How to parent more predictably (2018) • Hacker News Board

Re: How to parent more predictably (2018)

#181

Post by RandomBacon » Thu, Jun 13, 2019, 9:29 PM UTC

alexandercrohde wrote: post #41

I used to spend time and energy collecting thoughts on how I could be a great parent. Then one day my aunt told me she was mad at her father for being "too logical" when raising her because it gave her unrealistic expectations. Then I started to question everything... If a parent never misbehaved is a kid going to be thrown for a loop when they meet emotional teachers? Did my own fathers weaknesses force me to develo…

> Then one day my aunt told me she was mad at her father for being "too logical" when raising her because it gave her unrealistic expectations.

> If a parent never misbehaved is a kid going to be thrown for a loop when they meet emotional teachers?

I would teach/explain to my kid(s) that not everyone is like me or you, or anyone else. Some people prioritize emotions over logic, even to their own detriment. Not everyone is like that, most people make decisions based on emotion, but stop short of hurting themselves too badly. Etc.

I would also give them the opportunity to discover this for themselves, not have it be a surprise when they go out on their own for the first time. I'm a scout leader, I have the kids interact with adults when we go places instead of myself. They need to build confidence and ability to work with people in other age groups.

Re: How to parent more predictably (2018)

#182

Post by fjsolwmv » Thu, Jun 13, 2019, 9:32 PM UTC

gumby wrote: post #34

zubspace wrote: post #9

There are a few things which helped me get better at parenting: * Timeouts rarely work. Try to respond with something which makes sense. Like if your kid throws around things, they need to clean up (with your help). * If things get out of hand, I stay with or hold my kid until the situation gets better and then discuss/explain the current situation and how we will act next time. * It's always good to figure out how y…

> “* Timeouts rarely work.” Modulo the differences in kids and situations: I’ve seen timeouts intended as punishments and I agree they typically don’t work (not that punishment “works” particularly well either). But it can be great as a way to defuse a situation when the participant(s) is/are amped up to the point where they can’t think rationally can not only be useful but be welcome. Adults do this too: they get an…

As used in this thread starter, "time out" means being sent away as punishment. Going to "cool off", or to use physical separation to end/prevent conflicts, is a not a punishment "time out".

A good test is whether going away is for the goer's immediate benefit. It should be.

Re: How to parent more predictably (2018)

#183

Post by socialist_coder » Thu, Jun 13, 2019, 9:34 PM UTC

JshWright wrote: post #21

zubspace wrote: post #9

There are a few things which helped me get better at parenting: * Timeouts rarely work. Try to respond with something which makes sense. Like if your kid throws around things, they need to clean up (with your help). * If things get out of hand, I stay with or hold my kid until the situation gets better and then discuss/explain the current situation and how we will act next time. * It's always good to figure out how y…

I don't think the two options you present in your first point are mutually exclusive. Cleaning up the mess is not a "consequence", it is simply the expected behavior. Failing to clean up the mess is what results in the timeout. We frequently use "timeout until you clean up the mess". The consequence ends as soon as the appropriate behavior starts. A timeout can also a good way to allow emotions to cool (on both sides…

I would love to have an alternative to timeouts for hitting and saying mean things.

For those I still think the timeout is the best tool.

Re: How to parent more predictably (2018)

#184

Post by socialist_coder » Thu, Jun 13, 2019, 9:34 PM UTC

I feel like if you don't do this stuff intuitively, you can't really learn it.

My only data point is my SO. No matter how many times I try to coach my SO on these very simple parenting rules, she just doesn't get it. She makes threats she cannot follow through with, she doesn't think of simple "if you do this then we'll do that" tricks, and doesn't use the simple 1-2-3 timeout method.

All that stuff seems very intuitive to me. But I think some people just don't get it and never will.

Re: How to parent more predictably (2018)

#185

Post by foolfoolz » Thu, Jun 13, 2019, 9:35 PM UTC

RobertRoberts wrote: post #157

cadlin wrote: post #127

Earlier quoted context omitted.

Perhaps they're decent parents, and you're a lousy judge of parenting?

Sure, that's possible. One issue they had was their kids stayed up too late, didn't get enough sleep and screamed a lot near the end of the day. They were late to school (in elementary level) because the parents were tired too. I think this is objectively bad parenting... but I could be wrong. Edit: since I got one down vote let me add > they scream at their kids regularly (daily, sometimes the normal tone), let them…

sounds like wrong because different

Re: How to parent more predictably (2018)

#186

Post by fjsolwmv » Thu, Jun 13, 2019, 9:36 PM UTC

ptah wrote: post #24

zubspace wrote: post #9

There are a few things which helped me get better at parenting: * Timeouts rarely work. Try to respond with something which makes sense. Like if your kid throws around things, they need to clean up (with your help). * If things get out of hand, I stay with or hold my kid until the situation gets better and then discuss/explain the current situation and how we will act next time. * It's always good to figure out how y…

timeouts work better if you call it naughty step instead. i've seen a few supernanny episodes where parents used timeouts before and it didn't work, and then she introduced naughty step and it works a charm

What is a "naughty step"?

Re: How to parent more predictably (2018)

#187

Post by fjsolwmv » Thu, Jun 13, 2019, 9:38 PM UTC

jwr wrote: post #122

If you want to be better at parenting, get a dog first, and learn how to deal with dogs. Properly, using modern behavioral techniques. You will find that many rules apply both to dogs and kids (which shouldn't be surprising, really). Things like consistency (try to set as few rules as possible, but if you do set them, enforce them without exceptions), deciding ahead of time and sticking to it assertively (do not chan…

It also works to practice with coworkers, friends, and really anything with a modicum of intelligence and a limbic system.

Re: How to parent more predictably (2018)

#188

Post by fjsolwmv » Thu, Jun 13, 2019, 9:39 PM UTC

sequoia wrote: post #165

My advice to new parents is to ignore most people's advice & trust their instincts. The best response to the deluge of "you're parenting wrong" articles is to tell the authors of such articles, politely but firmly, to go pound sand. Sure, read books and articles to learn strategies you can try, tools for your toolbox, but ultimately, "relax–you'll figure it out!" is the best advice. Most parents care immensely about…

Your first paragraph contradicts your second paragraph.

Re: How to parent more predictably (2018)

#189

Post by fjsolwmv » Thu, Jun 13, 2019, 9:41 PM UTC

brewdad wrote: post #90

lazyant wrote: post #72

A pattern that I see a lot in parks etc is parents wanting to leave and telling the little kids "5 more minutes!" then after 5 minutes "just one more minute!" or whatever. Pro-tip: kids are not aware of what 5 minutes looks like, make it a specific number of activities: "going down the slide 10 times more", you can count together and it looks initially like a large number. Not a magic wand but works way better than t…

This works the other way too though. I've seen some parents use the 5 minutes warning and then pack the kids up after only 2 or 3 minutes. The kids don't know the difference and it allows the "warning" to be consistent even when the timing can't be for whatever reason. And yes, 10 more times down the slide can easily turn into 9 times in a row and holding on to that 10th time for as long as possible.

Better to use accurate language like "5 more moments" or "time to wrap up" or "one last ride", to avoid messing up your child's budding sense of chronology and numeracy.

Re: How to parent more predictably (2018)

#190

Post by watwut » Thu, Jun 13, 2019, 9:42 PM UTC

toast0 wrote: post #167

gilbetron wrote: post #71

Earlier quoted context omitted.

The thing I (eventually) realized was that all that advice and techniques almost never help with the current situation you are in. However, it almost always helps with future situations. Rarely do kids (or people, or pets even!) stop their reaction when you use some technique. However, the next time they have that reaction, they will remember what happened before and react differently. So when my son was a toddler an…

> So when my son was a toddler and through his food on the floor, me taking the food away caused a tantrum and made that moment worse. However, the next day (or whatever) when he had the same food, it was much less likely he would throw it on the ground because you could see him remembering what had happened before. At the same time that you're training your toddler not to throw his food on the floor; he's training y…

I dont know why this was downvoted. The other way really works too. Adults adapt to what child does both consciously and subconsciously. The difference is that the child at that age does not do it for purpose, they dont plan yet.