setting boundaries from the outset. It can be hard to see these things when your in such a relationship. I saw my mom fail to set boundaries with my volatile father as an attempt to keep him from exploding, but I didn't realize until after the fact that I was doing something similar in my relationship.

I get the sense that your relationship is a bit like mine was. Not so horrible or traumatic that there's a smoking gun that would cause you to leave, but not what you had hoped for or thought you were getting into, and certainly not a relationship that has your best interests at heart.

*I created an account just to reply. Will check out the book recommended below.

Re: Ask HN: Are you ok?

#756

Post by o-__-o »

anon9001 wrote: post #685
l_t wrote: post #587

Earlier quoted context omitted.

Have you considered remote work? Sounds like it would be right up your alley. (Good) remote companies work based on results, not "butts in seats," so you're free to work in whatever way works best for you. Of course, you still have to be productive.

I do remote now, but I don't think much of anything is based on "results". We still have mandatory morning meetings, many meetings through the week, lots of questions to be answered, bugs to be fixed, new features to be written, etc. Maybe I should stop working for startups? If I had a clear goal of "get this done for the week" and that was it, why wouldn't I just do it as quickly as possible and then not do anything…

I agree. When you’re remote you want to show you are available to others. However you are allowed to take a day and do things you need to do, just keep your average hour session up and sleep well

Re: Ask HN: Are you ok?

#757

Post by bitcoinmoney »

DoreenMichele wrote: post #717

Not really. I'm broke, as usual. I'm no longer homeless and no longer literally dying (health issue), but I can't say I'm exactly a happy camper. I have $155 bill due in 3 days that I can't cover. My paycheck this week will be less than that. And then there's living expenses, like groceries. The cupboards are bare, again. I do resume work, but I'm not good at promoting that. (And I blog, but my Patreon is underfunded…

Can’t you make a payment plan on the 155$? Good luck and I wish you will overcome any hardship!

Re: Ask HN: Are you ok?

#758

Post by DoreenMichele »

bitcoinmoney wrote: post #757
DoreenMichele wrote: post #717

Not really. I'm broke, as usual. I'm no longer homeless and no longer literally dying (health issue), but I can't say I'm exactly a happy camper. I have $155 bill due in 3 days that I can't cover. My paycheck this week will be less than that. And then there's living expenses, like groceries. The cupboards are bare, again. I do resume work, but I'm not good at promoting that. (And I blog, but my Patreon is underfunded…

Can’t you make a payment plan on the 155$? Good luck and I wish you will overcome any hardship!

No, not in this case. It's my perpetually maxxed out credit card.

I also have a dead fridge I'd love to replace and numerous other things that I've put off because I simply couldn't afford them.

I've been poor long enough that I have actual poor people problems. It's a completely different problem space from what most folks on HN are dealing with, or what I dealt with for most of my life. I wasn't always poor. Combination of serious health crisis plus divorce were The Perfect Storm.

Re: Ask HN: Are you ok?

#759

Post by kitsunesoba »

goobynight wrote: post #325
natalyarostova wrote: post #277

Earlier quoted context omitted.

>I hate the mild feeling of discomfort I get when I tell most people I'm a software engineer. Why do you feel discomfort? The only reason I do is because of a sense of guilt, because it implies I make far more money than the person I'm usually telling who is making small talk with me.

I'd wager that's the reason. People can't relate to it. Not even close. I'm not scraping by in my early twenties with a futon trying to bust into a career with a full year's salary in student loan debt. I immediately started making what many people make at the tail end of what they'd call a good career. All while coming in just about whenever I feel like it. My life is a joke in comparison and it's just a coincidence…

Yes, this is exactly it. It’s hard not to feel weird when every day I’m surrounded by hardworking individuals who aren’t making nearly as much as I do. It just doesn’t feel right. Is the difference in produced value actually that great? I mean I sure as heck wouldn’t be able to do what I do without without the collective support of all of these people.

Re: Ask HN: Are you ok?

#760

Post by prawn »

anon9001 wrote: post #616
aristophenes wrote: post #590

Earlier quoted context omitted.

Please understand that I am saying this in a compassionate, not a judgmental way. I think the key developmental step is to be able to get over yourself. I think this is a fundamental part in becoming a mature person. Many of us are forced through this step against our will and maybe without realizing it. Either through our job, or significant other, or kids, or some other experience that just overwhelms you. Apparent…

Thank you. You shouldn't be downvoted for saying this. I feel like you're saying what everyone else around me is thinking, but nobody has ever actually said. I don't even know why you'd have to preface it by saying you mean to be compassionate. If your belief is the common one, why isn't that something people talk about? Is it that taboo? Shouldn't this death of self be celebrated if it's how were made to be? Also, I…

I don't think the answer is subservience to an employer or sticking with the rat-race or religion, but it might be that an OP up-chain implied that once you have children, being at their service is a very pure, simplifying experience. If you're battling reality now, children won't be a solution because they also up the difficulty level a huge amount, but reading them a book is priceless, seeing them smile is priceless, going for a walk together is priceless. They make simple things brilliant.

It gives you an easier purpose than "maybe I'll work on anti-censorship stuff". Do you have niblings you can spend time with? Being an uncle/aunt or an equivalent to friends' children can be great too. Once upon a time, I considered myself definitely not the baby type, but now I have three kids and enjoy hanging out with my nephew, etc.

What about the outdoors?

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