Why is it hard to make friends over 30? (2012) • Hacker News Board

Re: Why is it hard to make friends over 30? (2012)

#21

Post by hkmurakami » Tue, Feb 20, 2018, 11:27 PM UTC

ravenstine wrote: post #10

The article makes it pretty clear that relationships and marriage take the place of friends, especially for men. 30 is also that sort of point where women who haven't had kids already think "uh oh, better soon than never". I can see the downvotes coming already for speaking on behalf of women, but I have more female friends than male ones and the number 30 is universally dreaded for the reason I describe. Well, then…

I've definitely seen the pattern you describe many times.

The couple that manages this best is one where Sun--Wed is single friends time and Thurs--Sat is couples friends time. Probably not for everyone but this seems to work remarkably well for them.

Kids would probably change things though.

Re: Why is it hard to make friends over 30? (2012)

#22

Post by malvosenior » Tue, Feb 20, 2018, 11:28 PM UTC

I wonder how much the current concept of a "friend" is the by product of 20th century media. Much like adolescence was not what we know it as before mid-20th century, I can't help but feel that the role of friend (especially adult friend) was largely shaped by sitcoms. I think the expectation that you would have adult friends ala Friends (the show) is largely manufactured and giving people false expectations.

Re: Why is it hard to make friends over 30? (2012)

#23

Post by jamiek88 » Tue, Feb 20, 2018, 11:30 PM UTC

Kluny wrote: post #16

ggg9990 wrote: post #3

One anecdatum: I simply lost most interest in having friends by 25. I lost the rest when I had a kid. Now my friends are my daughter’s friends parents. I don’t really like them, I just end up chit chatting with them while our daughters play.

Are you male? I don't want to assume. But as a woman this is something that really concerns me about the guys I and my friends date. I see my father doing the same thing. Once they get into a stable relationship they seem to think that there's no need for a social life beyond their girlfriend, coworkers, and maybe one or two very close old friends... but those old friends tend to drift away. The reason it bothers me…

Wow, you know that certainly made ME think and also made me flash back to the face my wife pulled when I remarked how my lack of friends doesn't bother me.

Perhaps it should.

I'm an immigrant too, although no language issues, so I have lots of friends in my home country and not many here, a lot of those were expats or work connected and the rest are via my wife and her work - she didn't grow up around here either but is American.

I'd hate to go down that road you talked about and I've seen people do so. We've not been able to have kids either so don't have that path of getting out of our bubble.

Food for thought indeed.

Re: Why is it hard to make friends over 30? (2012)

#24

Post by InclinedPlane » Tue, Feb 20, 2018, 11:30 PM UTC

usful wrote: post #8

Anecdotal but, I'm 36 and I made the most friends I have ever made in my life in the last two years. From doing the conference/retreat circuit to, surprisingly, the festival circuit (Burning Man, Gratitude Migration, etc.) I've made a lot of close, real, amazing friends

Yeah, I don't think this is exactly rocket science. I'm a pretty introverted and socially anxious person normally (so I don't like hanging out at random parties or talking to complete strangers or whatever) but I've made quite a lot of new friends consistently year over year. All it takes is putting in a bit of effort to do it. Engage in a few activities now and then, keep in touch with people, organize a thing once in a while. It turns out you can make lots of friends via friends of friends, coworkers, people you meet through various activities, etc.

If you put no effort into it of course nobody is just going to randomly insert themselves into your life. And as you get older you don't have those common experiences of intermingling with lots of other people of similar ages or demographic backgrounds due to school, growing up, and so on. So put a little effort into it.

Re: Why is it hard to make friends over 30? (2012)

#25

Post by jacob019 » Tue, Feb 20, 2018, 11:31 PM UTC

Kluny wrote: post #16

ggg9990 wrote: post #3

One anecdatum: I simply lost most interest in having friends by 25. I lost the rest when I had a kid. Now my friends are my daughter’s friends parents. I don’t really like them, I just end up chit chatting with them while our daughters play.

Are you male? I don't want to assume. But as a woman this is something that really concerns me about the guys I and my friends date. I see my father doing the same thing. Once they get into a stable relationship they seem to think that there's no need for a social life beyond their girlfriend, coworkers, and maybe one or two very close old friends... but those old friends tend to drift away. The reason it bothers me…

Interesting perspective. For some it's a lot of effort to maintain social relationships and life is so busy, free time is precious and spent relaxing.

Re: Why is it hard to make friends over 30? (2012)

#26

Post by hx2a » Tue, Feb 20, 2018, 11:31 PM UTC

I'm 42, and I wish someone told me in my 20's it would be harder to make new friends as I got older. I would have done things differently. I would have put more effort into making friends then.

I am able to make new friends, but they end up being more like acquaintances most of the time. Currently I am in grad school, and that's working out well for me. There's something about the shared camaraderie and shared suffering from the workload that builds real friendships.

Re: Why is it hard to make friends over 30? (2012)

#27

Post by diaperIITB » Tue, Feb 20, 2018, 11:31 PM UTC

I moved country when I was 21 for my first job, it was a complete culture shock to me and I didn't know anybody.

It is really hard to make friends even when you are young. Living in shared apartment, playing sport you love, going for dance classes, etc. These activities definitely helps. It took me 1 year to finally crack the code.

Re: Why is it hard to make friends over 30? (2012)

#28

Post by lr4444lr » Tue, Feb 20, 2018, 11:32 PM UTC

nightski wrote: post #13

colmvp wrote: post #4

I can’t seem to read this right now since I’m over my limit of free articles but I’ll say that Meetup.com has been really helpful to find interesting people in the same boat. My recommendation to people is to find a meetup (doesn’t have to be from Meetup, could be a sports league, religious group, volunteering...) that meets frequently so that you have a chance to slowly get to know the same group of people over a co…

Open in incognito. Read as many articles as you'd like.

Incognito holds onto cookies too (in a separate instance of course). Did you find a way to conveniently overcome that without causing the NYTimes not to work?

Re: Why is it hard to make friends over 30? (2012)

#29

Post by Kluny » Tue, Feb 20, 2018, 11:32 PM UTC

jamiek88 wrote: post #23

Kluny wrote: post #16

Earlier quoted context omitted.

Are you male? I don't want to assume. But as a woman this is something that really concerns me about the guys I and my friends date. I see my father doing the same thing. Once they get into a stable relationship they seem to think that there's no need for a social life beyond their girlfriend, coworkers, and maybe one or two very close old friends... but those old friends tend to drift away. The reason it bothers me…

Wow, you know that certainly made ME think and also made me flash back to the face my wife pulled when I remarked how my lack of friends doesn't bother me. Perhaps it should . I'm an immigrant too, although no language issues, so I have lots of friends in my home country and not many here, a lot of those were expats or work connected and the rest are via my wife and her work - she didn't grow up around here either bu…

I'm glad it made someone think :)

This is one of my fastest upvoted comments ever. I think it struck a chord. There's no way of knowing whether it was men or women upvoting, but I have a feeling I'm not the only who has had these thoughts.

Re: Why is it hard to make friends over 30? (2012)

#30

Post by marincounty » Tue, Feb 20, 2018, 11:32 PM UTC

I had this one co-worker call me every day.

He would just yack, and yack. Some times I would put the phone down, and come back in 5 minutes, and he would still be talking. He was eccentric, had a horrid childhood, but genuinely nice.

I thought he was nuts, but nice.

We ended up becoming best friends. They used to call us the odd couple.

I ended up trusted him more than family. We just included each other in everthing without even thinking. My girlfriends were put off by him at first, but he would wear them down talking, and before I knew it, he was calling them daily. And when he missed a day, they would ask me if he is ok. He never crossed the line either.

He died a few years ago, but his friendship technique was something I thought was brilliant. Just wear the person down.

I can pass this along, I once heard a therapist say something like, make friends with people your own age, or younger. Her rationale was they will die before you.

When I was in my tewenties, I just didn't have much in common with my peers. I wasen't more mature, but didn't like my generation that much. My friends were just older. I really loved all of them.

If I had a do-over, I might have really tried to make friends with people my own age. I'm all alone now. It does suck.

Anyways, my eccentric friend knew how to make friends. I haven't tried his technique, but might?