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I’ve Picked My Job over My Kids

nytimes.com

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Re: I’ve Picked My Job over My Kids

#321

Post by adwww »

lukego wrote: post #113
jedberg wrote: post #50

> I also remind myself that if I were a dad, I would be getting accolades for all the times I scheduled a doctor’s appointment or arranged a play date. 1000 times this. If I take the kids to the store, or through airport security, or pretty much anywhere, women are practically running over to "help" me. Thank you but I got it. Go help that poor mom over there with three meltdowns to deal with, she needs it a lot more…

This is very cultural too. Some places it's expected that dads take care of kids equally with mums. I heard a great anecdote about a Manhattanite visiting Stockholm on vacation. Lots of men pushing prams all around town. "My goodness, look at all the young male nannies in Sweden!"

They have a name - Latte papa

Re: I’ve Picked My Job over My Kids

#322

Post by rlonn »

MRD85 wrote: post #303
rlonn wrote: post #175

Earlier quoted context omitted.

I agree. There are lots of things about raising kids that are intellectually stimulating and fascinating. I really enjoy seeing them grow mentally and figuring out ways to help them along, and also think up ways to make things fun of course, because everyone needs fun. For us, this has meant quite a lot of shared cultural consumption. I've bought hundreds of story books 2nd hand, and read to them, and I think it has…

Are you doing this solo or do you have a partner? My experience as a single dad is that I can go entire days without having a single conversation with another adult. My adult friends aren't too interested in hanging out parenting. They are also demanding enough that I'll get zero time to do anything I wish to do while they're awake.

I have a partner yeah, and the kids are reaching an age now (5 and 7) where they don't need as much help anymore. Dressing, eating, tidying etc they can do on their own so things are also getting easier. With them, at least. We also have a 2-month old now ;)

Anyway, your comment about friends not being interested makes it sound as if you have no adult support whatsoever. It would probably help a lot if you could make new friends w people who have kids the same age. Where I am (Stockholm) it seems this tends to happen when people go on a longer stretch of parental leave - you automatically meet and start hanging out w families w small kids, whose parents are also on parental leave. I think it really helps having other adults around who understand - as emotional support if nothing else.

I bet there are parents groups, or even single-parent groups you can join, to get in touch w others like you.

Re: I’ve Picked My Job over My Kids

#323

Post by meheleventyone »

lb1lf wrote: post #296
meheleventyone wrote: post #143

Earlier quoted context omitted.

I’m fortunate enough to live in Iceland so both my kids got a place in a state kindergarten (leikskoli) from 18 months. Having seen the care and attention they pay to the development of kids I honestly don’t know why this isn’t more common outside of Nordic countries. Particularly with modern societal expectations on parents and the future of society being entirely dependent on the effort it put into its future citiz…

Being Norwegian, I've found that quite a few Icelandic words are just brilliantly descriptive. I just learned another one; leikskoli. Beats our 'barnehage' for kindergarten, that's for sure!

Interestingly we’d call it playschool in the UK as well. Kindergarten in the English context seems way more of a US thing.

Re: I’ve Picked My Job over My Kids

#324

Post by rlonn »

EdwardDiego wrote: post #318
ovatsug25 wrote: post #280

Earlier quoted context omitted.

Great! I find I might be in the same situation in the future. How do you do parenting around the dinner table? Heck—how do you get dinner ready for 5?! If you can, would love to hear more! :)

Everyone eats together, no screens, books, toys etc. Especially me, it's always tempting to clean while they eat, but there's so much more value just touching base. And then we talk. Things that happened at school, on the bus, at work, in the news. Any teachable moments come up, you use them - especially good for reinforcing the values you're trying to impart by running through scenarios based on what happened. Bedti…

I think your kids are very lucky. You seem to know what's important and be determined enough to get it. The only thing I can add that I didn't see on your list is "Take care of yourself also". My dad died young because he didn't take care of himself, and his four kids thought it kind of sucked. Perhaps see yourself as just the eldest kid in the family. Easy to say, hard to do I guess.

Re: I’ve Picked My Job over My Kids

#325

Post by rlonn »

lb1lf wrote: post #296
meheleventyone wrote: post #143

Earlier quoted context omitted.

I’m fortunate enough to live in Iceland so both my kids got a place in a state kindergarten (leikskoli) from 18 months. Having seen the care and attention they pay to the development of kids I honestly don’t know why this isn’t more common outside of Nordic countries. Particularly with modern societal expectations on parents and the future of society being entirely dependent on the effort it put into its future citiz…

Being Norwegian, I've found that quite a few Icelandic words are just brilliantly descriptive. I just learned another one; leikskoli. Beats our 'barnehage' for kindergarten, that's for sure!

Almost the same in swedish: lekskola (or "lekis") and dagskola ("dagis") but they have now been replaced by the more pretentious "förskola" as we like to be pretentious over here. "barnhage" is a small cage you put toddlers in so they can't escape - makes sense you guys use that word for kindergarten ;)

Re: I’ve Picked My Job over My Kids

#326

Post by vitro »

On one dad's workshop I came across nice ideal to strive for: Be with your kid one hour a day.

Be with your kid one whole day a week.

Be with your kid one weekend a month.

Be with your kid one week a year.

And by being with your kid it is meant really to be there, fully present, attentive.

Re: I’ve Picked My Job over My Kids

#327

Post by EdwardDiego »

rlonn wrote: post #324
EdwardDiego wrote: post #318

Earlier quoted context omitted.

Everyone eats together, no screens, books, toys etc. Especially me, it's always tempting to clean while they eat, but there's so much more value just touching base. And then we talk. Things that happened at school, on the bus, at work, in the news. Any teachable moments come up, you use them - especially good for reinforcing the values you're trying to impart by running through scenarios based on what happened. Bedti…

I think your kids are very lucky. You seem to know what's important and be determined enough to get it. The only thing I can add that I didn't see on your list is "Take care of yourself also". My dad died young because he didn't take care of himself, and his four kids thought it kind of sucked. Perhaps see yourself as just the eldest kid in the family. Easy to say, hard to do I guess.

That is hard, but I try. My partner and I (we still run separate households) cherish the time we get together - and I'm really lucky that my oldest son is able and willing to watch the others, every Saturday, when my toddler is down for her nap, my partner and I have lunch at a favourite restaurant.

Re: I’ve Picked My Job over My Kids

#328

Post by justforyou »

cheez wrote: post #268
justforyou wrote: post #265

Earlier quoted context omitted.

So are they hard to find because they get shouted out of mainstream consciousness, because of insufficient expertise at searching, or because they don't exist?

Let me ask you: had you heard of this very old statistic until now? Why not? Edit: I dusted off my Google-fu and found this: https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC1854883/

Yes. There's nothing intuitively shocking about those results.

What exactly is your concern here?

Re: I’ve Picked My Job over My Kids

#329

Post by krageon »

nradov wrote: post #74
rayiner wrote: post #10

Earlier quoted context omitted.

https://pdfs.semanticscholar.org/f239/63aabbc3053bba4c5a5e68... > This research examined the association between parenting style and life satisfaction in adulthood (N=112). Participants responded to an online survey, called the Parenting Style and Life Satisfaction Survey, which included questions pertaining to parenting style experienced in childhood, parenting style used in adulthood, and levels of life satisfactio…

Is life satisfaction the correct metric?

Yes, because that is how we determine whether or not someone needs help in the first place. If you have a better alternative, I invite you to elaborate.

Re: I’ve Picked My Job over My Kids

#330

Post by krageon »

Jare wrote: post #138
permatech wrote: post #124

Earlier quoted context omitted.

You know, I think we would have still made it to the moon if those two guys spent time with their family

But it wasn't just about mankind making it to the moon. It was about getting there "before the bad guys". About making a show of willpower. About proving that no sacrifice is too large.

> About proving that no sacrifice is too large.

I would posit that this mindset is broadly a disease and not a cure.

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