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How to parent more predictably (2018)

jefftk.com

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Re: How to parent more predictably (2018)

#31

Post by acjohnson55 »

One of my best tools with my toddler is "don't react, respond". My first thought is rarely my best thought, and my reactionary tone of voice is not my most loving and supportive. A kid doesn't need your immediate answer to everything. You can tell them, "let me think about that" and literally take the time to consider your options. Almost nothing is an emergency situation requiring your elevated tone of voice or physically rushing towards them.

Another tip is that if you see your kid either doing or about to do something you don't approve of, you can slowly close the physical distance so that you can intervene in a non-reactionary way.

Lastly, when it comes to predictability, I totally agree with the author. But don't be too hard on yourself. You're going to establish all sorts of bad patterns. Just establish the new pattern, suffer through the couple days of reaction to change, and move forward. My toddler is much better at adopting new normals than I am.

A lot of this I learned from being a classroom teacher and also from listening to Janet Lansbury's podcast (https://www.janetlansbury.com/podcast-audio/).

Re: How to parent more predictably (2018)

#33

Post by JshWright »

marktangotango wrote: post #2

We’ve found timeouts are very effective with our kids. Although one parent is more consistent about applying them than the other. One thing we’ve learned is that time out with an angry child is not especially effective. So as our kids have gotten older we will have them owe us a time out for when they’re more calm and can actually get something from it. We’ve also found devices are gold for discipline. Our routine is…

> Although one parent is more consistent about applying them than the other.

I suspect the "good cop/bad cop" parenting thing is inevitable in most relationships (it's certainly the default for me and my wife). It's something we try to be very aware of and intentional about (I think it can be pretty destructive if allowed to go unchecked).

> One thing we’ve learned is that time out with an angry child is not especially effective. So as our kids have gotten older we will have them owe us a time out for when they’re more calm and can actually get something from it.

Our view is that the timeout is most effective when a kid is angry (or in any out of control emotional state). The timeout provides a time and space to get emotions under control, then we can have a conversation with cooler heads about expectations and consequences.

Re: How to parent more predictably (2018)

#34

Post by gumby »

zubspace wrote: post #9

There are a few things which helped me get better at parenting: * Timeouts rarely work. Try to respond with something which makes sense. Like if your kid throws around things, they need to clean up (with your help). * If things get out of hand, I stay with or hold my kid until the situation gets better and then discuss/explain the current situation and how we will act next time. * It's always good to figure out how y…

> “* Timeouts rarely work.”

Modulo the differences in kids and situations: I’ve seen timeouts intended as punishments and I agree they typically don’t work (not that punishment “works” particularly well either).

But it can be great as a way to defuse a situation when the participant(s) is/are amped up to the point where they can’t think rationally can not only be useful but be welcome. Adults do this too: they get angry or ovwrstimulated and take a walk to “cool off”. Kids can get amped up by all sorts of emotions, not just anger (which appears to be uncommon in most young kids).

As for punishment: I think it’s mainly for the benefit of the one administering it (something that also carries through to the criminal “justice” system). However facing the consequences of your actions is useful (when the milk spills in your lap you need to change your clothes because sitting in wet sticky clothes is no fun either...so learn. It to spill things). And as kids get older (8+...?), their requirements become more abstract so can the consequences as well. But ideally still connected to the infraction.

Re: How to parent more predictably (2018)

#35

Post by JshWright »

empath75 wrote: post #29
logifail wrote: post #11

Earlier quoted context omitted.

>> What about tantrums in public > Like tantrum at a restaurant, take them outside till they cool off. Our youngest had a gold-plated tantrum (with screaming turned up to 11) on a flight with me last summer, triggered by me insisting that she fasten her lap belt. Short of carrying a tranquiliser gun (joke!) I'm not sure what one can do with an over-tired, over-excited 2 year-old in these situations, apart from try no…

When we flew cross country with our baby, a mom and two older kids across the aisle insisted that we give her our baby to hold and at that point we were so frazzled from the screaming and fussing that we acquiesced and they had the baby laughing and cooing the rest of the flight. If I’m being honest I was a little bit hurt.

Babies generally respond well to new and varied stimuli. That sounds like a great recipe for a happy baby. Parents still close enough to feel safe, but new people and behaviors to experience. I've also found babies generally love kids...

Re: How to parent more predictably (2018)

#36

Post by geekamongus »

thrownthrow wrote: post #12
thrower123 wrote: post #5

Earlier quoted context omitted.

They will start getting experience with arbitrary, petty, random and chaotic behavior as soon as you start sending them to public school.

I'm not sure I understand what you're getting at. A thinly veiled insult perhaps?

It could be interpreted that way, but it also holds a certain amount of truth.

Re: How to parent more predictably (2018)

#37

Post by arkitaip »

acjohnson55 wrote: post #31

One of my best tools with my toddler is "don't react, respond". My first thought is rarely my best thought, and my reactionary tone of voice is not my most loving and supportive. A kid doesn't need your immediate answer to everything. You can tell them, "let me think about that" and literally take the time to consider your options. Almost nothing is an emergency situation requiring your elevated tone of voice or phys…

Any specific episodes you would like to recommend? Thanks!

Re: How to parent more predictably (2018)

#38

Post by ca98am79 »

I've read a lot of parenting advice and it all sounds good in theory, but in practice everything goes out the window. I'm in the throws of it now with a 9-month old and a 3-year old. It is hard to think about advice you read in an article when you have not slept and the kids are screaming and having a trantrum. Or you try to do what the article said and then it doesn't work at all and only makes things worse.

I think you just have to wing it and do your best. Just be intuitive and as empathetic as possible with your kids.

Re: How to parent more predictably (2018)

#40

Post by JshWright »

thrownthrow wrote: post #12
thrower123 wrote: post #5

Earlier quoted context omitted.

They will start getting experience with arbitrary, petty, random and chaotic behavior as soon as you start sending them to public school.

I'm not sure I understand what you're getting at. A thinly veiled insult perhaps?

That's not how I read it... Going to school means interacting with dozens/hundreds of other people (many of them peers who are still developing social interaction skills). Encountering those behaviors is inevitable in that setting.
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