Hacker News Board Hacker News, browsed like a classic message board
Live data from Hacker News

How to parent more predictably (2018)

jefftk.com

Post reply on HN
Print view View original

81–90 of 258 posts

Re: How to parent more predictably (2018)

#81

Post by Scarblac »

lazyant wrote: post #72

A pattern that I see a lot in parks etc is parents wanting to leave and telling the little kids "5 more minutes!" then after 5 minutes "just one more minute!" or whatever. Pro-tip: kids are not aware of what 5 minutes looks like, make it a specific number of activities: "going down the slide 10 times more", you can count together and it looks initially like a large number. Not a magic wand but works way better than t…

Also in general the trick "I will count to three, and when I say 'three' you will have put that down and stand here. One..." is a far more successful method than it has any right to. I count to 10 for getting them dressed.

The trick is to always let them be successful at reaching the goal, slow down as much as needed, say "two and half, two and three quarters......", they should never find out that I have absolutely nothing planned for the case when it finally fails.

Re: How to parent more predictably (2018)

#83

Post by leokennis »

The author rightfully states that being rich(er) helps in being more predictable. Likewise, to be good at parenting it also helps a lot to have “nice kids”. That’s why I take a lot of advice with a big grain of salt.

My 4 year old is a really soft, sweet and sensitive boy. Just saying something like “it would be great if you cleaned up that mess of Duplo!” results in him immediately doing it. So is my tip to get kids to clean up “just suggest they do it?” No, because it will probably not work on most other kids who are more stubborn and less sensitive to maintaining a positive atmosphere.

Re: How to parent more predictably (2018)

#84

Post by beat »

Raising twins pushed me way over to the nature side of nature vs nurture. What works well for one child may be entirely counterproductive for another.

That said, one thing this article really gets right is the importance of not letting your emotions control your mouth and making threats/promises that you can't/won't keep. I also think it's very important that when you screw up while parenting (and you will screw up), that you be sure to take responsibility and apologize to your children. I think a lot of parents think apologizing will make them look weak or diminish their authority, when it's really the opposite.

Re: How to parent more predictably (2018)

#85

Post by JshWright »

mruts wrote: post #77
totalrobe wrote: post #66

Earlier quoted context omitted.

>* Timeouts rarely work. This is entirely opposite of my experience. We do timeouts for harmful things (like hitting newborn baby brother, running into the street) or if he is having a tantrum and isn't cooling down. We didn't try timeouts until we read https://www.amazon.com/Happiest-Toddler-Block-Cooperative-Fo... , but we do use them now and they seem to be one of the few things that have a lasting effect on my to…

I don’t have kids but when I get really angry and step away from the situation I often get into a loop and my emotions spin out of control. Say I’m really angry at my wife. If she leaves me alone after an argument I might go crazy for hours, throwing things at the wall, and cursing for a long time. It’s like my brain gets into an infinite loop and without new stimulus, I am just stuck there. What works better is if s…

With my kids they are always allowed to "get some space" if they want to, but we never force isolation on them (we may suggest it, and often that suggestion is accepted, but it's clear that we're available to talk if they want to).

Re: How to parent more predictably (2018)

#87

Post by ubertakter »

bartimus wrote: post #57
zubspace wrote: post #9

There are a few things which helped me get better at parenting: * Timeouts rarely work. Try to respond with something which makes sense. Like if your kid throws around things, they need to clean up (with your help). * If things get out of hand, I stay with or hold my kid until the situation gets better and then discuss/explain the current situation and how we will act next time. * It's always good to figure out how y…

Also: * Better to maintain a "allowed list" VS an "off-limits list" when setting boundaries. 1) The latter is simply not doable and everything you missed legitimately becomes allowed. 2) When in doubt your kid can come to you and ask if something is on the allowed list (something that doesn't make sense with an off-limits list). * Try not to say "no!". Approach things positively. Better to ask "What are seats made fo…

With my daughter, if I have to say "no" or "not now" I always try to provide an explanation, which ranges from "we don't have time now because we have to get to" to "I think that's too dangerous ". I've done that every since she could speak. She's 10 years old now and I still do it. That being said, I don't often tell her "no". If she wants to do something that involves risk of injury (or something similar, like making a huge mess), I walk her through what she wants to do and get her to see where she needs to be proactive. She doesn't always listen.

For example (when she was younger), I have a four-wheeled cart for moving things which she wanted to ride in the driveway. I pointed out that she definitely would fall off and land on the concrete at some point, which made her understand she needed to wear protective gear (knee/elbow pads, wrist guards, and a helmet... basically skating/skateboarding gear). Of course, one time I came home from work and my wife told me my daughter needed to tell me something. That something was that she rode the cart without the gear and fell off and injured her hands and her chin by falling face first into the concrete (luckily it was only a minor injury). I don't think she ever tried to ride the cart again, though I wasn't opposed to it (with the proper gear of course).

This is just an anecdote to sort of "illustrate the process" I suppose. I hope it is at least moderately useful. And this makes it sound easy, which it is definitely not. It's tough, but so far it seems to have worked well.

Re: How to parent more predictably (2018)

#88

Post by JshWright »

lazyant wrote: post #72

A pattern that I see a lot in parks etc is parents wanting to leave and telling the little kids "5 more minutes!" then after 5 minutes "just one more minute!" or whatever. Pro-tip: kids are not aware of what 5 minutes looks like, make it a specific number of activities: "going down the slide 10 times more", you can count together and it looks initially like a large number. Not a magic wand but works way better than t…

We generally use the 5/1 minute warnings, then when it's time to go use the (Daniel Tiger) "pick one more thing to do" approach.

Re: How to parent more predictably (2018)

#89

Post by asark »

vianneychevalie wrote: post #76
asark wrote: post #55

Earlier quoted context omitted.

With three kids (or even two!), any advice from someone with one comes off as at least as grating as advice from people with no kids did when I only had one. All the time-consuming "just hang out with them and talk to them like humans! Hug them for ten minutes! Make them complex, healthy dishes for every meal! I do it and it all works so well! I mean I also have a night nanny and cleaning service but I won't mention…

Being the second in a family of six kids, I would never imagine my parents getting on a horse half as high as the one you're towering from.

I recommend it, view's great.

Re: How to parent more predictably (2018)

#90

Post by brewdad »

lazyant wrote: post #72

A pattern that I see a lot in parks etc is parents wanting to leave and telling the little kids "5 more minutes!" then after 5 minutes "just one more minute!" or whatever. Pro-tip: kids are not aware of what 5 minutes looks like, make it a specific number of activities: "going down the slide 10 times more", you can count together and it looks initially like a large number. Not a magic wand but works way better than t…

This works the other way too though. I've seen some parents use the 5 minutes warning and then pack the kids up after only 2 or 3 minutes. The kids don't know the difference and it allows the "warning" to be consistent even when the timing can't be for whatever reason.

And yes, 10 more times down the slide can easily turn into 9 times in a row and holding on to that 10th time for as long as possible.

Post reply on HN