Anyone got a link to the paper referenced? I followed the link in the article but got hit with a login wall.
From the website of the lead author: http://www.ericaboothby.com/s/The-Liking-Gap.pdf
Thank you
People Like You More Than You Know
171–180 of 220 posts
Re: People Like You More Than You Know
#172Earlier quoted context omitted.
This is why you shouldn't be afraid to give out (truthful) compliments folks I've been seriously and repeatedly burned for doing that. I then spent years dialing it back. I'm 53 and only just now working on figuring out how to do that again without letting it turn into some shit show where everyone treats me like I'm their bitch. Every single guy I have ever gushed at about how keen he is has, without fail, promptly…
People also readily undervalue things that come to them easily - relationships, friendships, money, power, etc. I work at a multi billion dollar facility that is routinely taken for granted by workers. “Oh it’s just this place” sort of thing. I’ve known men and women to undervalue relationships that came to them easily. That exact concept was on display in Hemingway’s The Sun Also Rises. I think the “struggle” really…
The sad thing is that one outcome of the undervaluation of things that come easy is that mentoring/guiding people can seriously, seriously backfire.
I have a very long story from a peer's experiences about how taking mentoring a little far and becoming an advocate for a young engineer can create someone who is both entitled and incredibly lazy in a way that, I think, permanently damaged his career by training him exactly the wrong lessons about value and effort at exactly the wrong time.
Re: People Like You More Than You Know
#173Earlier quoted context omitted.
This is why you shouldn't be afraid to give out (truthful) compliments folks. For a small communication effort, you may make a big enough impact for your compliment to be remembered for years. Maybe the person will even smile to themselves and write a nice HN comment about it! (or not quit your company)...
This is why you shouldn't be afraid to give out (truthful) compliments folks I've been seriously and repeatedly burned for doing that. I then spent years dialing it back. I'm 53 and only just now working on figuring out how to do that again without letting it turn into some shit show where everyone treats me like I'm their bitch. Every single guy I have ever gushed at about how keen he is has, without fail, promptly…
That's a very good point. And prob the main reason why so many people hold those thoughts: the implications are very much unkown and the risk is very high. Generally, people don't like to take risks.
I don't think you're doing it wrong, maybe just a bit unlucky but I can see for sure that happening.
Re: People Like You More Than You Know
#174[dead]
Re: People Like You More Than You Know
#175Earlier quoted context omitted.
This is why you shouldn't be afraid to give out (truthful) compliments folks I've been seriously and repeatedly burned for doing that. I then spent years dialing it back. I'm 53 and only just now working on figuring out how to do that again without letting it turn into some shit show where everyone treats me like I'm their bitch. Every single guy I have ever gushed at about how keen he is has, without fail, promptly…
> Every single guy I have ever gushed at about how keen he is has, without fail, promptly turned into a psycho asshole monster and made me wish I never met him. I have seen / heard of many guys getting complimented over the years (including myself a few times), and never heard of one of them turning into a “psycho”, “asshole”, or ”monster”. A couple times I saw a guy get complimented out of the blue and then kind of…
Maybe for women, a likely outcome is that men think they might have a chance to bed her.
Re: People Like You More Than You Know
#176Earlier quoted context omitted.
> Maybe I'm just doing it wrong. No, you're just falling foul of a dynamic that preexists you. Women giving men compliments is, for the most part, interpreted as a come-on. It's not fair, and it hinders the frank communication between men and women that makes really healthy social environments such a joy to operate in, but it's the case more often than not.
Yep, and it's completely natural for a guy to think a woman might be expressing interest in him given those circumstances. But the emphasis is on "might". He should also indulge a bit of skepticism and feel the situation out. I was in this position a few years ago and interpreted her complements as a romantic interest in me. I explored the situation by asking her out to lunch, inquiring as to whether she was dating,…
> Yep, and it's completely natural for a guy to think a woman might be expressing interest in him given those circumstances. But the emphasis is on "might". He should also indulge a bit of skepticism and feel the situation out.
wat? maybe I'm really off here. but someone telling me I have nice eyes, or look fit, or she likes my outfit, I really would not interpret that as hitting on. Do you only make compliments to women when you're sexually/romantically attracted to them? (I'm genuinely curious). I personally do not, and I would be very upset if those comments were interpreted as trying to hit on someone.
Re: People Like You More Than You Know
#177Earlier quoted context omitted.
> Every single guy I have ever gushed at about how keen he is has, without fail, promptly turned into a psycho asshole monster and made me wish I never met him. I have seen / heard of many guys getting complimented over the years (including myself a few times), and never heard of one of them turning into a “psycho”, “asshole”, or ”monster”. A couple times I saw a guy get complimented out of the blue and then kind of…
I don't want to get into a lot of details, but I will give one example. I had an affair in my twenties with a man whose life could have been absolutely ruined because of it. He wasn't especially good looking, but he had beautiful blue eyes and I had a thing for blue eyes and told him how much I liked his blue eyes. We were not sleeping together at the time and it wasn't an unreasonable thing to say, given circumstanc…
You had an affair and you still feel you can judge this guy. Whether that means you cheated on a contemporary partner, or simply that you enabled him to cheat on his "alcoholic wife," you objectively did something immoral, yet you feel no remorse, just rationalized butthurt that he didn't pick you.
> He wasn't especially good looking, but he had beautiful blue eyes and I had a thing for blue eyes and told him how much I liked his blue eyes.
These statements would set up massive, bar-you-from-the-industry-forever red flags on any man that dared express them.
Re: People Like You More Than You Know
#178Earlier quoted context omitted.
Yep, and it's completely natural for a guy to think a woman might be expressing interest in him given those circumstances. But the emphasis is on "might". He should also indulge a bit of skepticism and feel the situation out. I was in this position a few years ago and interpreted her complements as a romantic interest in me. I explored the situation by asking her out to lunch, inquiring as to whether she was dating,…
> Yep, and it's completely natural for a guy to think a woman might be expressing interest in him given those circumstances. But the emphasis is on "might". He should also indulge a bit of skepticism and feel the situation out. wat? maybe I'm really off here. but someone telling me I have nice eyes, or look fit, or she likes my outfit, I really would not interpret that as hitting on. Do you only make compliments to w…
No, I don't restrict my compliments to only those I'm interested in romantically. Nor do I restrict them to just women. I also don't interpret every compliment I receive as a romantic advance.
Re: People Like You More Than You Know
#179This reminds me of the saying, "We're not who we think we are. Nor are we what others think we are. Rather, we are who we think others think we are."
The quote is also further up the thread and I'm repeating my comment, but how do you interpret the last line of the quote. The first line is how I see myself, the second how you see me, then from who's perspective is the last line?
yours: a bit of your paranoia, a bit of your misunderstanding about others, and a bit of what you actually got right.
just work on minimizing the first two
Re: People Like You More Than You Know
#180Earlier quoted context omitted.
> A couple times I have seen men brush off / refuse compliments it looked like because they wanted to seem modest You make that sound like it's some kind of deliberate manipulation or something, some of us were just brought up with the idea that doing helpful things for people is expected and not really that big a deal, and it makes us uncomfortable when people make a big deal of it.
It's also actually socially very problematic to have praise heaped on you publicly. It makes other people jealous and causes lots of backlash. The single most effective thing I have found for reducing forum drama is to mostly ignore any compliments. Saying "Thank you" is inevitably followed by multiple people feeling compelled to openly and publicly hate on me.
[deleted]