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How to parent more predictably (2018)

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Re: How to parent more predictably (2018)

#131

Post by abfan1127 »

andruby wrote: post #118
empath75 wrote: post #94

Earlier quoted context omitted.

> You're going to establish all sorts of bad patterns. Just establish the new pattern, suffer through the couple days of reaction to change, and move forward. Thankfully, kids have fairly short memories about a lot of things. After a while they won't even remember you ever did things a different way.

But some things they seem to remember forever. I'm always amazed at the connections my child makes and the details he remembers.

My experience is that they remember, but that show more grace.

Re: How to parent more predictably (2018)

#132

Post by pjdemers »

ben7799 wrote: post #101

My kid is a bit of a behavior problem. The worst thing about some of this is these days so many of us are stuck leaving our kids with day care/school so much of the time, and plenty of these "professionals", don't get this stuff. Day care here ran about $2k/month and the education level of the teachers was just not up to par for that amount of money. I always wondered where the money was going, they all had college d…

for a while I was on the board of a day care. We were not -for-profit, but charged only a little less than for-profit day care. Some things about cost: Running the building cost more than I thought, and we got free rent. Heat, insurance, repairs, etc, were all more than I expected. Plumbing & HVAC repairs alone were more than I would have thought for the whole building. We had only two teachers with benefits, but it cost about $10k per month just for their benefits and statutory taxes. That is, we spent $10k every month on labor before the teachers received dollar one.

Re: How to parent more predictably (2018)

#133

Post by abfan1127 »

totalrobe wrote: post #114
gumby wrote: post #34

Earlier quoted context omitted.

> “* Timeouts rarely work.” Modulo the differences in kids and situations: I’ve seen timeouts intended as punishments and I agree they typically don’t work (not that punishment “works” particularly well either). But it can be great as a way to defuse a situation when the participant(s) is/are amped up to the point where they can’t think rationally can not only be useful but be welcome. Adults do this too: they get an…

The purpose of a timeout for toddlers / small children is to have a negative (but not harmful) consequence they understand so they can make a choice as to whether to continue a certain behavior or not. There are very few appropriate negative consequences available that a toddler will understand. Punishment does have its place in behavioral training but is not the first or even third method to rely on. Parents should…

I see timeouts as a chance for emotional thinking to subside and return to more rational thoughts. They intervene during undesired behaviors, and provide a place to complete the behavior (tantrum).

I completely agree regarding the criminal justice system.

Re: How to parent more predictably (2018)

#134

Post by PerfectElement »

asark wrote: post #55
ca98am79 wrote: post #38

I've read a lot of parenting advice and it all sounds good in theory, but in practice everything goes out the window. I'm in the throws of it now with a 9-month old and a 3-year old. It is hard to think about advice you read in an article when you have not slept and the kids are screaming and having a trantrum. Or you try to do what the article said and then it doesn't work at all and only makes things worse. I think…

With three kids (or even two!), any advice from someone with one comes off as at least as grating as advice from people with no kids did when I only had one. All the time-consuming "just hang out with them and talk to them like humans! Hug them for ten minutes! Make them complex, healthy dishes for every meal! I do it and it all works so well! I mean I also have a night nanny and cleaning service but I won't mention…

It looks like you're going through a tough period and lashing out on people who chose to have less than 3 kids.

Re: How to parent more predictably (2018)

#135

Post by [deleted] »

totalrobe wrote: post #114
gumby wrote: post #34

Earlier quoted context omitted.

> “* Timeouts rarely work.” Modulo the differences in kids and situations: I’ve seen timeouts intended as punishments and I agree they typically don’t work (not that punishment “works” particularly well either). But it can be great as a way to defuse a situation when the participant(s) is/are amped up to the point where they can’t think rationally can not only be useful but be welcome. Adults do this too: they get an…

The purpose of a timeout for toddlers / small children is to have a negative (but not harmful) consequence they understand so they can make a choice as to whether to continue a certain behavior or not. There are very few appropriate negative consequences available that a toddler will understand. Punishment does have its place in behavioral training but is not the first or even third method to rely on. Parents should…

[deleted]

Re: How to parent more predictably (2018)

#136

Post by bcrosby95 »

totalrobe wrote: post #66
zubspace wrote: post #9

There are a few things which helped me get better at parenting: * Timeouts rarely work. Try to respond with something which makes sense. Like if your kid throws around things, they need to clean up (with your help). * If things get out of hand, I stay with or hold my kid until the situation gets better and then discuss/explain the current situation and how we will act next time. * It's always good to figure out how y…

>* Timeouts rarely work. This is entirely opposite of my experience. We do timeouts for harmful things (like hitting newborn baby brother, running into the street) or if he is having a tantrum and isn't cooling down. We didn't try timeouts until we read https://www.amazon.com/Happiest-Toddler-Block-Cooperative-Fo... , but we do use them now and they seem to be one of the few things that have a lasting effect on my to…

> like hitting newborn baby brother

We ran into this problem. Our oldest would just hit him again 5 minutes after the timeout. It got to the point where she would hit him, say "timeout!" and go to her timeout spot. She hated the timeout (she cried during it), but she decided it was worth it.

She basically took every chance she could to hurt him. If she was walking by him, she would purposefully step on his fingers. Or hip check him. Or smack him on top of his head.

We tried pretty much everything, and nothing worked. Ultimately she grew out of the behavior after about 8 months.

Re: How to parent more predictably (2018)

#137

Post by allcentury »

Scarblac wrote: post #81
lazyant wrote: post #72

A pattern that I see a lot in parks etc is parents wanting to leave and telling the little kids "5 more minutes!" then after 5 minutes "just one more minute!" or whatever. Pro-tip: kids are not aware of what 5 minutes looks like, make it a specific number of activities: "going down the slide 10 times more", you can count together and it looks initially like a large number. Not a magic wand but works way better than t…

Also in general the trick "I will count to three, and when I say 'three' you will have put that down and stand here. One..." is a far more successful method than it has any right to. I count to 10 for getting them dressed. The trick is to always let them be successful at reaching the goal, slow down as much as needed, say "two and half, two and three quarters......", they should never find out that I have absolutely…

I just started doing this last week, it has saved us from so many breakdowns.

Re: How to parent more predictably (2018)

#138

Post by docker_up »

alexandercrohde wrote: post #41

I used to spend time and energy collecting thoughts on how I could be a great parent. Then one day my aunt told me she was mad at her father for being "too logical" when raising her because it gave her unrealistic expectations. Then I started to question everything... If a parent never misbehaved is a kid going to be thrown for a loop when they meet emotional teachers? Did my own fathers weaknesses force me to develo…

There is a funny Simpsons scene where Marge and Homer don't fight in front of Lisa and Bart. Instead they go into the car and argue/fight, because they thought that fighting in front of the kids would be bad.

Instead of protecting them from it, the kids started to freak out whenever the parents went to the car.

The moral is: you can't protect your kids from anything, and overthinking it rarely works. There is no such thing as perfect parenting where you protect your kid from all problems. Just do your best and things will work out.

Re: How to parent more predictably (2018)

#140

Post by cm2012 »

There's a pretty large body of twin study evidence that says as long as you don't abuse your kids, your parenting styles don't matter to their long term personality (or outcomes, when you adjust for parental income)

One such study here: https://www.tandfonline.com/doi/abs/10.1080/0741882070186459...

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