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People Like You More Than You Know

blogs.scientificamerican.com

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Re: People Like You More Than You Know

#11

Post by munchbunny »

noobiemcfoob wrote: post #2

Yeah, but none of that helps with me not liking them

If you listed and categorized the people you dislike, what would the breakdown look like?

I personally found as I got older (not implying that you're young, just that I changed over time) that many people I previously disliked were now just people I felt neutral about. More specifically, I thought they were well intentioned but flawed as all humans are, and their flaws just happen to be the ones that bug me but not others.

The people I actually dislike is now a much smaller group, and they almost all fall into three categories:

1. People who lack personal integrity

2. People who act smarter/more qualified than they are and hurt people as a result

3. People who consistently take things the wrong way. In the context of race and gender stuff, this is a hard line to draw, but in my experience the egregious cases of taking things the wrong way are rare and fairly obvious. I don't mind well intentioned people in the gray area.

All three categories are just frustrating or tiring to be friends with or to work with, and they drag everyone else down with them.

Re: People Like You More Than You Know

#12

Post by sharkweek »

I'm sure this is true.

Another thing I'm sure of is how little time most people spend thinking about other people. Even the people in my life I don't care for, I rarely spend more than a passing moment thinking about them, even if they're in the same room.

The ones I do think about a lot are the ones I love (wife, children, closest friends).

Despite knowing this, though, I'll admit that I can spend a lot of time thinking about That One Dumb Thing I Said at Dinner Around My Friends - again, though, I'm 99% sure most people don't remember the dumb or embarrassing things others say or do.

Re: People Like You More Than You Know

#13

Post by artpepper2 »

munchbunny wrote: post #11
noobiemcfoob wrote: post #2

Yeah, but none of that helps with me not liking them

If you listed and categorized the people you dislike, what would the breakdown look like? I personally found as I got older (not implying that you're young, just that I changed over time) that many people I previously disliked were now just people I felt neutral about. More specifically, I thought they were well intentioned but flawed as all humans are, and their flaws just happen to be the ones that bug me but not o…

As I get older, there are fewer people I actively dislike, but I also have less patience to spend on people I don't actively like.

Re: People Like You More Than You Know

#14

Post by [deleted] »

InitialLastName wrote: post #9
finaliteration wrote: post #4

It takes me about 3-4 months of being around someone regularly before I’m convinced that they aren’t constantly annoyed by me and everything that I say. I hide it pretty well. Sartre was on to something with his comments about “the gaze of the Other”.

That's funny. It takes me about 3-4 months of being around someone regularly before I'm not constantly annoyed by them and everything that they say. I hide it pretty well. I've had to learn the difficult way that my first impression of people is usually not an impression they deserve.

[deleted]

Re: People Like You More Than You Know

#16

Post by TimJYoung »

sharkweek wrote: post #12

I'm sure this is true. Another thing I'm sure of is how little time most people spend thinking about other people. Even the people in my life I don't care for, I rarely spend more than a passing moment thinking about them, even if they're in the same room. The ones I do think about a lot are the ones I love (wife, children, closest friends). Despite knowing this, though, I'll admit that I can spend a lot of time thin…

This is such a great insight, and is one that I came across later in life. Once you realize how little friends/acquaintances care about the minute details of your life, it is very, very freeing.

Re: People Like You More Than You Know

#17

Post by oatsandsugar »

sharkweek wrote: post #12

I'm sure this is true. Another thing I'm sure of is how little time most people spend thinking about other people. Even the people in my life I don't care for, I rarely spend more than a passing moment thinking about them, even if they're in the same room. The ones I do think about a lot are the ones I love (wife, children, closest friends). Despite knowing this, though, I'll admit that I can spend a lot of time thin…

This reminds me of a fortune cookie I once had, that I first thought was aggressive, and then I found liberating:

"You'd care less about what people think about you if you realized how little they do"

Re: People Like You More Than You Know

#18

Post by mostlysilent »

finaliteration wrote: post #4

It takes me about 3-4 months of being around someone regularly before I’m convinced that they aren’t constantly annoyed by me and everything that I say. I hide it pretty well. Sartre was on to something with his comments about “the gaze of the Other”.

It takes me about 3-4 months of being around someone regularly before I'm able to hold a conversation that's more than direct answers to direct questions. It's impossible to hide pretty well, or at all really.

Everyone I've ever known says something like "you don't talk much, do you" or something equally obvious. I used to wonder if people ask others the obvious "you're fat, aren't you" etc. I've learnt that few people like a strange, mostly silent creature being around long. It's very rare that I'm around anyone long enough for me to get past it and actually make a friend.

I read articles that open with "all it takes is a little conversation". Gee thanks. That's the hardest thing I know, and getting harder the further into being an adult I get.

Re: People Like You More Than You Know

#19

Post by erikpukinskis »

artpepper2 wrote: post #13
munchbunny wrote: post #11

Earlier quoted context omitted.

If you listed and categorized the people you dislike, what would the breakdown look like? I personally found as I got older (not implying that you're young, just that I changed over time) that many people I previously disliked were now just people I felt neutral about. More specifically, I thought they were well intentioned but flawed as all humans are, and their flaws just happen to be the ones that bug me but not o…

As I get older, there are fewer people I actively dislike , but I also have less patience to spend on people I don't actively like .

... which can lead to actually liking fewer people, because to meet new people you really like you generally need to spend time with people you only tolerate. The network effects work better with more overall socializing, and in my experience you can’t even hit the maintenance threshold (let alone the growth threshold) by only spending time with those you really favor.

Re: People Like You More Than You Know

#20

Post by thanatropism »

I saw a reference to this (not sure if the same article) idea about a week ago and started talking to people at work as if they want to like me if they can find a way to. I've been since feeling less alienated from the broader staff (outside our five-person technical team).

I didn't have any reason to believe it, but thought it was a fun meme and the placebo effect might be pleasing. What, maybe I've begun going out of my way to charm people by believing this is what they want.

I should reread "How to make friends and influence people" -- I remember it being a repetitive litany of "try to please people". But maybe this is the whole point -- people want to like you, but they may need some help.

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