Why is it hard to make friends over 30? (2012) • Hacker News Board

Re: Why is it hard to make friends over 30? (2012)

#561

Post by soylentcola » Wed, Feb 21, 2018, 2:31 PM UTC

Aissen wrote: post #539

TeMPOraL wrote: post #475

Earlier quoted context omitted.

I'm not surprised at all... because the same thing happened with Ingress - the previous game from people behind Pokémon Go! I was only part of the local community of players (green team in my city) briefly, but it was enough to learn that people in it talk to each other all the time (via Hangouts at that time), they see each other every evening, play together and then hang out together. That's one of the strongest fr…

Unfortunately, once you stop playing, there's a big chance that all of this goes away. Side note: I'm surprised how in both Ingress & Pokemon GO, friendships cross team boundaries; you can be adversaries and friends, like in any respectable sport.

When I unexpectedly found myself single after a long-term relationship imploded last year, I did the Tinder/OKCupid thing for a bit. One of the more amusing experiences was when I had planned a date with a girl and was telling a friend about it. At one point after describing the girl's profile, my friend stopped me and asked about some detail before pausing and telling me "she's a smurf! I know her!"

(For those unfamiliar, Ingress players have tongue-in-cheek epithets for the opposing team. Green team are "frogs" and blue team are "smurfs".)

The date didn't lead to anything as I don't think she had any romantic interest in me, but it was definitely a funny point when during a lull in conversation I paused and gravely asked if it was OK for her to be on a date with a "filthy frog" and she busted out laughing.

Re: Why is it hard to make friends over 30? (2012)

#562

Post by tessierashpool » Wed, Feb 21, 2018, 2:34 PM UTC

scardine wrote: post #502

cheschire wrote: post #496

Earlier quoted context omitted.

As an extrovert, social interaction still drains my mental energy. If anything I find myself even more obligated than you do to hold up my end of the conversation because that's the social expectation. This can be horribly exhausting when I'm simply not in the mood.

People take me by an extrovert all the time. I learned to look less nerdy by mimicking my extrovert twin brother. I was the weirdest guy of the school and he was the most popular. Have you ever wondered if deep inside you are an introvert that just got very good at pretending to be an extrovert at early age due to social pressure? Western society rewards extroverts.

Western society rewards extroverts.

Are you sure about that? I get the impression that the English culture regards extroverts as freaks of nature and terrifying monsters.

Re: Why is it hard to make friends over 30? (2012)

#563

Post by heedlessly2 » Wed, Feb 21, 2018, 2:38 PM UTC

bernardino wrote: post #302

hx2a wrote: post #26

I'm 42, and I wish someone told me in my 20's it would be harder to make new friends as I got older. I would have done things differently. I would have put more effort into making friends then. I am able to make new friends, but they end up being more like acquaintances most of the time. Currently I am in grad school, and that's working out well for me. There's something about the shared camaraderie and shared suffer…

I'm 22, and I think I have one or two capital-t true friends. I do have so-called friends, but they are at their respective colleges and are doing their own thing, and we do hang out when they are back in town, but then again, I don't consider them capital-t true friends (though I would in earlier years). After graduating high school in 2014 till now, I have spent a great deal of time alone (I argue it is partly beca…

if you went to traditional university instead of community college, then you would most likely fee different.

Community College typically don't have dorms and high participate in student orgs.

Re: Why is it hard to make friends over 30? (2012)

#564

Post by Allower » Wed, Feb 21, 2018, 2:39 PM UTC

What a load of nonsense

Re: Why is it hard to make friends over 30? (2012)

#565

Post by intrasight » Wed, Feb 21, 2018, 2:39 PM UTC

I would be interested in hearing what other's think about this from an economic theory viewpoint. As others mentioned in this discussion

    friendship = time x struggle

Time, for everyone, is the ultimate "limited resource". As a kid, time seems an unlimited resource. As you get older it becomes more and more limited - both daily and in absolute quantity.

My situation. At 50 with my daughter off at school, and my wife working/living a thousand miles away, I realized that many of my "new" friends were coupled to my daughter and my wife. I didn't have my own friends locally - most were concentrated in my hometown. I was lonely but really didn't know it.

I go to the gym every day and often take group fitness classes. At some point a woman showed up in the class who had just moved back after being away a couple years. She and I became close friends and she introduced me to several of her close friends. Now I find myself with a very intimate social network and feel blessed beyond measure. Our is very much a "time x struggle" closeness - much time together and much of it working out and, when not working out, sharing our personal struggles.

My advice to anyone who suspects at some level that they are lonely is that you're probably right. But the world is full of kind, loving, trusting people - seek them out!

Re: Why is it hard to make friends over 30? (2012)

#566

Post by heedlessly2 » Wed, Feb 21, 2018, 2:45 PM UTC

b0rsuk wrote: post #369

Get a hobby. Start going to a place where people practice it. I'm over 30 and board games work well for me. Most people I play with are younger. The oldest of us, resembling the one from French Connection, is a former programmer(?) and regularly mops the floor with other players, often at games he's playing for the first time. I heard he attends dancing lessons too. I think it's a matter of getting your priorities ri…

>If he has a single friend, I'm not aware of that.

You make him sound lonely. But he has a wife and kids. Most people get less involved in their friendship group after starting a family

Re: Why is it hard to make friends over 30? (2012)

#567

Post by TorKlingberg » Wed, Feb 21, 2018, 2:46 PM UTC

dmichulke wrote: post #516

scardine wrote: post #493

Earlier quoted context omitted.

At 47 it is a bit of the explore/exploit paradox for me - an optimal stopping problem. As an introvert social interaction drains my mental energy so at some point you start investing more energy into enjoying your best friends than into making new friends.

1. I only ever heard of this as a dilemma and not a paradox 2. There is this recruiting problem where you have to decide which secretary to hire before having seen all of them. The optimal solution is to see the first 37% ( 1/e ) and then hire the first that is better than the previously seen best. Putting that into lifespan of ~75 ys and assuming we don't really start sampling until we are 15, we end up with an opti…

It's the optimal solution if you wan to optimize the probability of hiring the one best secretary out of all the candidates. When hiring you usually care more about maximizing the expected "goodness", hiring someone in the top X%, or anyone who meets a certain bar.

Re: Why is it hard to make friends over 30? (2012)

#568

Post by bonestamp2 » Wed, Feb 21, 2018, 2:50 PM UTC

kokey wrote: post #508

As someone who has been an expat in several locations and also divorced, I have found that it's not really due to age but down to where the people around you find themselves in their life and where you find yourself in life. When young people go to college a significant portion of them are in a situation where they would need to seek and develop new friendships. The same happens if you move to a location which has a…

Also an expat here who has lived in multiple locations. I discovered (accidentally) that meetup.com is a great way to make friends in a new place that have a common interest. Try to find a group (or start one) that is about something you're interested in and that meets weekly. Go every week! You'll make friends in no time. I've done this in a number of cities now.

Re: Why is it hard to make friends over 30? (2012)

#569

Post by jacob019 » Wed, Feb 21, 2018, 2:51 PM UTC

collyw wrote: post #517

Yaggo wrote: post #469

Earlier quoted context omitted.

This. I realized too late that student life (college, university) is not about studying but for making life-long friends, building the base for your network.

Not really. As I have grown older I realised that my university friends were mainly a bunch of snobby middle class boring people. They had a careers, while I explored life a fair bit more (and still manage to have a career after taking a few years out). The guys who I have met through kayaking - an activity where we have quite literally saved each others lives on occasion - are far more interesting and fun and more r…

How did you get in with your kayaking group?

Re: Why is it hard to make friends over 30? (2012)

#570

Post by mgeorgoulo » Wed, Feb 21, 2018, 2:53 PM UTC

Chances are, older people have been deceived more. This is a reason to be a bit more sceptical upon meeting a new person. While this may be subtle in itself, the very assumption that your peer may also be sceptical about you can make the situation even harder. I'm afraid it takes two naive individuals, blindly disregarding the risks, to start a meaningful friendship.