How to parent more predictably (2018) • Hacker News Board

Re: How to parent more predictably (2018)

#121

Post by mekane8 » Thu, Jun 13, 2019, 3:46 PM UTC

I really like these tips. My wife and I have followed a very similar approach, and I like to think we have two well-behaved, considerate, and appropriately responsible 5-year-olds.

We find timeouts to be quite effective, and we use the clear "you need to do X or it's a timeout" and then clearly counting to three. This is often after a few attempts to ask in a regular tone of voice and/or cajole. In fact I have found the number of timeouts we actually give has decreased dramatically, and just counting does the trick now when we need them to respond quickly.

My wife and I were both classroom teachers in the past, so we've both been able to use some of those tools with our kids. We do of course let them be kids, let them have their occasional freak-out moments, and we couch all of this in a lot of love, affection, and communication.

Re: How to parent more predictably (2018)

#122

Post by jwr » Thu, Jun 13, 2019, 3:50 PM UTC

If you want to be better at parenting, get a dog first, and learn how to deal with dogs. Properly, using modern behavioral techniques. You will find that many rules apply both to dogs and kids (which shouldn't be surprising, really).

Things like consistency (try to set as few rules as possible, but if you do set them, enforce them without exceptions), deciding ahead of time and sticking to it assertively (do not change your decision based on pleading), calmness (dogs do not follow or listen to people who are agitated and nervous), avoiding too much control (do not issue too many commands), enforcing control (when you do issue a command, it needs to be obeyed, and not repeated), and punishment (calm, immediate, understandable, predictable and linked to the transgression) — you can learn all of those while properly raising a dog.

Also, never lie to your kid (or dog) and answer their every question seriously.

Re: How to parent more predictably (2018)

#123

Post by dsfyu404ed » Thu, Jun 13, 2019, 3:51 PM UTC

osullivj wrote: post #100

asark wrote: post #55

Earlier quoted context omitted.

With three kids (or even two!), any advice from someone with one comes off as at least as grating as advice from people with no kids did when I only had one. All the time-consuming "just hang out with them and talk to them like humans! Hug them for ten minutes! Make them complex, healthy dishes for every meal! I do it and it all works so well! I mean I also have a night nanny and cleaning service but I won't mention…

Yes - parenting three young kids is brutal. In my experience it does get easier for a while, once the youngest is past nappies, sleepless nights and is into kindergarten. Then you're in the sweet spot for a few years, until the teenage shit starts. Again, IMHO, boys are much harder work than girls under five. It reverses when puberty hits; teen girls make for highly demanding parenting. Dads get an easier ride from t…

When it comes to teenage brothers the line between "normal antics" and "unstoppable force of mayhem" (especially if one/both have jobs and therefore money) is very, very thin.

Re: How to parent more predictably (2018)

#124

Post by gumby » Thu, Jun 13, 2019, 4:04 PM UTC

totalrobe wrote: post #114

gumby wrote: post #34

Earlier quoted context omitted.

> “* Timeouts rarely work.” Modulo the differences in kids and situations: I’ve seen timeouts intended as punishments and I agree they typically don’t work (not that punishment “works” particularly well either). But it can be great as a way to defuse a situation when the participant(s) is/are amped up to the point where they can’t think rationally can not only be useful but be welcome. Adults do this too: they get an…

The purpose of a timeout for toddlers / small children is to have a negative (but not harmful) consequence they understand so they can make a choice as to whether to continue a certain behavior or not. There are very few appropriate negative consequences available that a toddler will understand. Punishment does have its place in behavioral training but is not the first or even third method to rely on. Parents should…

> The purpose of a timeout for toddlers / small children is to have a negative (but not harmful) consequence they understand...

Looks like we disagree.

In general I am opposed to punishment (obviously one cannot be absolute on such a matter) but in particular: the younger the child the less agency and less ability to connect cause and effect, so I consider punishment pretty much ineffective for toddler ages.

But society is a huge parallel processing system so my opinion need not be universal.

Re: How to parent more predictably (2018)

#125

Post by dragonwriter » Thu, Jun 13, 2019, 4:04 PM UTC

RobertRoberts wrote: post #52

We have some family friends that are decent people, but lousy parents. After about 16 years of observation two of their kids have graduated (one with honors) and the older they get, the more decent they have become, very similar to their parents. What I learned: Kids will turn out like their parents. And poorly skilled parents can still raise decent and well behaved kids. Who you are and how you treat people is more…

> Who you are and how you treat people is more important than technical skills to get your kids to behave.

Or, rather, the actual most important “technical skill to get your kids to behave”, in the long term view is modelling the behavior you want to see.

Re: How to parent more predictably (2018)

#126

Post by lubujackson » Thu, Jun 13, 2019, 4:07 PM UTC

totalrobe wrote: post #66

zubspace wrote: post #9

There are a few things which helped me get better at parenting: * Timeouts rarely work. Try to respond with something which makes sense. Like if your kid throws around things, they need to clean up (with your help). * If things get out of hand, I stay with or hold my kid until the situation gets better and then discuss/explain the current situation and how we will act next time. * It's always good to figure out how y…

>* Timeouts rarely work. This is entirely opposite of my experience. We do timeouts for harmful things (like hitting newborn baby brother, running into the street) or if he is having a tantrum and isn't cooling down. We didn't try timeouts until we read https://www.amazon.com/Happiest-Toddler-Block-Cooperative-Fo... , but we do use them now and they seem to be one of the few things that have a lasting effect on my to…

We have had great success with positive parenting (I think there is a book of that same name). Instead of timeouts we focus on calming and identifying emotions. It is empowering for children to be able to self-identity overwhelming emotions and handle them appropriately, which is a skill more adults would learn as well (myself included!)

Simple tricks are to tie physical actions to images to help them calm down. "Smell the flowers" then "blow out the candles" instead of "take deep breaths". We ask him to identify his emotion: "Are you frustrated?" "No, I'm sad!" Leading to a chat about the source of the reaction and not just deal with just the physical event.

Instead of a timeout we ask if he wants to go calm his body then come back when he is ready. Our 4 year old has been saying things like "I need to go calm my body!" when he gets upset, which is amazing. If he is in a situation in which he needs to be removed actively we don't treat it like punishment we say "let's go calm our bodies before coming back."

Having a GOAL to the timeout gives your child agency and helps them navigate emotions.

Re: How to parent more predictably (2018)

#127

Post by cadlin » Thu, Jun 13, 2019, 4:15 PM UTC

RobertRoberts wrote: post #52

We have some family friends that are decent people, but lousy parents. After about 16 years of observation two of their kids have graduated (one with honors) and the older they get, the more decent they have become, very similar to their parents. What I learned: Kids will turn out like their parents. And poorly skilled parents can still raise decent and well behaved kids. Who you are and how you treat people is more…

Perhaps they're decent parents, and you're a lousy judge of parenting?

Re: How to parent more predictably (2018)

#128

Post by selimthegrim » Thu, Jun 13, 2019, 4:20 PM UTC

jwr wrote: post #122

If you want to be better at parenting, get a dog first, and learn how to deal with dogs. Properly, using modern behavioral techniques. You will find that many rules apply both to dogs and kids (which shouldn't be surprising, really). Things like consistency (try to set as few rules as possible, but if you do set them, enforce them without exceptions), deciding ahead of time and sticking to it assertively (do not chan…

And then you have the kid and the dog at the same time...

Re: How to parent more predictably (2018)

#129

Post by war1025 » Thu, Jun 13, 2019, 4:20 PM UTC

throwayEngineer wrote: post #45

alexandercrohde wrote: post #41

I used to spend time and energy collecting thoughts on how I could be a great parent. Then one day my aunt told me she was mad at her father for being "too logical" when raising her because it gave her unrealistic expectations. Then I started to question everything... If a parent never misbehaved is a kid going to be thrown for a loop when they meet emotional teachers? Did my own fathers weaknesses force me to develo…

The whole identical twins separated at birth thing makes me believe environment is the only thing a parent can provide. Children do not listen to their parents for very long. A decent school, technology like a laptop, and maybe an awareness to dissuade bad friends. That seems like all you can do.

I don't know that I "listened" to my parents very well, but I did watch them a lot. Their actions influenced mine quite a bit.

Re: How to parent more predictably (2018)

#130

Post by fiftyfifty » Thu, Jun 13, 2019, 4:25 PM UTC

RobertRoberts wrote: post #52

We have some family friends that are decent people, but lousy parents. After about 16 years of observation two of their kids have graduated (one with honors) and the older they get, the more decent they have become, very similar to their parents. What I learned: Kids will turn out like their parents. And poorly skilled parents can still raise decent and well behaved kids. Who you are and how you treat people is more…

I have 3 kids in their late teens or early twenties and we have known a lot of other parents with kids in the same age group. I have seen the exact opposite when it comes to outcome, I have seen otherwise good, intelligent people produce drug addicts and sociopaths due to their lack of parenting.

I have seen hard working, successful parents produce lazy, unmotivated adults who are still living at home in their early to mid twenties with no plans to attend school or find any way to support themselves.

It's still definitely nature and nurture when it comes to producing functional adults as a parent.

Kids do not always turn out like their parents and we have thousands of years of written history to prove it.