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Ask HN: Are you ok?

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Re: Ask HN: Are you ok?

#521

Post by dang »

throwa20190912 wrote: post #230

Is posting through Tor not allowed? Only I am able to see my comment.

Your comment was killed by a software filter that is based on past abuses by spammers and trolls. But moderators review the comments that were killed that way, and unkill the good ones (like yours, https://news.ycombinator.com/item?id=20952659). So this filter is mostly just a delay mechanism.

Users also often restore the comments to visibility before moderators get to them, by vouching for them. (To vouch for a dead comment, click on its timestamp, then click 'vouch' at the top of its page. There's a small karma threshold (> 30) before vouch links appear.)

Re: Ask HN: Are you ok?

#522

Post by slothtrop »

Jenz wrote: post #392
teppifk wrote: post #235

Earlier quoted context omitted.

> I hate the mild feeling of discomfort I get when I tell most people I'm a software engineer. Most software engineers have a healthy circle of friends and social life. > I hate having eclectic or traditional "nerdy" interests and getting a similar reaction. It's not any different when an electrician, lawyer or a doctor wants to talk shop. Most people you will interact with don't have the same interests as you. > I h…

> it could be poor social skills. Is this an area where you can improve? My social skills are abyssmally non-existant... I am in a suprisingly similar situation to satokemas, all but the fact that I do not ever doubt "why bother" (I love the world) and I go to high school— I don’t work, that is. I’ve been alone for two years in school now, although I just recently got one friend that is very understanding, though I g…

> Is this an area where you can improve?

Yes. As with everything else it just gets easier the more you do it. We feel at our most socially awkward in high school I think, in part because we're unfairly hard on ourselves. People are way more forgiving of social awkwardness than we think, stumbling is not the end of the world. For instance, how would you react if someone was socially awkward around you? Exactly.

Relax, have fun, sleep well. You don't have to be a talkative extrovert to be liked; I'm an introvert and never chat anyone's ear off except with things I can geek out over (music, games). You grow confidence as you engage more, but to get to that point you have to break out of your shell somewhat.

A medium always helped to relate to others in my case, be it sports, music or gaming.

Re: Ask HN: Are you ok?

#523

Post by boopk »

Im doing alright. Feel like I've plateaued in my current position. Work isn't meaningful nor am I learning as much if at all from when I first started. I work closely with one other person who has a few more years experience. Boss is constantly telling me to learn and absorb as much as I can from this person. It's a bit insulting since I've been teaching this person more the past few months than I've learned from them. Not only that I do believe the reason I know more is because I am open to learning new things whereas this person learned something one way and believes that is the only way to do something. I've been applying to new jobs but no bites. So it's a bit frustrating really contemplating putting in my notice and take my chances finding something else with no distractions. My bosses current vision for my role and my expectations of where I see myself being in a year or two don't align.

Re: Ask HN: Are you ok?

#524

Post by iamatworknow »

AnIdiotOnTheNet wrote: post #407
suyash wrote: post #390

Earlier quoted context omitted.

Everyone has their comfort zone or in this context empathy zone, some people are very empathetic, some don't know how to show empathy or care towards others and that is just a personality thing, we shouldn't hold that against people. Think of it the other way, most people reading here and replying at least care enough to show concern and empathy, some maybe more empathetic than others. To counter your point about Sui…

My point is that they don't really give a shit. I'm not saying that's a bad thing per-se, there's only so much a human being can genuinely care about and devote effort to after all, but such actions are shallow to the point of being somewhat insulting.

I feel the same way. Another example is when someone famous dies and various internet forums get flooded with "RIP" comments that mean absolutely nothing to anyone other than the poster saying "Look at me, I'm also part of this!"

Re: Ask HN: Are you ok?

#525

Post by condercet »

Jenz wrote: post #392
teppifk wrote: post #235

Earlier quoted context omitted.

> I hate the mild feeling of discomfort I get when I tell most people I'm a software engineer. Most software engineers have a healthy circle of friends and social life. > I hate having eclectic or traditional "nerdy" interests and getting a similar reaction. It's not any different when an electrician, lawyer or a doctor wants to talk shop. Most people you will interact with don't have the same interests as you. > I h…

> it could be poor social skills. Is this an area where you can improve? My social skills are abyssmally non-existant... I am in a suprisingly similar situation to satokemas, all but the fact that I do not ever doubt "why bother" (I love the world) and I go to high school— I don’t work, that is. I’ve been alone for two years in school now, although I just recently got one friend that is very understanding, though I g…

Social skills are skills that can be improved upon like any other. A good place to start would be seeing if there are improv classes near you.

Re: Ask HN: Are you ok?

#526

Post by sixothree »

Qworg wrote: post #248
sixothree wrote: post #239

Earlier quoted context omitted.

I hate that I love my work and the software I create more than anything else in my life.

Why do you hate it? I've found that we all fall along a continuum of "work is life" and "work is what I do to live" - if you're at an edge of that, it isn't inherently bad.

Thank you. It feels like it comes at the expense of other things.

Re: Ask HN: Are you ok?

#527

Post by redisman »

Phlarp wrote: post #199
satokema wrote: post #162

Nth-ing no social life and the related whines. I hate the mild feeling of discomfort I get when I tell most people I'm a software engineer. I hate having eclectic or traditional "nerdy" interests and getting a similar reaction. I've been enjoying Classic, and I have a small online circle for the niche games/music/art I like. I hate that I like these things in spite of the detriment to my social benefit to liking them…

You should not feel social pressure over having traditionally "nerdy" interests. 10's of millions of people have played WoW over it's 15 year run and I suspect a large number of software engineers that were exposed to the original game as teenagers are enjoying playing classic now. You shouldn't feel like you need to beat yourself up for not having some version of "normative" interests or not aligning with what you s…

Isn't "nerdy" interests just mainstream entertainment these days? Last I checked all the blockbusters are based on comic books and video games are the most popular form of entertainment.

Re: Ask HN: Are you ok?

#528

Post by reroute1 »

driverdan wrote: post #337
rubicon33 wrote: post #144

Earlier quoted context omitted.

I get that this comes from a good place, but unless you have a lot of trust with your team then you might get a lot who will lie. If I didn't trust my lead to not potentially think less of me (consciously or not), or even worse, to use my answer against me somehow (toxic environment) ... then I definitely would answer "2 or 3" even if I was a 5.

If your team doesn't have enough trust to answer this question there are bigger problems in your company. That said, I've managed people who have mental health problems that results in high anxiety from answering these types of questions. As a manager / lead you have to know your employees and work with each of them as an individual.

Is it a mental health problem or just human nature?

Re: Ask HN: Are you ok?

#529

Post by rileyteige »

anon9001 wrote: post #438
rileyteige wrote: post #374

Earlier quoted context omitted.

I can relate here, not sure if this is a reality for you but one thing that's helped me in this regard is negotiating 25hr/wk arrangements (accepting the pay cut). More flexibility, and if you're willing to burn the midnight oil once in a while you can bump your pay with a second (hopefully temporary!) gig.

How does that work in practice? What do you do? I can do just about any tech job, but every employer I've ever had is only interested in more than full time. Maybe I've been unintentionally signalling that I'm capable of doing more and that's why I keep finding myself in this situation? I'd be much happier if I had half the salary and somehow was able to work 2x12hr days instead of 5x8hr days, but I have no idea how…

Wish I had better suggestions, but for me it's been a word-of-mouth thing. Started with one person wanting to take me on but he "couldn't afford full-time pay"; he knew someone else who also needed help "here and there" so he helped me setup the initial arrangement to "make me whole", so to speak. A lot of luck and help to get it started.

In practice, it's fairly easy to keep all parties happy, though inevitably there will be stretches where one client really wants my time at the expense of my other projects. That's a fine line, but I haven't run into issues with it yet. I'm sure someday I'll over-commit myself and pay for it. Thus far the key has been responsiveness and "general availability", being open about when/how I can give them more focused attention for various projects. If I tell client A I have a big deadline coming up for client B or vice-versa, they're usually pretty understanding.

Best suggestion I could offer would be to talk to your friends/network and see if anyone "needs help here and there", to see if that opens a conversation towards an independent contractor arrangement.

Re: Ask HN: Are you ok?

#530

Post by 8ytecoder »

Waterluvian wrote: post #393

I recently experienced months of sleeping problems. Where I wouldn't sleep for days. Or would sleep a few hours. I would be exhausted and my head would hit the pillow and BAM adrenaline and I can hear my heart pounding and I'm awake. It got so bad I would go into the basement and destroy a wall that I kept repairing. I would cry in frustration. I started to have suicidal thoughts. It was harming my marriage and made…

It's the opposite for me. I recently took up gaming again and I'm finally into it as well. However, the anticipation and excitement is making it hard for me to go to bed/sleep.
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