Why is it hard to make friends over 30? (2012) • Hacker News Board

Re: Why is it hard to make friends over 30? (2012)

#661

Post by julianilson » Wed, Feb 21, 2018, 7:00 PM UTC

mcjiggerlog wrote: post #633

julianilson wrote: post #590

Earlier quoted context omitted.

Fellow expat here. This problem had been on my mind for years. Like you said, the main challenge is how to spot the most compatible people in a sea of strangers that are in a similar phase in life. I built We3 to try to make this easier (and it looks like it's working!). We launched recently and matched around 30k people already. It's a mobile app where profiles are private. And it connects people in groups of 3, but…

Looks like a cool tool, but I just wanted to add that I'm a man with at least 50% female friends, so restricting me to only making friends with men is a shame. I think we've moved past the whole "not being able to be friends with someone of the same gender" thing (nevermind the fact that people of the same gender can date!). There are probably better ways to tackle people using the app for dating.

Yeah, it was a tough call tbh. The thing is that most other apps slide into dating territory because that's where the money is. And it ends up ruining the experience for everyone who's not there to find a mate. Wrote up a longer post on the reasoning here [1]. It's definitely in the roadmap, we're just two guys working on this, so it'll take a bit of time to manage that transition carefully.

[1] https://www.we3app.com/why-tribes-same-gender/

Re: Why is it hard to make friends over 30? (2012)

#662

Post by JimboOmega » Wed, Feb 21, 2018, 7:03 PM UTC

croon wrote: post #413

Aramgutang wrote: post #378

Earlier quoted context omitted.

I'm one of those perpetually late people. There was a time when I was slightly overweight. I changed my diet, started lifting weights and running, and ended up running a marathon 18 months later. But I couldn't fix my lateness. Pretty sure I had to run to the marathon starting area to be able to start with my group. I've found that exercising control over my body is easy. The body is stupid. It does what I tell it to…

Are you late the same amount of time every time? I was like this, and so is most of my old friends still to this day. I still snooze and never come in to work at a regular time, but I've never missed a morning meeting when one is planned. I just scope out my getting ready, the drive in, account for extra traffic and finding parking, and then add an extra 5-10 minutes on top of the worst case time. I can't remember th…

I'm atrocious at time scoping. I view the time to get to a place to be the time on a vehicle in the best case, for instance. I ignore elevators, parking, traffic/transit delays, all of it. In particular the almost inevitable time spent searching for all my things to get out the door.

Getting ready in the morning is a particular challenge because it varies tremendously. Some days I might fuss around with my outfit and makeup for an hour, other days I can get out the door in 15 minutes.

It's not just the time I "feel like" spending, it's time looking for things, time getting distracted... and time just badly planned (I think I am so early, when I'm not, because I plan these things badly).

Re: Why is it hard to make friends over 30? (2012)

#663

Post by julianilson » Wed, Feb 21, 2018, 7:03 PM UTC

cpeterso wrote: post #643

julianilson wrote: post #590

Earlier quoted context omitted.

Fellow expat here. This problem had been on my mind for years. Like you said, the main challenge is how to spot the most compatible people in a sea of strangers that are in a similar phase in life. I built We3 to try to make this easier (and it looks like it's working!). We launched recently and matched around 30k people already. It's a mobile app where profiles are private. And it connects people in groups of 3, but…

btw, the We3 product screenshot of the man calling the other men "ladies" and the video of Donny touching the crying girl are in poor taste.

Yeah. Going to be replacing that soon. Thought it would be a good way to kill two birds with one stone: have an explainer video that was also worthy of press coverage. And it kinda worked, but it made some important people distance themselves because of the politics. Thanks for the note.

Re: Why is it hard to make friends over 30? (2012)

#664

Post by julianilson » Wed, Feb 21, 2018, 7:05 PM UTC

vanderZwan wrote: post #640

julianilson wrote: post #590

Earlier quoted context omitted.

Fellow expat here. This problem had been on my mind for years. Like you said, the main challenge is how to spot the most compatible people in a sea of strangers that are in a similar phase in life. I built We3 to try to make this easier (and it looks like it's working!). We launched recently and matched around 30k people already. It's a mobile app where profiles are private. And it connects people in groups of 3, but…

I like the idea, but aren't you worried that Grant Morrisson or DC will complain about the name? [0] https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/We3

Not really. We do completely different things, so I think we're in the clear. The USPTO gave us the trademark protection, too. :)

Re: Why is it hard to make friends over 30? (2012)

#665

Post by vanderZwan » Wed, Feb 21, 2018, 7:09 PM UTC

julianilson wrote: post #664

vanderZwan wrote: post #640

Earlier quoted context omitted.

I like the idea, but aren't you worried that Grant Morrisson or DC will complain about the name? [0] https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/We3

Not really. We do completely different things, so I think we're in the clear. The USPTO gave us the trademark protection, too. :)

Ah, true.

Just avoid using a dog, cat and rabbit as your mascots I guess ;)

Re: Why is it hard to make friends over 30? (2012)

#666

Post by Lordarminius » Wed, Feb 21, 2018, 7:16 PM UTC

When you're young the criteria for making friends include shared interests in the opposite sex, academics, partying and so on. People are rarely judgemental. Later in life a huge component of relationships is based on comparison of status and material acquisitions.

Re: Why is it hard to make friends over 30? (2012)

#667

Post by soupflavor » Wed, Feb 21, 2018, 7:24 PM UTC

majos wrote: post #113

zanny wrote: post #31

Earlier quoted context omitted.

You forge friendship through common struggle. You need to offer one another something or you just introduce yourselves and let one another drift off in opposite directions without any bond forged. You form your first friendships really early on with an extremely strong commonality - the hugeness of the world and your lack of information about it. Literally everything is in common with your peers circa age 2-4 because…

There's a beautiful passage in All The King's Men that makes, to me, a similar point: "The friend of your youth is the only friend you will ever have, for he does not really see you...and perhaps he never saw you. What he saw was simply part of the furniture of the wonderful opening world. Friendship was something he suddenly discovered and had to give away as a recognition of and payment for the breathlessly opening…

>There's a beautiful passage in All The King's Men that makes, to me, a similar point: "The friend of your youth is the only friend you will ever have, for he does not really see you...and perhaps he never saw you. What he saw was simply part of the furniture of the wonderful opening world. Friendship was something he suddenly discovered and had to give away as a recognition of and payment for the breathlessly opening world which momently divulged itself like a moon flower. It didn’t matter a damn to whom he gave it, for the fact of giving was what mattered, and if you happened to be handy you were automatically endowed with all the appropriate attributes of a friend and forever after your reality is irrelevant.”

Wow, this quote is phenomenal

Re: Why is it hard to make friends over 30? (2012)

#668

Post by JimboOmega » Wed, Feb 21, 2018, 7:40 PM UTC

BrandoElFollito wrote: post #357

JimboOmega wrote: post #332

Earlier quoted context omitted.

It's very possible to have every intent and desire to be on time, and still fail at it. Some people have problem with things like attention and executive function that make planning in time very difficult. For you it might be an issue of not caring. IT's not for everyone.

This reminds me of all these obese people who a are obese because of "health issues", to cover their horrific lifestyle. 98% of the cases, probably (I am being generous). Same with the timekeeping : some feel that they are so unique and mentally impaired that keeping time is beyond them. But they just do not give a shit about others. I was 30 kg overweight and had all kind of excuses (including a medical condition).…

It feels like you're ignoring the biological realities behind some mental health conditions. In this case, ADHD. You can't just dismiss deficits in executive function as "not caring". This lecture is a great one on the subject:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wmV8HQUuPEk&t=13s

Or less specifically you can read: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Attention_deficit_hyperactivit...

The reality is that the circuits in the brain that manage things like impulse control and attention don't work as well in some people.

One of the primary treatments for ADHD is stimulant medications... and yes, as a coping strategy, getting panicked to the point of adrenaline spiking. Both of them activate norepinephrine. But it has limits. I cannot be a panic about leaving for work every morning, or every time I meet with friends.

Medication helps tremendously; planning things in the morning before the medication has kicked in leads to problems.

When I have worked at a job that requires me to be in at 9:30AM every morning, the result was a ton of stress and constant friction. The solution is to schedule that meeting some other time; when I've worked at places that didn't have that requirement everybody has been happier.

I can assure you that I never say to myself, what's more important: being at this meeting on time or spending 10 minutes searching for my phone? Or responding to this reddit comment? My understanding of time is not nearly good enough to make those kind of choices. Watch the video I linked; it's not intention that is the problem.

Knowing the current time is not the problem, but being reasonable about how long things will take is extremely difficult.

A lot of my life is organized around the knowledge that I am this way. I simply can't have friends who are going to think I don't care about them every time I'm 15 minutes late. For some people, that might be the case, but it's not for me.

FWIW, my BMI is 21; appetite was never a problem for me. But I know a thing or two about excuses and getting out of my comfort zone; I'm trans.

Re: Why is it hard to make friends over 30? (2012)

#669

Post by JimboOmega » Wed, Feb 21, 2018, 7:52 PM UTC

dazc wrote: post #373

JimboOmega wrote: post #332

Earlier quoted context omitted.

It's very possible to have every intent and desire to be on time, and still fail at it. Some people have problem with things like attention and executive function that make planning in time very difficult. For you it might be an issue of not caring. IT's not for everyone.

'It's very possible to have every intent and desire to be on time, and still fail at it.' The people who try to arrive 'just in time' are the ones this usually applies to though. If you've ever worked at a place where you have a long commute you'll likely have noticed that the people who are consistently late are those who live closest.

People who really struggle with time management and planning, yup. The lack of an ability to reason about time - to, fundamentally, exercise executive function - leads to these problems where the time estimates are always short.

For some people, it's hard to see all the pieces ("take a shower, brush teeth, put on clothes, pack your bag, take the elevator...) that go into one larger task ("getting to work") and reason about them. It's fundamentally a working memory/executive function deficit.

It's also shocking to me how every intent of leaving well and truly earlier than I thought can also fall apart. The lack of adrenaline in such situations allows a million distractions to creep in. "Oh, I can spend a few minutes to fix my makeup". "Oh, I haven't watered the plants in a while!" I can try to wall some of them off (I will NOT use the computer or look at my phone), but there's real limits.

Re: Why is it hard to make friends over 30? (2012)

#670

Post by donretag » Wed, Feb 21, 2018, 7:53 PM UTC

julianilson wrote: post #590

kokey wrote: post #508

As someone who has been an expat in several locations and also divorced, I have found that it's not really due to age but down to where the people around you find themselves in their life and where you find yourself in life. When young people go to college a significant portion of them are in a situation where they would need to seek and develop new friendships. The same happens if you move to a location which has a…

Fellow expat here. This problem had been on my mind for years. Like you said, the main challenge is how to spot the most compatible people in a sea of strangers that are in a similar phase in life. I built We3 to try to make this easier (and it looks like it's working!). We launched recently and matched around 30k people already. It's a mobile app where profiles are private. And it connects people in groups of 3, but…

Is there any reason why this is a mobile only app?

I have a strong preferences not to use apps that are mobile only. And I firmly believe that communicating on mobile has a hard time turning into something more substantial. People nowadays are used to quick status updates while on mobile. Look at the popularity of Snapchat. Why bother writing something when I could just post a picture on Instagram?

It is difficult to make friends when you are over 30, and I think with society stuck on the internet and mobile, it will be even more difficult. At least break free from mobile.