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Why is it hard to make friends over 30? (2012)

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Re: Why is it hard to make friends over 30? (2012)

#511

Post by BLKNSLVR »

rubber_duck wrote: post #486
BLKNSLVR wrote: post #122

Earlier quoted context omitted.

Was going to post something similar here. I've got plenty of friends from prior to playing PoGo, but I see my PoGo friends more frequently because PoGo provides a common reason to meet up with them / be in the same physical location. It's definitely a somewhat unique phenomenon, and I like both the effect (seeing friends more regularly) and being able to experience it from the inside. It does, however, give me the fe…

>It's definitely a somewhat unique phenomenon Sounds like sports or any hobby that involves other people. But I haven't played it so maybe I'm missing what's unique about it.

The unique part, for me, is having to physically be in a specific place to engage in parts of the game, and the places are 'anywhere around the world'.

Reading the sentence I just wrote it still just sounds like sport, where you have to go to an oval or arena or whatever. But with Pokemon Go it's sort of 'anywhere' and yet specific at the same time. It's a particular place at a particular time. The difference may just be that it's a virtual / digital game rather than a physical one.

Re: Why is it hard to make friends over 30? (2012)

#512

Post by emodendroket »

cornholio wrote: post #459
memebox3v wrote: post #442

Earlier quoted context omitted.

God. This "free will trumps all things. You are in total control of your destiny. All things that happen to you are your own doing" needs to die. Slowly and painfully. You are a tiny sliver of consciousness on top of a vast, powerful machine. That machine gives you ideas, manages your body, and dictates your desires. Using conscious will power to try to overcome innate points of equilibrium in the system that is you,…

It's always possible, but much harder for some people. It's in many ways like alcoholism or other addictions: it's not useful to pontificate to alcoholics and blame them for a lack of of will power when dealing with a serious mental impairment. Yet, willpower remains the single best cure against addiction, encouraging people to leave themselves at the hands of impulse is not healthy advice. People do lose weight and…

The other guy is right though. Other than gastric bypass, all methods of weight loss have like a 2% success rate over the long term. Given numbers like that, I don't see it as useful to cast it as a problem of willpower.

The existence of large national trends also, to my mind, points away from individual failings. I find it hard to believe that the willpower of the average person has simply dropped off steeply over a few decades.

Re: Why is it hard to make friends over 30? (2012)

#513

Post by [deleted] »

warabe wrote: post #192

As a gay man who is almost 30, I think making friends is relatively easy for gay people thanks to dating apps. Perhaps, you cannot same gender friends in Tinder (if I'm wrong, please correct me), but a lot of gay people are using dating apps not only to find relationships but also to find friends. I also think social isolation around gay people makes friendship among gay people special. I don't know much about Wester…

[deleted]

Re: Why is it hard to make friends over 30? (2012)

#514

Post by soulnothing »

poulsbohemian wrote: post #106
pmoriarty wrote: post #82

Earlier quoted context omitted.

"it's just hard to meet people in the first place" If it's hard, it's usually a psychological difficulty rather than a lack of opportunity. Unless you live somewhere exceptionally remote, you're usually surrounded by people and opportunities for meeting them are quite frequent. You could strike up conversations most anywhere: from streets to bus stops to parks to bars to dance and social clubs to special interest gro…

As I noted later in my comment "unless one makes a concerted effort to seek out their tribe," which agrees with your point. That stated, this being a technical forum, many of us are Myers-Briggs (if you believe in it) INTJ types -- so yes, we do potentially lack the social skills. Moreover, I reflect upon my own adulthood, where for much of it I have risen before dawn to work, skipped lunches, returned home somewhere…

I moved to Seattle from the east coast about a year ago. I'm heading back because I don't fit in here. It's me, not the city.

I spent a lot of time working remotely. Bouncing up and down the northeastern corridor. I found a way to get acclimated to a city rather quickly. Find your tribe, friend the service staff, and it generally grows from there. Make yourself that you're a regular, and a good person.

I'm not an outdoorsy person, I'm not a "chill" person. What I enjoy wasn't common fare. That's not meant as a knock. The closest I found here, was the LGBTQ community. But there was a bit of trepidation with me being a software developer, i.e. causing problems for the city.

There is the Seattle freeze. But it's also we're busy and there is not that much in common. It's important to try and not be negative. Blaming the city is not beneficial. Maybe the city just isn't right for you. What do you want from your city, where you live?

I will say I did find it's more insular. My usual fare of trying to join a conversation at a bar didn't work. Saying hi, was not well received. I also think I had a cloud of negativity, from heavy job dissatisfaction that limited a positive response. My few friends here. Were gained from bartenders a bouncer, and someone I met at a mixer.

One other thing I'd note. Is I try and perform outside of work, event hosting, dj'ing, etc. I tried talking to promoters but got stood up a lot. Make an appointment to meet up and no show.

Re: Why is it hard to make friends over 30? (2012)

#515

Post by k__ »

kokey wrote: post #508

As someone who has been an expat in several locations and also divorced, I have found that it's not really due to age but down to where the people around you find themselves in their life and where you find yourself in life. When young people go to college a significant portion of them are in a situation where they would need to seek and develop new friendships. The same happens if you move to a location which has a…

True.

I know people who fit in the classical "over 30" role with 23 because they got two children and I know people who don't fit in that role with 42.

But I think there is a high correlation between age and state of life.

Also, the people over 30 that aren't in that "I don't have time for other people"-state are often those who struggle to find friends.

Re: Why is it hard to make friends over 30? (2012)

#516

Post by dmichulke »

scardine wrote: post #493
iamleppert wrote: post #284

People are a sum of their life experiences. People who are older, have more that goes into that equation. More often equates to complexity and intricacy, like a complicated key, that becomes harder and harder to find a lock for. In my early 20's, I was more open to hanging around people I know I didn't like, or wasn't compatible with, because I didn't want to be alone or without friends, craved attention, and saw eve…

At 47 it is a bit of the explore/exploit paradox for me - an optimal stopping problem. As an introvert social interaction drains my mental energy so at some point you start investing more energy into enjoying your best friends than into making new friends.

1. I only ever heard of this as a dilemma and not a paradox

2. There is this recruiting problem where you have to decide which secretary to hire before having seen all of them. The optimal solution is to see the first 37% (1/e) and then hire the first that is better than the previously seen best.

Putting that into lifespan of ~75 ys and assuming we don't really start sampling until we are 15, we end up with an optimal stopping (= exploitation) age of 32.07.

Surprisingly close to the 30 mentioned.

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Secretary_problem

Re: Why is it hard to make friends over 30? (2012)

#517

Post by collyw »

Yaggo wrote: post #469
hx2a wrote: post #26

I'm 42, and I wish someone told me in my 20's it would be harder to make new friends as I got older. I would have done things differently. I would have put more effort into making friends then. I am able to make new friends, but they end up being more like acquaintances most of the time. Currently I am in grad school, and that's working out well for me. There's something about the shared camaraderie and shared suffer…

This. I realized too late that student life (college, university) is not about studying but for making life-long friends, building the base for your network.

Not really.

As I have grown older I realised that my university friends were mainly a bunch of snobby middle class boring people. They had a careers, while I explored life a fair bit more (and still manage to have a career after taking a few years out).

The guys who I have met through kayaking - an activity where we have quite literally saved each others lives on occasion - are far more interesting and fun and more real friendships.

Re: Why is it hard to make friends over 30? (2012)

#518

Post by Dowwie »

I've organized my life around career and family. Forging relationships at work hasn't transcended employment in that I lose touch shortly after leaving an organization. I've found that professional communities, from executive mba program to various tech communities, as having the potential to create new relationships but it requires time and tending to, and so now I am in my late 30s affirming the challenges of making friends. Acquaintances, however, are far easier to achieve.

Re: Why is it hard to make friends over 30? (2012)

#519

Post by spacehome »

pteredactyl wrote: post #64
zanny wrote: post #31

Earlier quoted context omitted.

You forge friendship through common struggle. You need to offer one another something or you just introduce yourselves and let one another drift off in opposite directions without any bond forged. You form your first friendships really early on with an extremely strong commonality - the hugeness of the world and your lack of information about it. Literally everything is in common with your peers circa age 2-4 because…

This is realistic for the 'life narrative' ™, but I find it cynical and lacking in the free will department. If you want to make friends, truly, at any age, work at it and you'll figure it out!

Free will is an illusion. So is the idea that I'm going to just figure out my difficulty making friends.

Re: Why is it hard to make friends over 30? (2012)

#520

Post by k__ »

kbart wrote: post #490
el_cid wrote: post #431

Earlier quoted context omitted.

It seems you might be rationalizing your lower-income a bit. Let me try to explain why. I agree about the work-life balance, but at 30 you're in the best shape you'll ever be: physically & mentally. In my opinion there is some sense in sacrificing a bit of the present in order to make the future more palatable. Especially at the age of 30. A bit of extra effort at this age can save a lot of trouble down the road. Gra…

Not everyone measures their happiness by the balance in their bank account. These "miserable people" might be genuinely enjoying their "useless" trinkets and adventures. If it's not for you - OK, but don't judge other people like that. Contrary, I know plenty of older, rich people that worked hard their whole life and are still miserable, because they are missing the time they could have spent with the loved ones (es…

What they're trying to say is, if you work in a job you don't like and pace through work from one holiday to the next, you're basically missing out on life.

I mean, how much holidays do you have? In Germany for every holiday week you work five weeks.

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