What to Do When a Loved One Is Severely Depressed • Hacker News Board

Re: What to Do When a Loved One Is Severely Depressed

#71

Post by serpix » Fri, Jun 08, 2018, 8:17 PM UTC

tkxxx7 wrote: post #69

danschumann wrote: post #60

One thing that helped me was seeing depressed thoughts as transient entities, not belonging to me, but just passing through my mind once and a while. It's like a weird dream. If you have a weird dream, you don't think, "oh I'm weird", you think, "that was a weird dream". It's the same with depressed thoughts: if you see them as "oh that's a depressing thought", rather than, "I'm depressing", then it's easier for thos…

This is very important. One of the first steps of recovery is refusing to identify with depressive thoughts.

also the first steps to enlightenment. Applies to all thoughts and emotions.

Re: What to Do When a Loved One Is Severely Depressed

#72

Post by Magmatic » Fri, Jun 08, 2018, 8:18 PM UTC

AnIdiotOnTheNet wrote: post #64

spdustin wrote: post #9

I feel like this should be left here: Everybody you meet has a secret smile, and a secret pain. If your secret pain feels like a weight you can no longer carry, please talk to someone. Anyone. Lay down your burdens, and give your shoulders a rest. If you're in the US, there's the National Suicide Prevention Hotline: 1-800-273-8255 LGBT folks in the US might also consider The Trevor Project Lifeline: 1-866-488-7386 I…

I, for one, can count the number of times that talking to someone has helped my depression on 0 hands. That includes professionals. I don't know how other people who've suffered depression most of their lives feel, but I can't stand this advice. It reeks of being the lowest effort possible by someone who has no understanding whatsoever of what they're talking about and prefers to just parrot something that sounds goo…

I think the best talk I had from a therapist in the early aughts went, "In general, the only things we know that help with depression are: exercise, some sunlight, a little social interaction, and self-care; bathing, brushing your teeth, etc. Medicine can help some but results are inconsistent, talk therapy is rarely helpful."

He spent two years just keeping me accountable on the little day to day things and while it didn't immediately cure my depression my quality of increased dramatically. The idea that something like keeping my room tidy would help with my depression sounded absolutely god damn insane at the time, "I want existence to end and you're telling me to make my bed?" ..but somehow those hundred small things mattered, life's pretty good these days.

God damn brains are dumb.

Re: What to Do When a Loved One Is Severely Depressed

#73

Post by ljm » Fri, Jun 08, 2018, 8:18 PM UTC

Alex3917 wrote: post #34

caio1982 wrote: post #5

"Remember, people do recover from depression" That IMHO seems to be as much of a taboo as having depression itself for a lot of people... it's hard to convince someone that depression is seriously real, and equally hard to convince people [affected by their loving one's] depression is not like terminal cancer.

The research seems to show that most people who don't take SSRIs recover from a bout of depression in about two years. If you take SSRIs then you partially recover after a few weeks, but the underlying problem doesn't resolve. https://smile.amazon.com/Anatomy-Epidemic-Bullets-Psychiatri...

This was true to my experience. The anti-depressants were successful in numbing the pain and they arguably did their job (they kept me going in the absence of the support I really needed). The several years of psychotherapy and development of some very warm and loving friendships that then followed has allowed much deeper change to happen.

The importance of connection and trust, at least from my experience, cannot be stressed enough.

Re: What to Do When a Loved One Is Severely Depressed

#74

Post by viburnum » Fri, Jun 08, 2018, 8:20 PM UTC

Good stuff, but I've learned the hard way that most therapists have no idea what they're doing. If someone is not feeling better after 6-8 sessions, they need to get a new therapist. It's all too easy to get into a codependent relationship with a therapist that only enables the depression or anxiety to persist.

Re: What to Do When a Loved One Is Severely Depressed

#75

Post by mikec3010 » Fri, Jun 08, 2018, 8:21 PM UTC

idbehold wrote: post #50

weego wrote: post #28

Earlier quoted context omitted.

Recovery is just another step in the process. You don't forget what it's like to start to suffocate in the abyss. You don't forget what it's like to know that dying is easier than any other option available to you and that it's a blink of an eye away. It scars you

Occasionally Fugazi's "I'm So Tired" will come on and I am instantly reminded of the worst parts of my depression. It's been years and years since I was that severely depressed, but that feeling can overwhelm me in an instant when I listen to that song. Just remembering the terrible place I was in brings tears to my eyes because I know how close I got to never experiencing all the joy in my life that came afterward.

I had a similar experience when driving by the house I lived in when I was at my worst. It was a dark subtle dread unique to that experience. It made me come to realize just how badly I was and how far I have come

Re: What to Do When a Loved One Is Severely Depressed

#76

Post by resource0x » Fri, Jun 08, 2018, 8:21 PM UTC

One great man's account of dealing with depression (the term hadn't been invented yet at the time of writing, but you will recognize the symptoms) https://www.goodreads.com/book/show/26244.A_Confession Download: http://manybooks.net/titles/tolstoylother08a_confession.html

Re: What to Do When a Loved One Is Severely Depressed

#77

Post by megaman22 » Fri, Jun 08, 2018, 8:22 PM UTC

kyleperik wrote: post #4

Great article, but what is this about? Is this really true? > But remember that interactions with law enforcement can vary wildly, depending on race and socio-economic background.

It's never a good idea to involve law enforcement in anything, if you can avoid it. It's such a wildcard what will end up happening.

Re: What to Do When a Loved One Is Severely Depressed

#78

Post by serpix » Fri, Jun 08, 2018, 8:24 PM UTC

questionsuch wrote: post #3

As much as I know all of these things, the attitude my loved one has has killed the love out of me. Constant negativity, agitation, it's just tiring. I just can't seem to not take it personal, and to have a mindset that it is the disease and not the person. I can't figure out how to start loving the person again.

Four years ago I was at this point. I talked with a number of psychologists and therapists about this. One of them said: "Have you wondered if your anxiety is really because of your relationship". And so began the steps to disengage and end the relationship.

I don't regret it now. I could not and still cannot keep my empathy separate from the suffering of others. The alternative would have been to harden my emotions and become like a rock. My opinion is that depression does transfer and it is contagious. Just as laughter and joy is contagious. I choose my company wisely now and cannot bear to be around negativity anymore, it just catches and makes me numb to everything.

I choose being sad and ecstatic even while they alternate to extreme highs and lows. I refuse to heal anyone anymore.

Re: What to Do When a Loved One Is Severely Depressed

#79

Post by mikec3010 » Fri, Jun 08, 2018, 8:24 PM UTC

brownkonas wrote: post #51

Not sure if this is substantiated or refuted by any clinical research, but through experience I believe depression to be a side effect of the mind being absent any existential threats that would, as an animal, threaten your survival on a daily basis: searching for food, maintaining shelter, guarding yourself or each other from predators. As we become farther and farther away our primal origins, the mind needs to inve…

That's one theory. Another is that our society has so many more intangible responsibilities, obligations, serious decisions, and opportunities for failure (oh and consequences, every single action through out the day brings consequences that our minds are overloaded and constantly anxious.

And research has found that anxiety and depression are tightly linked.

Re: What to Do When a Loved One Is Severely Depressed

#80

Post by oldgeezr » Fri, Jun 08, 2018, 8:26 PM UTC

brownkonas wrote: post #51

Not sure if this is substantiated or refuted by any clinical research, but through experience I believe depression to be a side effect of the mind being absent any existential threats that would, as an animal, threaten your survival on a daily basis: searching for food, maintaining shelter, guarding yourself or each other from predators. As we become farther and farther away our primal origins, the mind needs to inve…

It's an interesting way of looking things. Depression is as complex as the brain which produces it, however. This may be a part of it, but there are many pieces in that puzzle.