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Why is it hard to make friends over 30? (2012)

nytimes.com

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Re: Why is it hard to make friends over 30? (2012)

#671

Post by BrandoElFollito »

JimboOmega wrote: post #668
BrandoElFollito wrote: post #357

Earlier quoted context omitted.

This reminds me of all these obese people who a are obese because of "health issues", to cover their horrific lifestyle. 98% of the cases, probably (I am being generous). Same with the timekeeping : some feel that they are so unique and mentally impaired that keeping time is beyond them. But they just do not give a shit about others. I was 30 kg overweight and had all kind of excuses (including a medical condition).…

It feels like you're ignoring the biological realities behind some mental health conditions. In this case, ADHD. You can't just dismiss deficits in executive function as "not caring". This lecture is a great one on the subject: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wmV8HQUuPEk&t=13s Or less specifically you can read: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Attention_deficit_hyperactivit... The reality is that the circuits in the bra…

If you read my other comments you will notice that I do not ignore the real problem. You seem to be in the minority who actually has a medical condition and being late is probably one of the many impacts and maybe not the worst.

I am arguing with all the special flowers who "just cannot be in time", because this is fashionable, a mark of superiority or basic assholness.

Re: Why is it hard to make friends over 30? (2012)

#672

Post by mmcnl »

tinyhouse wrote: post #14

I think you can make good friends at any age, but you need the right environment for that. When you're young you spend a lot of time with the same people, like in school, which is the environment you need to build a close friendship. When you're older you tend to meet a lot of new people, but you don't have many opportunities to spend a lot of time together. Except at work, which is why many people make close friends…

The base ingredients for making friends seem to be the same as for committing crime: motive and opportunity. Both motive and opportunity decrease as you get older.

Re: Why is it hard to make friends over 30? (2012)

#673

Post by JimboOmega »

maccard wrote: post #428
trts wrote: post #329

Earlier quoted context omitted.

Friends are important in a different way, but one of the qualities they don't often share with flights is that they get you somewhere where it's important you'll be at a specific time and place in pursuit of your material needs or obligations. Or rather you're not expecting something out of them other than their company, which you still get to enjoy later (if you're really friends, and if not, then you're just not).…

If someone is always 30 minutes late and there’s always an excuse that it’s not their fault, the they’re the problem. Everyone has problems. If you tell me “hey I’m running 30 minutes late, because I had to take a shower” the odd time (in advance) that’s totally fine. But to leave me sitting on my own (when I could have plans with someone else later, or could have stopped whatever I was doing before to be on time to…

My friends (one in particular) and I basically don't make plans where one person is going to be sitting around on their own.

For instance, we plan to meet up at somebody's house first (they obviously are going to be there, even if they're still getting ready).

Or cases we both exchange texts and actually leave only when we are both ready to go.

The trick is to take all the variables and planning (and potential for bad planning) out of the equation. Everyone is happier that way.

Re: Why is it hard to make friends over 30? (2012)

#674

Post by b0rsuk »

heedlessly2 wrote: post #566
b0rsuk wrote: post #369

Get a hobby. Start going to a place where people practice it. I'm over 30 and board games work well for me. Most people I play with are younger. The oldest of us, resembling the one from French Connection, is a former programmer(?) and regularly mops the floor with other players, often at games he's playing for the first time. I heard he attends dancing lessons too. I think it's a matter of getting your priorities ri…

>If he has a single friend, I'm not aware of that. You make him sound lonely. But he has a wife and kids. Most people get less involved in their friendship group after starting a family

When I hear him talking about kids, it's almost invariably that they misbehave. Not that they're visiting X or Y with kids or had a funny talk or something. And the kids seem a bit too eager to play with anyone, as if no one spends much time with them. Does my brother only work late on holidays? To me it sounds they're managing their kids, not raising them. Maybe I'm bad at judging people, but I don't see much joy in that family.

Anyway I think this is a bit sad. Ancient Greeks valued friendship more than love. Friends are often for life, while lovers are all too happy to switch when someone more attractive shows up.

Re: Why is it hard to make friends over 30? (2012)

#675

Post by 725686 »

thecrazyone wrote: post #536
dmichulke wrote: post #516

Earlier quoted context omitted.

1. I only ever heard of this as a dilemma and not a paradox 2. There is this recruiting problem where you have to decide which secretary to hire before having seen all of them. The optimal solution is to see the first 37% ( 1/e ) and then hire the first that is better than the previously seen best. Putting that into lifespan of ~75 ys and assuming we don't really start sampling until we are 15, we end up with an opti…

Oh! I used a similar mathematical model while finding a spouse. I figured, that for me, 37% (1/e) worked out to 13 people. This (finding people) is a space I've spent a lot of time doing, planning, understanding, and thinking about :) Also, there are a lot of scientific papers on how to model these in scholar.google.com (sorry that I don't have links that I can give right now)

How romantic.

Re: Why is it hard to make friends over 30? (2012)

#676

Post by heedlessly2 »

b0rsuk wrote: post #674
heedlessly2 wrote: post #566

Earlier quoted context omitted.

>If he has a single friend, I'm not aware of that. You make him sound lonely. But he has a wife and kids. Most people get less involved in their friendship group after starting a family

When I hear him talking about kids, it's almost invariably that they misbehave. Not that they're visiting X or Y with kids or had a funny talk or something. And the kids seem a bit too eager to play with anyone, as if no one spends much time with them. Does my brother only work late on holidays? To me it sounds they're managing their kids, not raising them. Maybe I'm bad at judging people, but I don't see much joy in…

>Anyway I think this is a bit sad.

It definitely sounds like you have something against your brother by the way you have portrayed him in a negative light. It sounds like you are competitive against him by constantly comparing his lifestyle versus yours.

Re: Why is it hard to make friends over 30? (2012)

#677

Post by SubuSS »

SubuSS wrote: post #208

It is very interesting to read all these comments: I am trying to see why the 'social' networks aren't able to fill this gap of camaraderie (assuming that's what people are looking for when they say friendships). What are we worried about? The public nature of discussions? Worry about putting yourself out there and getting digitally recorded for ever? Why aren't we able to have a tinder for friends as a successful se…

I don't know if anyone cares at this point, but I did google around and found an app called Patook that's for this: I didn't dig further than play around, but it is something others might want to check out! FYI.

Re: Why is it hard to make friends over 30? (2012)

#678

Post by cornholio »

emodendroket wrote: post #652
cornholio wrote: post #603

Earlier quoted context omitted.

Here is a metastudy that finds 97% kept some weight off after 4-5 years, and 35% maintained or increased their percentage loss: https://academic.oup.com/ajcn/article/74/5/579/4737391 Still bad but not as bad. It's also important to point out a strong self selection bias in such studies: we mostly deal with those who were overweight and needed to start a diet, so they probably had low impulse control to begin with. An…

> It's also important to point out a strong self selection bias in such studies: we mostly deal with those who were overweight and needed to start a diet, so they probably had low impulse control to begin with. By this metric some three-quarters of Americans have poor impulse control (cf. https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Obesity_in_the_United_States#/... ), so I think it is actually the other group that is exceptional.

That's why I mentioned cultural norms, I really don't know how many of those Americans really want to lose weight, but it's clearly not a reflection of typical human capacity for self control.

There are many other nations that reached comparable prosperity and food abundance at similar times, yet don't have even comparable obesity rates. An extreme case is Japan, at 3.5% obesity rate maintained largely though willpower and cultural norms, by literally firing those that are too fat, or in any case applying strong social pressure and mandatory counseling.

Re: Why is it hard to make friends over 30? (2012)

#679

Post by heedlessly2 »

amyjess wrote: post #368

I'm 33. I had a lot of friends when I was in college. I think I hung out with like four different groups of people, and I'd often introduce people in different groups to each other. After I graduated, everything slowly fell apart. As the years went by, we all slowly but surely drifted away. I'm at the point where I hang out with very few people in real life anymore. I have one very close friend from college who I sti…

its kind of scary how correct you are about how friendships fizzle out

Re: Why is it hard to make friends over 30? (2012)

#680

Post by JimboOmega »

Angostura wrote: post #402
Aramgutang wrote: post #341

Earlier quoted context omitted.

Have you considered that we may be incapable, rather than inconsiderate? Especially if it's "all the time"? Do you think that those of us without adequate executive function are on time for things we deem truly important? If you do, then you might want to challenge that notion, and see if that affects your viewpoint.

Simply tell your friends “I’m afraid I can’t commit to meeting you at any time due to my inadequate executive function”. It should help them change their viewpoint.

There's a lot of better things to say, for instance:

"How about I meet you at your place? I often run late and would rather you weren't sitting there waiting for me"

Or you could pick me up at my work; I'll already have to be dressed and out of the house since I'm at work.

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