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Why is it hard to make friends over 30? (2012)

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Re: Why is it hard to make friends over 30? (2012)

#381

Post by amyjess »

groby_b wrote: post #172
hungerstrike wrote: post #6

Who wants friends over 30? I like to make friends with young people. In all seriousness, at 42 I really do prefer to hang out with 20-somethings because they’re fun.

Oh dear God, no. 20-somethings... have a bit of living to do before they're interesting. Don't get me wrong, being 20 is awesome. When you're 20. Because you suddenly have so much freedom. But when you're in your 40s, that's not that exciting any more. Well, at least it isn't for me. I've done the crazy things, I know how they end. I like friends with a bit more perspective.

Honestly, what I want is someone like me to muddle through life with.

And simply put, most people over 30 aren't going to be "like me" in the least. Most of them are family-minded, career-minded, or both. I'm just not going to have much in common with someone who's married and either has kids or is trying to have kids, nor am I going to have anything in common with someone who's trying to aggressively climb the career ladder.

The people I have the most in common with and see as peers are by and large slackers in their 20s, not people my age. I'm 33, and the disconnect between me and most people my age is really jarring... I see most people my age as having more in common with my parents than me (this was especially noticeable the last time I saw my cousins in person... they're only a few years older than me, but they act just like my mom did at their age, while I'm still a big kid... I really feel like most people of my generation are effectively of an older generation).

Re: Why is it hard to make friends over 30? (2012)

#382

Post by infinite8s »

nitrogen wrote: post #351
groby_b wrote: post #285

Earlier quoted context omitted.

If you are running 30 minutes late, you are saying that whatever you did in those 30 minutes is significantly more important than the fact that the other person loses 30 minutes. Occasionally, that is true. Most often, it is simply a sign that you disrespect the other person. It's not about being "obsessed with punctuality", it's about realizing that the other person has a schedule that you are impacting as well. And…

It's quite arrogant for one to think that just because someone is late, they are late out of a lack of respect for one's time. The early person upset their time was wasted is being equally if not more selfish by expecting everyone to move to their whims.

How is expecting someone to honor a mutual meeting time that they've agreed to in advance a selfish desire that everyone moves to their whims!

Re: Why is it hard to make friends over 30? (2012)

#383

Post by kenjackson »

newnewpdro wrote: post #333
groby_b wrote: post #285

Earlier quoted context omitted.

If you are running 30 minutes late, you are saying that whatever you did in those 30 minutes is significantly more important than the fact that the other person loses 30 minutes. Occasionally, that is true. Most often, it is simply a sign that you disrespect the other person. It's not about being "obsessed with punctuality", it's about realizing that the other person has a schedule that you are impacting as well. And…

> If you are running 30 minutes late, you are saying that whatever you did in those 30 minutes is significantly more important than the fact that the other person loses 30 minutes. This is only true if the circumstances knowingly make the person stuck waiting for 30 minutes. That's fairly exceptional, but some people do voluntarily wait for others doing nothing, when the participation of others is entirely optional f…

I'm not sure what you're talking about.

Re: Why is it hard to make friends over 30? (2012)

#384

Post by amyjess »

ryandrake wrote: post #76
psyc wrote: post #41

Earlier quoted context omitted.

I’m the same. I find older middle aged people easier to talk to, more interesting, and smaller-egoed as a group.

My conversations with folks of that “era” always seem to be more diverse, interesting and surprising. You never know what direction the conversation will go when you meet someone new. I have a few hobbies where the practitioners tend toward older and through these activities met exceptional people. I love hearing about the the war, Woodstock, actual political change, the drug fueled 70s, etc. Interesting careers that…

The thing though is that I want a peer. I want someone with a similar outlook on life who I can muddle through life with. The people you describe all sound like fascinating characters, but they're not peers.

I'm 33, and I don't even see people my age as peers. I'm still a big kid at heart, and when I see people my age who are getting married, having kids, climbing the career ladder, it just reinforces that people my age just aren't my peers. I have no interest in ever getting married or having kids, and I have no career ambition. I identify more with people who are a decade younger than me than anyone else. Most people I've seen who are my age come off as more peers to my parents than as peers to me (this was especially jarring the last time I visited my cousins; they're only a few years older than me, but they have three kids each now, they reminded me so much of my mom, while I still see myself as an overgrown kid... by the time their children are old enough to have conversations with I'll probably have more in common with them than with any family members of my generation).

Re: Why is it hard to make friends over 30? (2012)

#385

Post by Double_a_92 »

taneq wrote: post #12
ggg9990 wrote: post #3

One anecdatum: I simply lost most interest in having friends by 25. I lost the rest when I had a kid. Now my friends are my daughter’s friends parents. I don’t really like them, I just end up chit chatting with them while our daughters play.

Yeah, by 30 you probably have a partner, kids, and a high pressure job that you started after you got the kids (so you've never spent much time socializing with your current peers). You have no energy left for socialising and building/maintaining friendships.

That kinda pressures me... I'm almost 26 and all I have is a Bachelor degree and a Job.

Partners and Kids are nowhere near... I don't even have a drivers license ffs (mainly because public transport is quite good here).

Should I start with that?

Re: Why is it hard to make friends over 30? (2012)

#386

Post by Aramgutang »

ramblerman wrote: post #362
Aramgutang wrote: post #339

Earlier quoted context omitted.

I find it just as difficult to be on time for flights as I do for get-togethers with friends, or anything else, for that matter. I've missed at least 8 flights in the past decade, have seen only the last 80-90% of many of the films I watched in the cinema, have had to stand in the back for the first act of many stage productions, etc. Seeing me walk, rather than run, through train stations and airports is a rare sigh…

> I have a clock always visible in my line of sight at my desk, but many times, I can't get myself to actually read the time off it, even though it's right there (and it's digital). Some clocks can be programmed to make noise nowadays at a certain time.

That's not the issue. The issue is that for whatever reason, my brain is refusing to allow me to become aware of the time. The presentation format of the time doesn't matter.

It's tough to fight this, because the person you're fighting is yourself, and you're just as smart as you are, so you can't outsmart or trick yourself.

Sometimes, some technique will work for a day or two, but the brain adapts very quickly and learns how to get around it.

Re: Why is it hard to make friends over 30? (2012)

#387

Post by kenjackson »

ZenoArrow wrote: post #356
odammit wrote: post #258

Earlier quoted context omitted.

“Punctuality obsessed” or person that takes the effort to make time to hang out with a friend, offered them the respect of showing up on time just to have their time wasted by you not showing up on time. If you do it all the time, you’re inconsiderate.

Speaking personally, I'm frequently running late for events, but it has nothing to do with being inconsiderate, as I tend to be reasonably considerate in other ways. It's also a family trait, which is something we joke about, and my family includes some of the most considerate people I've ever met. I get that waiting around doing nothing is annoying, but it doesn't have to be that way. For example, if I'm meeting up…

But then why set a meeting time? Tell them you'll meet them in the evening maybe, but no promises. Then everyone has the same expectation.

It just seems stupid to make an agreement that you know you won't keep.

Re: Why is it hard to make friends over 30? (2012)

#388

Post by compatipal »

Maybe it helps, but I've built compatipal.com for exactly this reason. Describe yourself with short attributes (tags), say "JustinBieber" and "Slipknot"... then find others with an interesting combination of tags in your proximity and contact them, or let others find you. You have to think a little about what tag combination describes you best.

The main problems I faced were: Where do you find people when you spend 95% of your time at home/work? And: I believe part of the reason, why I don't want to talk to just anybody I meet on the street is not because I'm an introvert, but rather because it's highly inefficient to talk to hundreds of people and spend hours of awkward conversation just to maybe find one that I can get along with.

If you want, you can enter your mail and 2 tags, it's free (just use your spam email adress if you don't trust me... just make sure, that somebody interested can contact you). The vision is to someday find your true soulmate(s) with a few clicks.

Re: Why is it hard to make friends over 30? (2012)

#389

Post by Angostura »

JimboOmega wrote: post #332
groby_b wrote: post #285

Earlier quoted context omitted.

If you are running 30 minutes late, you are saying that whatever you did in those 30 minutes is significantly more important than the fact that the other person loses 30 minutes. Occasionally, that is true. Most often, it is simply a sign that you disrespect the other person. It's not about being "obsessed with punctuality", it's about realizing that the other person has a schedule that you are impacting as well. And…

It's very possible to have every intent and desire to be on time, and still fail at it. Some people have problem with things like attention and executive function that make planning in time very difficult. For you it might be an issue of not caring. IT's not for everyone.

Yes, some people may have a neurological deficit. For most though, it’s not caring or lack of empathy

Re: Why is it hard to make friends over 30? (2012)

#390

Post by ZenoArrow »

incompatible wrote: post #269
emodendroket wrote: post #98

Earlier quoted context omitted.

When I was younger I thought sports were stupid, but as I've grown older I've come to enjoy watching football a lot and to especially enjoy watching it with other people. Yeah, it's not going to go on my tombstone when I die, but how many things are? It's a common thing to watch, speculate about, emote over, etc., and the game itself has grown more interesting to me as I've come to understand it more. I also think th…

Sports are so boring and repetitive though. Especially when you don't care who wins, and I can't imagine why I'd care.

I think it helps to have played a sport before to appreciate watching it.

For example, when I was younger I used to play some football (soccer). I don't play at the moment, but when I watch a game there's a lot more for me to pick up on because of that past experience. I get that to someone who's never played before the game might look uninteresting as it's a relatively low point scoring game (compared to something like basketball or tennis), but to people who are into it there's much more going on than just the goals, it's the dynamics of the game as a whole that captures their attention. Having past experience playing makes it easier to see when a team is attacking well and defending well, easier to pick up on individual displays of skill, easier to pick up on new opportunities and how these could change the game, easier to pick up on the state of the game (chances of a win, loss or draw) and the ways the players respond to this.

If the only part of the game that mattered was when the ball was kicked in the net then it would be a boring game as it doesn't happen very often, but there's a whole lot more going on if you know where to look. You might still find the game boring, but hopefully this helps to explain how people get into it.

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