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Habits of Highly Miserable People

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Re: Habits of Highly Miserable People

#311

Post by ScottBurson »

DoreenMichele wrote: post #301
jtmb wrote: post #300

Earlier quoted context omitted.

How would you recommend expressing support, not minimizing these experiences while also not assuming victimization?

Some years ago, an internet friend of mine asked me for advice concerning an appropriate Christmas present for a woman he and his wife were helping while she left an abusive marriage. I tried to delicately hint that her husband had to also be raping her, given the description I was hearing. I failed to be subtle and he did an internet search and verified that what I was saying was true: she had all the markings of a…

This is really good stuff, and I didn't find it "rambly" at all. Do you blog? This would make a great blog post, just as it is.

Re: Habits of Highly Miserable People

#312

Post by ScottBurson »

snarfy wrote: post #266
RIMR wrote: post #111

Earlier quoted context omitted.

I know this is a bit of a controversial opinion, but I always felt that society's reaction to sexual assault give victims a reason to feel even worse about their situation. Not to say that it isn't a severely traumatic thing to experience - it absolutely is. But, we regularly treat virginity as some sort of virtuous status - and then speak of rape victims who lost their virginity to their attacker as if they were str…

As a male, people told me I'm a liar and that it's not possible to be raped by a female. I don't bother bringing it up anymore.

You might ask them this: if a woman has an orgasm while being raped — which happens! — does that mean it wasn't really rape?

The body has its own responses which are not always aligned with the wishes of its owner.

Re: Habits of Highly Miserable People

#313

Post by [deleted] »

ScottBurson wrote: post #311
DoreenMichele wrote: post #301

Earlier quoted context omitted.

Some years ago, an internet friend of mine asked me for advice concerning an appropriate Christmas present for a woman he and his wife were helping while she left an abusive marriage. I tried to delicately hint that her husband had to also be raping her, given the description I was hearing. I failed to be subtle and he did an internet search and verified that what I was saying was true: she had all the markings of a…

This is really good stuff, and I didn't find it "rambly" at all. Do you blog? This would make a great blog post, just as it is.

[deleted]

Re: Habits of Highly Miserable People

#314

Post by mleonhard »

Tade0 wrote: post #37

> 5. Attribute bad intentions. Me and my SO have serendipitously discovered a great way to defuse arguments: it's the question "Are you accusing me of foulness?" (any sufficiently Victorian synonym works here) For some reason most people reflexively deny this in reply and realise that they've been attributing bad intentions groundlessly. Unfortunately this doesn't work on people who have a mindset which requires ther…

One of the main techniques taught in Marshall Rosenberg's Nonviolent Communication book https://www.amazon.com/dp/189200528X is how to discover each other's intentions and share your own intentions and needs. The techniques I learned from this book helped my relationships immensely. The audio book is also excellent https://www.amazon.com/dp/B00TKMBJKE .

Re: Habits of Highly Miserable People

#315

Post by yousuretalkalot »

Gaahguhgh. (Yes that's a sound.) As I'm going down the list I'm just "haha right!... fools... wait...

...fuck."

My feelz just got domerocked. A few of these (and by a few I mean at least half) I can easily say I've either done before - in one way or another - or I still engage in regularly. And obviously, I'm miserable! And good god. I have been really blind lately... The habit about therapy: "...and if there's still that one person who loves you so much that they're clinging to some hope of a counselor helping you..." ah jeeeez, Last night the love of my life and father of my child said I'm pushing him away, that I push everyone away; and last week while I was crying to my mother about how stressed I was over my finals, my mom mentioned finding a therapist for me to talk to. I felt immediately resistant, and it upset me and I was probably rude to her... as far as my dude, I asked him how I push people away, saying "I want to know what it is that I do so that I can stop doing it," and he says "well you freak out all the time," and WHAM! here comes the emotion. "What do you mean freak out? Because I have panic attacks? Because I don't know how to handle my emotions?! Well maybe if people loved me more I wouldn't feel so anxious!" - the worst part is I really believe myself sometimes. Holy fuck I don't want to be this person.

I've been an active blogger before and written about my "depression," my "anxiety" - I've been going through these weird emotional spats since I was maybe 4 or 5, and I guess I just never got over them? (side note: this is where the maternal blame comes in) - and I would say a lot of the things that are sounding so ridiculous in this moment. "My mom wasn't good to her kids, my mom's mom wasn't good to hers - it's just in my blood. Therefore it's my mothers fault that I'm an alcoholic." WTF? Seriously. What the fuck is wrong with me? People have mentioned at various times throughout my life that I'm addicted to sadness. And I thought, yeah it's true, in an "I'm an artist living in Seattle, I play acoustic guitar, only wear black, and hate it when movies have happy endings" kinda way. I could identify with that hipster-like and almost-endearing cliche, if we're going that far... I digress.. The fucking point is that I have never genuinely realized that I am a shithead, living my life and trying to do something with it but "somehow everything seems to not work out," and "why does this keep happening to me?" Hooo. Lee. FUCK! I've been playing the victim, making unnecessary accusations, then causing a scene when the accused (understandably) wants to get the fuck away from me, and then falling into holes of rage sorrow self-hatred and whatever the fuck else that basically equals MISERY. And I've been telling myself, and anyone else who will listen to me, that I can't help it. And goddamnit I believed it when I said it.

Fucking thank god I read this right now. I really need to turn some shit around. And I know I can. I'm a recovering alcoholic - I've been a shithead for as long as I can remember - so I've spent a lot of time, too much time, talking about self-improvement. And I've made progress before; I've been happy. But this regression I've slipped into has gotten way outta control, and I am actually grateful for the first time in a while that I randomly clicked on this thread. Alright I'm gonna stop now. I bookmarked the article and I'm making a commitment to myself right now to think about this when my emotions start to run wild. I'm changing my attitude right now, and I am gonna go kiss that wonderful man on the head... the one who I've been treating like shit and pushing away for months ...and start to act in love again.

Maybe I'll report back later.

Re: Habits of Highly Miserable People

#317

Post by valdezm »

foxhill wrote: post #71

having been, for want of a better term, ‘highly miserable’ in the past, the entirety of this article comes across as insidiously toxic and detrimental to the mental well-being of those who are suffering. there is a.. loosely similar CGP Grey video, which approaches the matter in a much more rational context [1] for anyone suffering, i emplore you to not read this and watch this instead; [1] - https://youtube.com/watc…

Yeah, I am disgusted in reading this, really sickens me. I have reached out to the author that I might be able to help her. This article really makes me want to create a counter-article, "The 14 True Identities of Joyful People"(I've exchanged Habits for True Identities, because it is an inherent worth that we all have and when known transforms us to choose Joy, this not being of works as is the case with habits).. Anyways, I suspect I may just write that article.

Re: Habits of Highly Miserable People

#318

Post by SZJX »

foxhill wrote: post #71

having been, for want of a better term, ‘highly miserable’ in the past, the entirety of this article comes across as insidiously toxic and detrimental to the mental well-being of those who are suffering. there is a.. loosely similar CGP Grey video, which approaches the matter in a much more rational context [1] for anyone suffering, i emplore you to not read this and watch this instead; [1] - https://youtube.com/watc…

At least this can point out some of the cognitive traps that they might not be aware of. Also this might help people around them recognize their problems and then try to find them help. When the awareness of depression is still not high enough in the population, many of the problems can be hard to properly understand, describe and classify.

At least I would say I can recognize some patterns both in my past self and also in several people I am familiar with much clearer after reading it. I don't think the author in any way wanted them to get "pilloried" and "feel bad". That's definitely not the intention.

Re: Habits of Highly Miserable People

#319

Post by SZJX »

zerostar07 wrote: post #115

Well great advice so i should follow it: If you are a stoic, positive person who doesn't negatively affect the life of others and your own, do not make the mistake to think you have it good. You re just a convenient person, transparent and invisible to everyone because people like drama, they don't like rocks.

Not sure what point you're trying to make here. Some people want drama and arguments which do them and others no good. You are staying out of it. You're achieving your aims, making contributions that you think matter, and living a fulfilling life even though some others might not be so close to you much. What's the big deal? Isn't that exactly the point of stoicism?

Re: Habits of Highly Miserable People

#320

Post by SZJX »

It's a really helpful list pointing out some of the cognitive traps people might not be aware of having/might not understand that somebody around them needs help on. One gripe I have with it is that some stoic traits seem to also have been thrown in here which is a bit off. Being stoic/always be prepared for bad possibilities while working towards the good ones doesn't mean being miserable, pessimistic or depressed. It's just a way to keep on sailing in your life no matter what the conditions are. Also I'm not so sure about "quit your job, clean out your savings account, and move to a state you know nothing about." I guess it's a matter of how this person is exactly treating it: Whether as a new chapter in one's adventure for a life-loving person or just a getaway from one's undesired and perennial boredom then.
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