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Ask HN: Are you ok?

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Re: Ask HN: Are you ok?

#241

Post by djsumdog »

sad-throwaway wrote: post #211

No... but I'm not sure what to do about it I spoke with a therapist, but it hasn't helped me much; he basically admitted he didn't know what to suggest. Maybe I'm weird, and need to find the right therapist, which is what people suggest when I tell them this hasn't been that useful What else can I do, HN? I feel so lonely all the time. I don't have any close friends and people only talk to me at work about work. I do…

I started taking Banjo classes recently. Years ago I got into Spoken Word poetry. My city had a wonderful, encouraging scene, and I eventually was asked to participate in a huge museum event:

https://youtu.be/G11KTXc2xXc

Say I sucked at poetry though, you gotta try something else. Take some dance classes. Do a crash course weekend of dance classes to jump right in and not have time to worry if you suck or don't get it. I've had a lot of good friends through dance.

Go onto Meetup and find something. A writing group. A boardgame group. It does take effort. Sometimes you're really down .. but try and do it anyway. Don't let work be your life.

Take a pottery class, or something random from the continuing education center in your city/community. A sign language class, or archery, or something.

You just gotta keep doing; make an effort for at least a few months. If winter comes, you can retreat to video games or reading for a while; recharge. But you gotta get out there and try. Take all your vacation at once, buy a week of provisions and go backpack in a national park. Don't be afraid to do something a little crazy.

If you work for a company that wants 70 hours a week. Fuck'em. Do your 40 hours, 45 at most, and then go take care of yourself. That's what really matters.

Re: Ask HN: Are you ok?

#242

Post by dyadic »

toyg wrote: post #200
MentallyRetired wrote: post #108

Earlier quoted context omitted.

I'd ask what third world country you live in, but it really sounds like America right now.

I’d bet good money parent was talking about the UK. But yes, a lot of countries are like that at the moment.

Yes, I'm in the UK. And yes, it does appear to be worldwide.

Re: Ask HN: Are you ok?

#243

Post by HEHENE »

Now, yes.

A few months ago I went through a nasty breakup days before I was about to propose. I suddenly found myself completely alone having pushed all my friends away over the course of the six year relationship, homeless (in the sense of not having a "home" although I did have a roof over my head), and in a job that I quickly realized I had only been sticking with to support us because it was stable. I hated it.

Now I have reconnected with old friends, made more new ones than I can count, spent a lot of time with a therapist, and my mental health is much better than it ever has been.

On Saturday I start a several thousand mile drive to a new beginning in a new state with a new job that aligns perfectly with my skill set and comes with a nice 62% pay bump.

So for today, I'm doing alright.

Re: Ask HN: Are you ok?

#244

Post by mettamage »

satokema wrote: post #162

Nth-ing no social life and the related whines. I hate the mild feeling of discomfort I get when I tell most people I'm a software engineer. I hate having eclectic or traditional "nerdy" interests and getting a similar reaction. I've been enjoying Classic, and I have a small online circle for the niche games/music/art I like. I hate that I like these things in spite of the detriment to my social benefit to liking them…

Your issues seem to mirror mine. This is one of the reasons why I don't only occupy myself with being a software engineer. I like quite a lot of things fortunately, but I'm sure that if I had this less, I'd have been a better software engineer since I'd have more grit to succeed in my projects.

Re: Ask HN: Are you ok?

#246

Post by shandor »

ropiwqefjnpoa wrote: post #191
canardlaquay wrote: post #173

Earlier quoted context omitted.

You clearly bother yourself WAY too much with what other people are thinking. Believe me, you'd be better off pursuing what you truly love instead of trying to fit into what you think is 'normality'.

Yes and no, being able to share your interests with others is deeply rewarding. It often enhances our enjoyment as opposed to doing it all alone.

Nowadays there's no lack of enthusiasts even in the smallest of niches. Just follow your passion and do what you enjoy, the others will be there. Much easier than trying to enjoy things you don't like, and building your social circles around that.

Of course even then you need to be active at least to the point of finding the others out there, but I'd still contest it to be the easier way.

Re: Ask HN: Are you ok?

#247

Post by baalimago »

Apart from the chronic daily suicidal thoughts, sure.

Ironically enough, always choosing the future-safe choice of education, jobs, friends and so forth resulted into me not really wanting to have a future at all. My new strategy of finding relationships which guilt me into staying alive seems to be working out though. Good times.

Longing for that plane crash or random heart attack I couldn't prevent. Of course I work out, don't do drugs (unless socially) and stay healthy enough to mitigate any such thing though. I can't be known to be a quitter, then they win.

Maybe it'll get better. Considering my age, chances are this is just a phase. If nothing else I'll probably be able to write a very cynical book. Not that I really care for anyone who would read it. Humanity is a cancer.

Re: Ask HN: Are you ok?

#248

Post by Qworg »

sixothree wrote: post #239
satokema wrote: post #162

Nth-ing no social life and the related whines. I hate the mild feeling of discomfort I get when I tell most people I'm a software engineer. I hate having eclectic or traditional "nerdy" interests and getting a similar reaction. I've been enjoying Classic, and I have a small online circle for the niche games/music/art I like. I hate that I like these things in spite of the detriment to my social benefit to liking them…

I hate that I love my work and the software I create more than anything else in my life.

Why do you hate it? I've found that we all fall along a continuum of "work is life" and "work is what I do to live" - if you're at an edge of that, it isn't inherently bad.

Re: Ask HN: Are you ok?

#249

Post by EulersBridge »

losthobbies wrote: post #226
sad-throwaway wrote: post #211

No... but I'm not sure what to do about it I spoke with a therapist, but it hasn't helped me much; he basically admitted he didn't know what to suggest. Maybe I'm weird, and need to find the right therapist, which is what people suggest when I tell them this hasn't been that useful What else can I do, HN? I feel so lonely all the time. I don't have any close friends and people only talk to me at work about work. I do…

Do you have any hobbies or interests outside of work? Is there something that you have always wanted to try but found it hard to start? Perhaps checking up on meetup or something like that...

That is a good suggestion. If you feel like you dont have interests/hobbies outside of work, try beginning something new, even if it's a painting class at a community center.

Re: Ask HN: Are you ok?

#250

Post by rdiddly »

theanine wrote: post #55

Thanks for asking. Not really, and it's 100% work-related. I dread coming in to work and it's given me awful anxiety that's turned into occasional passive suicidal ideation. Once I leave work, I feel like a totally different person and all the symptoms disappear. My boss calls me stupid, incompetent, r*tarded, and "like you have part of your brain missing". He grills me on literally everything I do, like why I'm gett…

You're pretty clearly in an abuse situation. Important: the abuse is the reason you haven't found another job. Because 1) you can't put your best foot forward when you're under attack constantly, and 2) I'd wager you don't come off as really wanting the jobs you're applying for because as you said, you think they'll be like this one. None of this is a coincidence by the way; an abuser needs an otherwise rational and free-thinking adult to decide to stay there and take the abuse, despite the fact that it's abuse and said adult can easily tell it quite obviously sucks and is intolerable and they should leave immediately. How would one accomplish this feat of making someone think the exact opposite of what they know is right? By underhandedly making you believe that you're always wrong (or doubt that you're right), and that you're worthless and nobody else would want you, and that losing this job would be the worst thing in the world, and a variety of other things. Oh and that all jobs are like this. Yes I'm asking/accusing/wondering aloud whether that idea didn't somehow come from him too. Only because it so nicely dovetails with the goal of making you stay. Only you know the answer though, so consider where you got the idea. And by the way, let me reassure you, most jobs are NOT like this one. Most people are normal, kind, and supportive. The great irony is that the thing he threatens you with is precisely the BEST outcome - to leave this shit situation. In my state (yours may vary) if he fires you, or even if you quit, you can apply for unemployment, and there will be a phone hearing, at which you can make the case for managerial incompetence, i.e. that he not only fired you without cause, he also abused you, has a history of same (document it), endangered your health (stress, weight gain?) etc. such that you had to quit. It would be the truth.

Anyway, I repeat, the abuse is what's stopping you from getting another job. The longer you stay (and a year is already an eternity in this kind of situation) the worse it will get. You are in a FUCKING EMERGENCY. It's not "save up money until I can afford to quit," it's "quit now[0] because I can't afford NOT to quit." Worry later about paying rent. People break leases all the time without repercussions. Again your state landlord-tenant law may vary. Do you have any supportive family or friends you can stay with? You should let them know what happened, move in with them and start healing from this, and returning to normal. And actively challenging and verifying everything you "learned" at this job.

What I'm advising might be extreme. There will be problems to overcome if you do it. But at least you won't have to overcome them with that monkey on your back. I'll monitor this thread in case you want to talk.

[0] Edit: Or make him fire you.

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