How Men’s Bodies Change When They Become Fathers • Hacker News Board

Re: How Men’s Bodies Change When They Become Fathers

#261

Post by philwelch » Thu, Aug 22, 2019, 11:32 PM UTC

themoat wrote: post #245

philwelch wrote: post #229

Earlier quoted context omitted.

I don’t have kids but my wife and I have discussed having an explicit shift rotation where one of us stays home with the baby during the day while the other works, sleeps in the early evening when the working parent gets home, and gets up at night when the working parent goes to bed. I always wonder if it would actually work.

My wife and I did that for 2 years. It works, but like everything, there are trade offs. It's great that you know your child is being raised by you and your partner. You aren't offloading the child to a babysitter and trusting daycare to raise them with your principles or just to your level of care. The downside is crossing paths with your spouse in a 5 minute handoff. Rushed dinners to cram in as much adult interact…

It took two years before the baby slept through the night? That's almost more terrifying.

Re: How Men’s Bodies Change When They Become Fathers

#262

Post by dual_basis » Thu, Aug 22, 2019, 11:34 PM UTC

shadowtree wrote: post #258

rconti wrote: post #224

Earlier quoted context omitted.

Thanks for the opinion. I feel the same way as the parent poster - this thread is fairly horrifying, particularly as someone who has spent the past couple of years on personal growth, particularly improving my fitness and sleep. Always been on the fence, keep hoping I want to have kids some day, because I sure don't want to go into it with a negative attitude. I don't want to "miss out" and regret having lived a chil…

Remember that despite all the self-improvements, you will die. Having kids gives you a chance in making a more significant impression than just exist and disappear.

What? In what way? Genetically? I mean, I suppose, but do you really care about that? Passing on your beliefs / values? This rarely even makes it a single generation, and why can't you do this by simply making an impression on people around you?

I don't think anyone should have children because it helps them come to terms with their own mortality.

Re: How Men’s Bodies Change When They Become Fathers

#263

Post by dragonwriter » Thu, Aug 22, 2019, 11:39 PM UTC

dual_basis wrote: post #262

shadowtree wrote: post #258

Earlier quoted context omitted.

Remember that despite all the self-improvements, you will die. Having kids gives you a chance in making a more significant impression than just exist and disappear.

What? In what way? Genetically? I mean, I suppose, but do you really care about that? Passing on your beliefs / values? This rarely even makes it a single generation, and why can't you do this by simply making an impression on people around you? I don't think anyone should have children because it helps them come to terms with their own mortality.

> why can't you do this by simply making an impression on people around you?

It's easier to make an impression on someone if you are nearly constantly around them through their most impressionable years, starting at or near birth.

If you aren't the actual (natural or adoptive) parent, the actual parents will probably get tired of you trying to do this relatively quickly, unless you have an unusual relationship with them.

Re: How Men’s Bodies Change When They Become Fathers

#264

Post by curioussavage » Fri, Aug 23, 2019, 12:00 AM UTC

magduf wrote: post #238

geggam wrote: post #156

Earlier quoted context omitted.

Many women I know wish society wouldnt pressure them to work so they could stay home and be a mother. The current economic situation in the US is prohibitive to this family structure as well. The combination of those two things is a huge problem in our society.

A lot of this is stuff Americans have done to themselves. They all want a huge house in the suburbs with two huge gas-guzzling SUVs in the garage, so that necessitates both parents working to pay for all this largesse. If Americans lived in dense cities with small living quarters and took public transit to work, they wouldn't need to spend so much money on housing and transportation, and they wouldn't feel the need t…

This is a silly generalization.

Also my suburb I just moved to is way cheaper than dense city living and much less stressful. No gas guzzling.

Re: How Men’s Bodies Change When They Become Fathers

#265

Post by JeremyNT » Fri, Aug 23, 2019, 1:58 AM UTC

rdtwo wrote: post #233

drewg123 wrote: post #149

Earlier quoted context omitted.

When my son was born, he didn't sleep well, so I didn't either. My wife has a career and I was an equal partner in his care. It didn't help that I was working 80+ hours a week on something that was key to the success of the small company I worked for. Add in stress eating, and cutting out exercise due to perceived lack of time, and I gained 10-15lbs a year until my son was 4 or 5. My son is 13 now, and its only in th…

Honestly idk how it’s possible to afford the extra hour and a half for gym 3 days a week as a dad with a toddler

You really don't need a gym. Get a pull up bar and some gymnast rings and just do what you can when the child naps. Even better add a bike trainer for cardio since you can't leave the house to run anymore either.

Caring for a toddler means being shackled to a creature that is entirely dependant on you, but there are still ways you can work in some self care while taking care of them.

Re: How Men’s Bodies Change When They Become Fathers

#266

Post by jkepler » Fri, Aug 23, 2019, 2:57 AM UTC

magduf wrote: post #238

geggam wrote: post #156

Earlier quoted context omitted.

Many women I know wish society wouldnt pressure them to work so they could stay home and be a mother. The current economic situation in the US is prohibitive to this family structure as well. The combination of those two things is a huge problem in our society.

A lot of this is stuff Americans have done to themselves. They all want a huge house in the suburbs with two huge gas-guzzling SUVs in the garage, so that necessitates both parents working to pay for all this largesse. If Americans lived in dense cities with small living quarters and took public transit to work, they wouldn't need to spend so much money on housing and transportation, and they wouldn't feel the need t…

I agree that lifestyle choices often require both spouses to work. However, it's not simply due to suburban American 'largesse'. I know plenty of people who live in France in comparatively tiny apartments or homes, who still feel the need for both spouses to work to make ends meet.

The frugal living needed to be a stay-at-home mom or dad tends to be rare regardless of location, but it's not impossible.

Re: How Men’s Bodies Change When They Become Fathers

#267

Post by distant_hat » Fri, Aug 23, 2019, 5:47 AM UTC

sgt101 wrote: post #57

>2014, Dr. Pilyoung Kim, Ph.D., a developmental neuroscientist at The University of Denver, put 16 new dads into an M.R.I. machine: once between the first two to four weeks of their baby’s life, and again between 12 and 16 weeks 16 examples -> I would set more store by tealeaf reading.

Underrated comment. Especially with a technique like fMRI.

Re: How Men’s Bodies Change When They Become Fathers

#268

Post by Wildgoose » Fri, Aug 23, 2019, 7:00 AM UTC

geden wrote: post #209

DrAwdeOccarim wrote: post #116

Earlier quoted context omitted.

I haven't noticed the "anything about a newborn/small child must be 100% positive" in my group of friends, especially my work colleagues. I've been pretty straight forward about how hard the whole thing has been, especially adding a second child to the mix before the first one was 2 yo. I wouldn't recommend having a second child to anyone unless they really, really wanted it. It's hard af. Logarithmically harder than…

Agreed, but weirdly our experience was that three was easier than two. We truely had to let go of the idea that we could do everything the 'right way' and as a result became more relaxed and confident parents as a result. Anecdotally our third child is the least anxious and most confident out of the three. We were clearer about the stuff that really didn't need sweating over - we had no choice!

We've three children as well and like you, our third is definitely the most outgoing and confident. She also acts like a "glue" for her older siblings, (boy and girl).

It actually gets easier the more children you have, not more difficult.

Re: How Men’s Bodies Change When They Become Fathers

#269

Post by Wildgoose » Fri, Aug 23, 2019, 7:38 AM UTC

agent008t wrote: post #136

roland35 wrote: post #135

Earlier quoted context omitted.

Having two kids myself, it has been the best thing to happen to me by far. I never really thought about having kids until my late 20's, so I can understand why people may want to go child-free. Kids are a huge investment of time and effort after all! But personally I could not imagine it any other way. Also, it is nice to have a receptive audience to dad jokes.

So are the others in this thread exaggerating the negatives? Or is it more that those difficulties are fairly short-term, and in the longer run don't really matter / are forgotten? Say, like preparing for and sitting a difficult exam, or going to the dentist, etc.

Yes, they are exaggerating the negatives - as a father of three I can honestly say that parenthood is wonderful and fulfilling. My only regret is that we didn't have a fourth child!

Re: How Men’s Bodies Change When They Become Fathers

#270

Post by dang » Fri, Aug 23, 2019, 7:39 AM UTC

mffnbs wrote: post #31

ijiiijji1 wrote: post #24

0. Earplugs 1. Division-of-labor, specialization of trade... although it might not fit every feminists' "equality of outcome, share everything" political-correctness, it doesn't make combined net income much sense (or cents) to risk a $300k income with sleeplessness/low-productivity vs. an $80k one if one spouse (assuming spouse isn't a lawyer, doctor or engineer) can be at home full-time, or both as full-time parent…

This is the type of sexist, ignorant bullshit I'd expect to see on reddit. Welcome to hn

Please don't break the site guidelines by replying to egregious comments—a.k.a. feeding trolls—instead of flagging them.

https://news.ycombinator.com/newsguidelines.html

Making HN worse while criticizing it seems incongruent and doesn't help anything. We've banned that account (an obvious troll: https://news.ycombinator.com/threads?id=ijiiijji1). Meanwhile this other offtopicness just adds noise, and supercilious noise to boot. If you're going to judge a site by the trolls it gets, every site is worthless.