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Why is it hard to make friends over 30? (2012)

nytimes.com

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Re: Why is it hard to make friends over 30? (2012)

#411

Post by Aramgutang »

Angostura wrote: post #402
Aramgutang wrote: post #341

Earlier quoted context omitted.

Have you considered that we may be incapable, rather than inconsiderate? Especially if it's "all the time"? Do you think that those of us without adequate executive function are on time for things we deem truly important? If you do, then you might want to challenge that notion, and see if that affects your viewpoint.

Simply tell your friends “I’m afraid I can’t commit to meeting you at any time due to my inadequate executive function”. It should help them change their viewpoint.

I pretty much do. People can be very accommodating when they understand it isn't personal.

Re: Why is it hard to make friends over 30? (2012)

#412

Post by sitajay »

diaperIITB wrote: post #27

I moved country when I was 21 for my first job, it was a complete culture shock to me and I didn't know anybody. It is really hard to make friends even when you are young. Living in shared apartment, playing sport you love, going for dance classes, etc. These activities definitely helps. It took me 1 year to finally crack the code.

I have somewhat similar experience. I shifted from a small town to a metro city for pursuing my undergraduate programme. I was alienated from the whole class for not being 'cool' or 'hip' enough to hangout with them. External biases made it really hard for me to make friends.

It took me time to get comfortable with who I am and what are my values. But still, I have an inferiority complex which hinders me to get along with anybody as the college experience still loops in my mind saying I am not enough.

Re: Why is it hard to make friends over 30? (2012)

#413

Post by croon »

Aramgutang wrote: post #378
BrandoElFollito wrote: post #357

Earlier quoted context omitted.

This reminds me of all these obese people who a are obese because of "health issues", to cover their horrific lifestyle. 98% of the cases, probably (I am being generous). Same with the timekeeping : some feel that they are so unique and mentally impaired that keeping time is beyond them. But they just do not give a shit about others. I was 30 kg overweight and had all kind of excuses (including a medical condition).…

I'm one of those perpetually late people. There was a time when I was slightly overweight. I changed my diet, started lifting weights and running, and ended up running a marathon 18 months later. But I couldn't fix my lateness. Pretty sure I had to run to the marathon starting area to be able to start with my group. I've found that exercising control over my body is easy. The body is stupid. It does what I tell it to…

Are you late the same amount of time every time?

I was like this, and so is most of my old friends still to this day. I still snooze and never come in to work at a regular time, but I've never missed a morning meeting when one is planned.

I just scope out my getting ready, the drive in, account for extra traffic and finding parking, and then add an extra 5-10 minutes on top of the worst case time.

I can't remember the last time I was late to anything now, so it's rare enough that it has to be because of a car breakdown or anything else extraordinary.

Everything that involves more people than you are "too important" to be late for if there is a fixed time set.

Re: Why is it hard to make friends over 30? (2012)

#414

Post by carlmr »

graylights wrote: post #260
JimboOmega wrote: post #212

Earlier quoted context omitted.

Besides the obvious craziness of keeping track of these things... It's worth noting that some people are just completely shit at timeliness, no matter how important the thing is. I am and so are my a lot of my friends "I'm running 30 minutes late!" often meets a "No worries, I might be an hour". A punctuality obsessed person would hate me.

As someone who regularly is late, I disagree. It's all a matter of consequences. I'm never late for a flight because I know it will cost me money. But I run late to work often because I know it the worse I'll get is some jokes. Unless I miss an important meeting, and then I make effort to be on time for. Fashionably late only makes sense if the others can continue without you. * 2 hours late to happy hour? glad you c…

> I'm never late for a flight because I know it will cost me money.

You might plan a 2-3 hour buffer and only arrive 1-2h before the flight. You're still late.

A 2-3h buffer is just not feasible for everything as the day only has 24h.

It's very simple, if somebody is 1h late to the D&D game you start without them. I'm not sure about the game dynamics, but they can probably enter your storyline after 1h if you're creative.

Re: Why is it hard to make friends over 30? (2012)

#415

Post by watwut »

self_assembly wrote: post #79
Kluny wrote: post #39

Earlier quoted context omitted.

Neither of those. It's the emotional burden that he imposes on my mom, making her manage his emotions because he has no other outlet.

In your father's case it might be because he has no other emotional outlet. But as a male with a decent social life I still don't feel comfortable making my friends an emotional outlet. I'd rather not talk to them about things that are frustrating me or making me feel stressed. So my significant other still gets the brunt of that. In fact most of my male friends also don't get too deep in discussing their feelings. S…

There is talking about being angry primary with wife and then there is not talking much except seemingly random outburst of anger or other unpleasantness. I think that parent talked about the latter, when you are annoying and mean without talking about why, but expect other people to be nice to you because you feel bad.

Re: Why is it hard to make friends over 30? (2012)

#416

Post by maccard »

manmal wrote: post #391
Aramgutang wrote: post #378

Earlier quoted context omitted.

I'm one of those perpetually late people. There was a time when I was slightly overweight. I changed my diet, started lifting weights and running, and ended up running a marathon 18 months later. But I couldn't fix my lateness. Pretty sure I had to run to the marathon starting area to be able to start with my group. I've found that exercising control over my body is easy. The body is stupid. It does what I tell it to…

I‘m exactly like this. The only way that helps is to get ready 30-60m ahead of the time I had originally planned to, and then wait it out. But since I hate to wait on other people, I don’t do this as often.

So you’re saying that your 30 minutes is more valuable than mine? And that your hatred of waiting on other people is more important than whatever you were supposed to do? I don’t care if you’re 30 minutes late once or twice and you tell me, but if you tell me “oh sorry I’m late, I saw that I could have left on time but I’d rather have you wait on me than be on time” then that’s an instant way to piss anyone off.

Re: Why is it hard to make friends over 30? (2012)

#417

Post by maccard »

tobr wrote: post #374
BrandoElFollito wrote: post #357

Earlier quoted context omitted.

This reminds me of all these obese people who a are obese because of "health issues", to cover their horrific lifestyle. 98% of the cases, probably (I am being generous). Same with the timekeeping : some feel that they are so unique and mentally impaired that keeping time is beyond them. But they just do not give a shit about others. I was 30 kg overweight and had all kind of excuses (including a medical condition).…

This comment is perpetuating many falsehoods about obesity. For most people with chronic obesity, it is not really a matter of willpower. Just because the direct cause of their condition is too high food intake, it does not mean that it’s a “choice”. Their bodies are programmed to require large amounts of food. Losing weight by willpower in the short term just increases the signals to eat, and may cause weight gain i…

Have you a source in the only effective treatment being a gastric bypass?

Re: Why is it hard to make friends over 30? (2012)

#418

Post by ziqiaojin »

firstplacelast wrote: post #245
warabe wrote: post #192

As a gay man who is almost 30, I think making friends is relatively easy for gay people thanks to dating apps. Perhaps, you cannot same gender friends in Tinder (if I'm wrong, please correct me), but a lot of gay people are using dating apps not only to find relationships but also to find friends. I also think social isolation around gay people makes friendship among gay people special. I don't know much about Wester…

Also gay, I think it is much more to do with our "delayed adolescence" and childless-ness. Or at least in the US that's what I see. The older I get, the more blessed I feel to be gay. I can move to any medium to large sized city tomorrow and probably find tons of guys in my age range that are looking for friends and shared-activity partners. I have many child-free gay friends in their late 30's-50's and their social…

your mom gay

Re: Why is it hard to make friends over 30? (2012)

#419

Post by waytogo »

Super nice thread with inspiring thoughts.

My shot: Once I had a family with wonderful little kids I understood what 'quality time' really is. As much I enjoyed being with my friends or even ex-girl-friends: If I think back of what we did together (getting wasted, so-so vacations, mediocre dinner parties, boring talks at coffee shops) it's so much better now.

It's funny: I am very often invited to dinner parties (private and business ones). Every single time, I just don't want to go. Not because I am anti-social, not at all, it's just that I enjoy time with my family so much more—they are my friends.

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