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Why is it hard to make friends over 30? (2012)

nytimes.com

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Re: Why is it hard to make friends over 30? (2012)

#581

Post by heedlessly2 »

Yaggo wrote: post #464

I have never be able to make [close] friends, especially same-sex friends. It bothered me when I was younger, but not much anymore (I'm 35 now). I get enough social interaction at work, my spouse is very close friend of mine, and kids and hobbies keep me busy. Only on occasions like wedding, name giving parties etc. having no friends bothers me little but I've three siblings. It's interesting that the recommendation…

>I have never be able to make [close] friends, especially same-sex friends

I hear this a lot from women and their inability to make friends with other women. More commonly, most of their males friends were just "hovering" around them as nice guys hoping to eventually score a chance with them. But when these token women try making friends with the same gender, those other women are naturally less attentive because they don't have the same romantic inclination as those "nice guys"

Re: Why is it hard to make friends over 30? (2012)

#582

Post by danielbln »

kokey wrote: post #508

As someone who has been an expat in several locations and also divorced, I have found that it's not really due to age but down to where the people around you find themselves in their life and where you find yourself in life. When young people go to college a significant portion of them are in a situation where they would need to seek and develop new friendships. The same happens if you move to a location which has a…

This also works well in reverse, coming from someone who isn't an expat but has many, many expat friends. (living in a city like Berlin helps, of course).

Re: Why is it hard to make friends over 30? (2012)

#583

Post by mmierz »

matz1 wrote: post #576
heedlessly2 wrote: post #557

Earlier quoted context omitted.

>Don't be ashamed to ask people to add you to their whatsapp group That is rude and looks desperate. If a group actually likes you, then they would invite you first. As a general rule, never invite yourself to anything social. You can invite others to your place or to have dinner, but not to something else somebody already planned

Only if you already have especially likable personality, otherwise you do have to be proactive. For me, if I waiting for people to invite me first I end up with 0 friend. It does seem rude and desperate in the beginning but I have to learn to not think it that way.

I agree. I started developing adult friendships when I decided not to worry about this and start dropping “strong hints” that I was interested in social events that I overheard people discussing.

I tend to appear standoffish and several friends have told me that they initially believed that I disliked them. I have to tell people explicitly that I am interested in spending time with them to overcome this.

Re: Why is it hard to make friends over 30? (2012)

#584

Post by ZenoArrow »

maccard wrote: post #423
ZenoArrow wrote: post #356

Earlier quoted context omitted.

Speaking personally, I'm frequently running late for events, but it has nothing to do with being inconsiderate, as I tend to be reasonably considerate in other ways. It's also a family trait, which is something we joke about, and my family includes some of the most considerate people I've ever met. I get that waiting around doing nothing is annoying, but it doesn't have to be that way. For example, if I'm meeting up…

My family are chronically late for things, and yet I manage to be on time. By saying that you should meet at a pub/are vefore you get a train, you’re saying “why don’t you all meet an hour earlier than we need to so I can be late”. Sure sometimes it’s fine, but having to accommodate one person in a group being chronically late is selfish on their part.

> "having to accommodate one person in a group being chronically late is selfish on their part"

That's not what's happening. If I'm running late I'm supposedly missing out too, by missing out on spending time with friends. What part of that is selfish? If I arrange to meet somewhere where they can start enjoying their evening, the only person that misses out is me.

Re: Why is it hard to make friends over 30? (2012)

#585

Post by ZenoArrow »

kenjackson wrote: post #387
ZenoArrow wrote: post #356

Earlier quoted context omitted.

Speaking personally, I'm frequently running late for events, but it has nothing to do with being inconsiderate, as I tend to be reasonably considerate in other ways. It's also a family trait, which is something we joke about, and my family includes some of the most considerate people I've ever met. I get that waiting around doing nothing is annoying, but it doesn't have to be that way. For example, if I'm meeting up…

But then why set a meeting time? Tell them you'll meet them in the evening maybe, but no promises. Then everyone has the same expectation. It just seems stupid to make an agreement that you know you won't keep.

> "But then why set a meeting time? Tell them you'll meet them in the evening maybe, but no promises. Then everyone has the same expectation."

If people accepted that answer, that'd be fine, but by and large they don't/won't.

> "It just seems stupid to make an agreement that you know you won't keep."

You don't always know ahead of time. If you arrange to meet at 7pm and arrive at 7:05pm, predicting that far in advance is quite tricky. Perhaps you fully intended to be on time, but underestimated some part of the journey getting there.

Re: Why is it hard to make friends over 30? (2012)

#586

Post by graphitezepp »

firstplacelast wrote: post #245
warabe wrote: post #192

As a gay man who is almost 30, I think making friends is relatively easy for gay people thanks to dating apps. Perhaps, you cannot same gender friends in Tinder (if I'm wrong, please correct me), but a lot of gay people are using dating apps not only to find relationships but also to find friends. I also think social isolation around gay people makes friendship among gay people special. I don't know much about Wester…

Also gay, I think it is much more to do with our "delayed adolescence" and childless-ness. Or at least in the US that's what I see. The older I get, the more blessed I feel to be gay. I can move to any medium to large sized city tomorrow and probably find tons of guys in my age range that are looking for friends and shared-activity partners. I have many child-free gay friends in their late 30's-50's and their social…

Off topic, but I'm freshly out of the closest and terrified of the future of my social life without the typical social framework I observe in older couples. Really heartening to know you feel this way.

Re: Why is it hard to make friends over 30? (2012)

#587

Post by leetcrew »

DenisM wrote: post #405
leetcrew wrote: post #187

Earlier quoted context omitted.

> The trouble begins when you realize you don't actually care about any of these things. yeah, this is me. how do you meet the people who just want to sit around, drink a few beers, chat a little, and maybe watch a movie?

This looks like depression. See a shrink.

therapists/psychiatrists can't really "cure" depression in most cases; they can only blunt some of the worst symptoms with drugs or teach coping skills. this often plays out over the course of years. in the mean time, depressed people might want to make friendships that they can realistically maintain. this probably does not include friendships that depend on mutual participation in activities for which the person has no genuine interest.

Re: Why is it hard to make friends over 30? (2012)

#588

Post by ionforce »

InclinedPlane wrote: post #178
ionforce wrote: post #96

Earlier quoted context omitted.

Is there an operator/annotation that is the opposite of '/s', like I'm being genuine? !/s /g

(Clippy): it looks like you're trying to write a Perl program, how can I help?

Clippy, get back in the drawer! No one called for you!

Re: Why is it hard to make friends over 30? (2012)

#590

Post by julianilson »

kokey wrote: post #508

As someone who has been an expat in several locations and also divorced, I have found that it's not really due to age but down to where the people around you find themselves in their life and where you find yourself in life. When young people go to college a significant portion of them are in a situation where they would need to seek and develop new friendships. The same happens if you move to a location which has a…

Fellow expat here. This problem had been on my mind for years. Like you said, the main challenge is how to spot the most compatible people in a sea of strangers that are in a similar phase in life. I built We3 to try to make this easier (and it looks like it's working!). We launched recently and matched around 30k people already.

It's a mobile app where profiles are private. And it connects people in groups of 3, but not only based on interests, but personality, lifestyle, values, etc. It would be awesome if we could connect a bunch of this crowd IRL. What do you think? https://we3.app.link/

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