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Ask YC: Best ways to become socially adept?

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Re: Ask YC: Best ways to become socially adept?

#81

Post by yters »

mattmaroon wrote: post #79
yters wrote: post #74

Earlier quoted context omitted.

Yeah, this sort of suggestion is motivating. Actions that shatter everyone's mental rut and bring newness to everyone's experience motivate me. I might do what you say, or something similar. The thing that turns me off in interpersonal interaction is the rote manner of interaction that I don't know, and don't want to learn. When people interact as they really are is what interests me. For instance, a teacher challeng…

I'm not entirely sure what you mean by "rote manner of interaction that I don't know, and don't want to learn." If you mean the talking about the weather thing, that's what talking people in bars should teach you to get beyond.

No, it isn't small talk. It's people expecting me to act in a certain way and not liking it when I don't.

Maybe I'm just wanting two conflicting goals. The expected way of acting is natural for most people, but not for me, and I wish I could interact in a way that is natural for me too.

I think I'll give the bar thing a shot. Any types of people I should watch out for?

Re: Ask YC: Best ways to become socially adept?

#82

Post by xlnt »

yters wrote: post #80
xlnt wrote: post #76

Earlier quoted context omitted.

"it's a feature not a bug" what do you imagine would be the great benefits of having more casual social interactions?

I don't really know. I suspect you are right, that it is part of my nature to be this way. But it is hard for me to be convinced, since almost everyone I respect thinks differently and encourages me to be more social.

well, what do they say the benefits would be? ask them to give solid reasons, and explain it until you are convinced! and they ought to have a plan for how you can do it before being sure it's a good thing for you to do.

also they should be open to the possibility that they are mistaken; the conversation ought to be able to go either way.

Re: Ask YC: Best ways to become socially adept?

#83

Post by yters »

xlnt wrote: post #82
yters wrote: post #80

Earlier quoted context omitted.

I don't really know. I suspect you are right, that it is part of my nature to be this way. But it is hard for me to be convinced, since almost everyone I respect thinks differently and encourages me to be more social.

well, what do they say the benefits would be? ask them to give solid reasons, and explain it until you are convinced! and they ought to have a plan for how you can do it before being sure it's a good thing for you to do. also they should be open to the possibility that they are mistaken; the conversation ought to be able to go either way.

The basic point is that I'm narcissistic and need to be brought out of myself. I say I don't really know, because I can't see it myself. But, that's par for the problem of narcissism:P

Re: Ask YC: Best ways to become socially adept?

#84

Post by kj400 »

"...of awkward self consciousness, and feeling ashamed about said self consciousness" "...can't connect at the small talk level. I have an easy time talking with people like xlnt about abstract ideas and philosophy..." "but I strike out with anyone my age"

those express exactly (exactly!) as I feel. Let's see how much more we can relate. Do you also:

-Think that you are quite a weird yet funny individual, and wish you can show that to the people you know, but somehow can't? -Also, you are often feel "closed-out" when another exuberant person comes on scene. Also, you have no problem chatting, emailing, etc. and can express yourself without limitation that way. -Speeches are easy because everyone uniformly has their attention on you, but when you are in a casual group situation and have to vie for attention it gets intimidating (and you will undoubtedly reprimand yourself for later). -You also find it hard to come out and say something once you already start a pattern of not saying anything, as you begin to become over-anxious about people's reaction to your change. ...

this list can go on and on...if you're not looking at this thread anymore, yters, at least i got to spill my guts out which doesn't feel that bad. If you want to continue the list, i'd love to hear other people's situations as well, we can treat it as a fun little game.

Re: Ask YC: Best ways to become socially adept?

#85

Post by xlnt »

yters wrote: post #83
xlnt wrote: post #82

Earlier quoted context omitted.

well, what do they say the benefits would be? ask them to give solid reasons, and explain it until you are convinced! and they ought to have a plan for how you can do it before being sure it's a good thing for you to do. also they should be open to the possibility that they are mistaken; the conversation ought to be able to go either way.

The basic point is that I'm narcissistic and need to be brought out of myself. I say I don't really know, because I can't see it myself. But, that's par for the problem of narcissism:P

that's sure taking the easy way out. "we can't give reasons because you have a sort of mild mental illness that prevents you from listening to any." you could ask them to give you reasons in text that you'll show a third party for evaluation. anyway, so far, i don't quite see why you'd listen to them about this particular issue.

Re: Ask YC: Best ways to become socially adept?

#86

Post by wheeler »

yters wrote: post #83
xlnt wrote: post #82

Earlier quoted context omitted.

well, what do they say the benefits would be? ask them to give solid reasons, and explain it until you are convinced! and they ought to have a plan for how you can do it before being sure it's a good thing for you to do. also they should be open to the possibility that they are mistaken; the conversation ought to be able to go either way.

The basic point is that I'm narcissistic and need to be brought out of myself. I say I don't really know, because I can't see it myself. But, that's par for the problem of narcissism:P

Like Soothsayer said earlier, I recommend you read a book about Myer-Brigg personality types in order to understand why other people behave as they do, why they expect you to behave in the same way, and why it's not your natural inclination to do that. Then you can accept who you are, and understand that you're always going to be acting to some extend when, e.g., engaging in small talk.

A book would be better than an online test because the point should be to learn about all the other personality types, and how they interact, rather than understand your own.

http://www.amazon.com/Please-Understand-Me-Character-Tempera...

Re: Ask YC: Best ways to become socially adept?

#87

Post by elai »

xlnt wrote: post #71
DaniFong wrote: post #51

Learn to genuinely like people.

there are a lot of replies kind of like this. but wouldn't it be better to learn to accurately judge people, and not socialize with people who aren't worthwhile?

Judgmental people are not successful socially. Get off your geek high horse!

Re: Ask YC: Best ways to become socially adept?

#88

Post by xlnt »

elai wrote: post #87
xlnt wrote: post #71

Earlier quoted context omitted.

there are a lot of replies kind of like this. but wouldn't it be better to learn to accurately judge people, and not socialize with people who aren't worthwhile?

Judgmental people are not successful socially. Get off your geek high horse!

Truth before social success? Why would you want social stuff, or anything, that you hadn't judged was a good thing to want?

Re: Ask YC: Best ways to become socially adept?

#89

Post by elai »

wehriam wrote: post #49
jdavid wrote: post #33

I suggest reading the following books, but I also suggest not using their suggestions. These books are merely for awareness. I fee like knowing what was out there, gave me more confidence while I was trying to find my own style. [the Game] - this book is about the secret lives of pickup artists and their quest to find either a Beta or Alpha Gal. This book offers- ZERO advice if you are looking for a Gamma. [The Art o…

I agree with jdavid - books on gender-related issues can be helpful. [The Game] is hysterical. Read the ones for guys and girls. Some others: [How to Succeed with Women] - Sounds cheesy, but goes over the basics that "geeks" often miss, including dressing appropriately, grooming, and polite conversation. [He's Just Not That Into You] - Manual for women on how to tell if a guy doesn't care about them. Useful for learn…

I disagree with self-made man. She confuses eye flirting with 'rude' eye contact, and other misunderstandings that would be unique to lesbians. Of course when the men don't want to flirt with you because they think your a guy, they don't try to keep eye contact with you! Something like self-made man could be counter productive, giving you negative social ideas that could make you even more awkward.
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