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People Like You More Than You Know

blogs.scientificamerican.com

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Re: People Like You More Than You Know

#191

Post by quacked »

funkaster wrote: post #176
maroonblazer wrote: post #102

Earlier quoted context omitted.

Yep, and it's completely natural for a guy to think a woman might be expressing interest in him given those circumstances. But the emphasis is on "might". He should also indulge a bit of skepticism and feel the situation out. I was in this position a few years ago and interpreted her complements as a romantic interest in me. I explored the situation by asking her out to lunch, inquiring as to whether she was dating,…

> Yep, and it's completely natural for a guy to think a woman might be expressing interest in him given those circumstances. But the emphasis is on "might". He should also indulge a bit of skepticism and feel the situation out. wat? maybe I'm really off here. but someone telling me I have nice eyes, or look fit, or she likes my outfit, I really would not interpret that as hitting on. Do you only make compliments to w…

No, but the problem is that compliments from women are a very common way for them to indicate interest- so you have a set of "compliments from women", of which a subset is "compliments from women that are actually them hinting they're into you", and you need to have a lot of experience and be sensitive to subtle cues to tell which is which.

Re: People Like You More Than You Know

#192

Post by tvanantwerp »

thanatropism wrote: post #20

I saw a reference to this (not sure if the same article) idea about a week ago and started talking to people at work as if they want to like me if they can find a way to. I've been since feeling less alienated from the broader staff (outside our five-person technical team). I didn't have any reason to believe it, but thought it was a fun meme and the placebo effect might be pleasing. What, maybe I've begun going out…

If I remember How to Make Friends and Influence People, it was more about showing people that you care about them. Not so much pleasing as showing interest and empathy.

Re: People Like You More Than You Know

#193

Post by mywittyname »

madaxe_again wrote: post #116
andrew_ wrote: post #89

This is true of open source contribution as well. A few moons ago, I (relatively) quietly stepped away from a rather large open source project that I had contributed a fair amount of impactful projects to. There was no fan-fair made about my departure from any party, including myself. As time passes and people find out, they've reached out to say how much they appreciated what I had done - much more so than when I wa…

Yeah, I left my business of a decade a few years ago as my health had gone to hell and I couldn’t continue - nobody, no colleagues, no clients, not even my co-founder, said goodbye, never mind anything else. Nobody cared that I ended up in hospital repeatedly, mortally unwell. If I bump into them in the street they don’t even recognise me - and we worked together for over a decade in some cases. Confirmation that you…

I sounds counter-intuitive, but it must be satisfying because you move from worrying/wondering to knowing. Not unlike finding out your partner has had an affair. Obviously that's a terrible thing to discover, but finally knowing allows you to start the process of healing.

Re: People Like You More Than You Know

#194

Post by ghostbrainalpha »

toxik wrote: post #133
toomanybeersies wrote: post #84

It's one thing to know this, but another to actually feel it. For a variety of reasons, I get quite bad paranoia sometimes that nobody actually likes me. I feel like at best they tolerate me, and at worst are using me. It's a really shitty feeling to feel. It's caused me to drift away from a lot of friendships because I think "they don't really like me", and then months or years later, I run into them and they ask me…

I get that feeling and I think it may be true sometimes. I had this especially with my childhood friends when we grew older, I felt like somehow I didn’t really count unless I had something to bring them. So I left for greener pastures. Worked great for me, I’d rather be alone than pretend to be liked.

If you don't like yourself, and you assume that others would be rational in not liking you as well, it is very easy to project those feelings onto them.

I would also rather be alone than have pretend relationships. But make sure you really know what is happening. Because projecting your self hate is a much more common problem than being surrounded by actors.

In fact if you already know that you dislike your self, it is almost certainly what is going on.

Re: People Like You More Than You Know

#195

Post by chrshawkes »

sureaboutthis wrote: post #23

These are true stories. I don't wish to come across as bragging. The last day of a job I had for seven years, the director of engineering told me I was the best engineer he ever knew. And he worked for some pretty well known engineering firms. If he had told me that before, I might not have left. A woman came into my office--someone who didn't seem to want to give me the time of day--and the conversation got around t…

The lesson here I think should be to not make assumptions about what others think of you. In your case, you assumed these girls were not interested in you but you say they should have told you, maybe you should have told them and it would have been even better?

Re: People Like You More Than You Know

#196

Post by chrshawkes »

toxik wrote: post #130
grecht wrote: post #128

Earlier quoted context omitted.

That's exactly what I thought. What's the harm in just telling them? He makes it sound like it was completely out of his control.

I think there are pretty obvious difficulties with telling coworkers you’ve a crush on them.

Not really, direct communication, eye contact etc... If one cannot do that, facebook friend them and try to tell them that way. The worst they say is they are not interested.

It's a numbers game.

Re: People Like You More Than You Know

#197

Post by chrshawkes »

sharkweek wrote: post #12

I'm sure this is true. Another thing I'm sure of is how little time most people spend thinking about other people. Even the people in my life I don't care for, I rarely spend more than a passing moment thinking about them, even if they're in the same room. The ones I do think about a lot are the ones I love (wife, children, closest friends). Despite knowing this, though, I'll admit that I can spend a lot of time thin…

I think we can only genuinely care for 20 or 30 people tops. Like as in really really care.

Re: People Like You More Than You Know

#198

Post by chrshawkes »

InitialLastName wrote: post #9
finaliteration wrote: post #4

It takes me about 3-4 months of being around someone regularly before I’m convinced that they aren’t constantly annoyed by me and everything that I say. I hide it pretty well. Sartre was on to something with his comments about “the gaze of the Other”.

That's funny. It takes me about 3-4 months of being around someone regularly before I'm not constantly annoyed by them and everything that they say. I hide it pretty well. I've had to learn the difficult way that my first impression of people is usually not an impression they deserve.

I honestly suffer the same thing. I think deep down, it is a character flaw for sure. Something egotistical and asshole-ish.

Re: People Like You More Than You Know

#199

Post by therealdrag0 »

Source research: https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pubmed/30183512

"The Liking Gap in Conversations: Do People Like Us More Than We Think?"

Abstract:

Having conversations with new people is an important and rewarding part of social life. Yet conversations can also be intimidating and anxiety provoking, and this makes people wonder and worry about what their conversation partners really think of them. Are people accurate in their estimates? We found that following interactions, people systematically underestimated how much their conversation partners liked them and enjoyed their company, an illusion we call the liking gap. We observed the liking gap as strangers got acquainted in the laboratory, as first-year college students got to know their dorm mates, and as formerly unacquainted members of the general public got to know each other during a personal development workshop. The liking gap persisted in conversations of varying lengths and even lasted for several months, as college dorm mates developed new relationships. Our studies suggest that after people have conversations, they are liked more than they know.

Re: People Like You More Than You Know

#200

Post by ianai »

foobiekr wrote: post #172
ianai wrote: post #58

Earlier quoted context omitted.

People also readily undervalue things that come to them easily - relationships, friendships, money, power, etc. I work at a multi billion dollar facility that is routinely taken for granted by workers. “Oh it’s just this place” sort of thing. I’ve known men and women to undervalue relationships that came to them easily. That exact concept was on display in Hemingway’s The Sun Also Rises. I think the “struggle” really…

The sad thing is that one outcome of the undervaluation of things that come easy is that mentoring/guiding people can seriously, seriously backfire. I have a very long story from a peer's experiences about how taking mentoring a little far and becoming an advocate for a young engineer can create someone who is both entitled and incredibly lazy in a way that, I think, permanently damaged his career by training him exa…

That seems entirely likely. My favorite math professor comes to mind. I think he weighted the difficulty levels of homework and tests correctly. Basically the homework prepared you for more than the tests and the homework was explained well in class. So you’d for sure have questions on the test that you knew how to do if you kept up with the homework. That may sound like a lot of classes, but he achieved a balance between homework and tests that made it more likely to score well on the test than usual.
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