Live data from Hacker News

Why is it hard to make friends over 30? (2012)

nytimes.com

361–370 of 745 posts

Re: Why is it hard to make friends over 30? (2012)

#361
post #229

Earlier quoted context omitted.

So I go up to the pharmacist. He's an older gent about my dad's age. We know each other since I pick up my script for sleep issues every month. "How you doing today?" "Oh, you know how it is." He gives me a weak smile. I can tell he feels worn down from the daily grind. I pick up my script, then think of a way to keep chatting. "Hey, this is going to sound weird, but I also have medical condition. Do you have any adv…

I'm self-employed and I have a rented desk at the local WeWork coworking space. I go there when I feel like getting out of the house to get some work done. Using the coworking space is a surprisingly good way to meet people. Obviously the guy locked in an office, headphones on, hammering out code should be left alone -- but there will be many people sitting in the common areas, chatting with their buddies. They might…

I co-own/run a co-working space and always enjoy opportunities to talk with the others here about our work and life outside of work. I've been in a shared/open office my entire working life and many of my friends have come through these environments.

I think consistently seeing each other daily for whatever period gives you a good chance to find common interests, incorporate social outings, etc.

Re: Why is it hard to make friends over 30? (2012)

#362

Earlier quoted context omitted.

Some people flake on their friends, but are always on time for flights. They are perfectly capable of being on time for important things. It's just that their friends aren't important to them.

I find it just as difficult to be on time for flights as I do for get-togethers with friends, or anything else, for that matter. I've missed at least 8 flights in the past decade, have seen only the last 80-90% of many of the films I watched in the cinema, have had to stand in the back for the first act of many stage productions, etc. Seeing me walk, rather than run, through train stations and airports is a rare sigh…

> I have a clock always visible in my line of sight at my desk, but many times, I can't get myself to actually read the time off it, even though it's right there (and it's digital).

Some clocks can be programmed to make noise nowadays at a certain time.

Re: Why is it hard to make friends over 30? (2012)

#363

> Thayer Prime, a 32-year-old strategy consultant who lives in London, has even developed a playful 100-point scale (100 being “best friend forever”). In her mind, she starts to dock new friend candidates as they begin to display annoying or disloyal behavior. Nine times out of 10, she said, her new friends end up from 30 to 60, or little more than an acquaintance. > “You meet someone really nice, but if they don’t r…

No, it’s being realistic: if somebody doesn’t take you seriously enough to call you back or they disrespect you and devalue your time by being late several times, it’s time to ditch them: life is too short and precious for wasting it on masturbators and jokers. A real friend won’t leave one hanging.

Yeah and it seems like you have managed to figure that out without the need to quantify it, which I believe was the point that the OP was making.

A point could also be made that life is too short to take yourself too seriously, but to each his own.

Re: Why is it hard to make friends over 30? (2012)

#364
post #39

Earlier quoted context omitted.

Neither of those. It's the emotional burden that he imposes on my mom, making her manage his emotions because he has no other outlet.

What emotions, though? He just sounds like an angry person. I am sure dealing with that is a burden on your mom, but an angry person is going to be a burden no matter how many friends they have.

That’s a pretty sad view on humanity isn’t it? When they get angry throw them in the garbage?

Re: Why is it hard to make friends over 30? (2012)

#365

Earlier quoted context omitted.

Besides the obvious craziness of keeping track of these things... It's worth noting that some people are just completely shit at timeliness, no matter how important the thing is. I am and so are my a lot of my friends "I'm running 30 minutes late!" often meets a "No worries, I might be an hour". A punctuality obsessed person would hate me.

As someone who regularly is late, I disagree. It's all a matter of consequences. I'm never late for a flight because I know it will cost me money. But I run late to work often because I know it the worse I'll get is some jokes. Unless I miss an important meeting, and then I make effort to be on time for. Fashionably late only makes sense if the others can continue without you. * 2 hours late to happy hour? glad you c…

It's far beyond that, when it comes to navigating social interactions, once you let things decline, though. I had a rotten time on my early thirties. For various reasons I was undergoing a major shakeup of my self perception. My confidence didn't erode, it just imagined that it was running in thin air, Will E. Coyote style, looked down at the impressively abyssal canyon which definitely wasn't below my feet, and obeyed cartoon gravity. (The kind that shows the emptiness stretching forever below, but somehow dashes you against every promontory and boulder on your way down.)

So I was late for the pre movie drink and greeting my friends new partners, and somehow I couldn't understand why I was slowing down, despite I was certain that I maintained my walking speed. V

Re: Why is it hard to make friends over 30? (2012)

#366
I'm the guy people want to ne friends with. Im very friendly. I don't want friends. Most end the same way: we connect, share & remember things, then i turn cold and act less interested. Then we become good acquaintances. This pattern existed way back in high schoolHi

Having friends is not on my list of success Or even a positive achievement. Being friendly is at the top of the list.

I say to people i meet and to others now, make sure the potential friend really wants the job.

Re: Why is it hard to make friends over 30? (2012)

#367
There is going to be the personality type in here (see: me), that almost goes about friendships (subconsciously) like they do hobbies / new interests. You enjoy time with them, and then maybe after some time you sorta burn out.

But also.. there are people you meet (in the past ~4 years it's been IRC buddies) and it connects extra well. Maybe they're people you really respect (I'm introspecting), and maybe you realize your _other_ friends were just filling some loneliness-void without a real foundation in what could be a nice friendship.

Or maybe you're just bad at maintaining most friendships.

Re: Why is it hard to make friends over 30? (2012)

#368
I'm 33.

I had a lot of friends when I was in college. I think I hung out with like four different groups of people, and I'd often introduce people in different groups to each other.

After I graduated, everything slowly fell apart. As the years went by, we all slowly but surely drifted away. I'm at the point where I hang out with very few people in real life anymore. I have one very close friend from college who I still go out drinking with every few weeks, but he's it. Facebook has been a life saver here: I still talk with old friends all the time on Facebook, but our friendships are mostly confined to Facebook. Every once in a while, someone will say to me "We should totally hang out again sometime!", and I'd be like "Sure, that sounds awesome!", and nothing ever comes of it. I don't think there's anything malicious involved; I just think that both of us are too socially awkward to actually schedule a time and a place to meet up. There have been a couple of exceptions, where "We should totally hang out again sometime!" turns into concrete plans, but those are few and far between.

And it's worse if they're married and doubly so if they have kids. I think, before I go any farther, I should point out that I have no interest in ever having children, and I'm aromantic, which means that I am mentally incapable of feeling romantic attraction for another person. Though I'm technically a lesbian, I'm functionally asexual just because I have no interest in being part of a couple.

Take the guy I used to call my best friend, for example. As soon as he met the person who eventually became his wife, I never saw him alone again. This was a guy who was like a brother to me; we'd often stay up late at night and talk to each other about anything and everything, and we'd often confide things in each other that we'd never tell anyone else (for example, he was the first person I ever came out to). But as soon as he met her, I couldn't hang out with him without his girlfriend/fiancee/wife tagging along. Hell, when he got engaged, I invited him out to a bar so I could buy him a glass of scotch to congratulate him on his engagement, and he brought her along there! It got to the point where I couldn't have a serious conversation with him. It also really annoyed me, whenever we'd hang out at a bar, she'd decide she was tired and wanted to go back. They'd tab out ASAP and leave as soon as their credit card came back. I am, by the way, talking about a bar that's literally right across the street from their apartment. They'd disappear before I could even finish my last drink... before he met her, when one of us would get tired and decide to end the night, we'd at least both stick around until we finished our last drinks and then go home at the same time.

Or, for some of people I know who have kids, their kids are all they talk about. I've had to unfollow a lot of people on Facebook because their Facebook feeds just become constant streams of pictures of their kids and updates on their kids' lives (the only person I make an exception for on this is my cousin, and that's only because her kids are my family too). I've heard from a lot of people my age that they make most of their new friends by befriending the parents of their children's friends, so being childfree that completely cuts off the main avenue of making new friends for people my age (and honestly, it sounds like a terrible way of making new friends, where the only thing you have in common is that your kids like each other).

Making new friends at my age sounds more like pretending than anything else. I dread the idea of joining someone's existing friend group and struggling to understand all their little in-jokes. And even when I do understand them, they won't have any emotional impact on me because I wasn't there when the joke started. And if they're my age, they're going to be spending a lot of time reminiscing over the good old days, and that will always make me feel left out because I'm the newbie who didn't share the good old days with them. I'll always be the fifth wheel.

And then there's the fact that some of my former friends have become genuinely shitty people. Take my former best friend who I was talking about two paragraphs ago. Over the last few years, he's gone down an extreme alt-right rabbit hole. He'd always been a libertarian and a Christian, but he was always one of the good ones, and now he's gone full blown religious right extremist. His Facebook feed has largely consisted of memes with transphobic slurs, Nigel Farage videos, videos about how gay people can't get into heaven, screeds about how Jimmy Fallon's son deserved to die, the "piece of shit" meme about single mothers, etc. He went from being one of the most caring and compassionate people I knew to an utter monster. And, yes, his wife is partially responsible for this. She's an extreme tradcon who believes that a woman's highest calling is to be a 1950s housewife, and she's brought out the absolute worst in him. Eventually, after realizing he's too far gone to ever come back, I started ghosting both of them. I haven't spoken to him in over a year, and I actively avoid going to places where I know they like to hang out. I do, however, take a perverse pleasure in watching my count of mutual friends with him on Facebook drop like a rock. And they're all from people unfriending him. One of those people was a groomsman at his wedding, who publicly told him to "fuck off" after he posted something really heinous. The only good thing to come out of this though is that him going off the deep end has rekindled my friendships with his exes. The last two times "We should totally hang out again sometime!" actually resulted in something concrete happening have been with two of his exes, and we bonded over how he's turned into a horrible person. One of them even said that meeting me was the best thing that came out of dating him (and she's one of my friends who has a kid, but she's one of the few people I know who has kids where I can have a conversation with her about something other than her kid).

But, honestly, losing the man who was at one time the closest thing I had to a brother fucked me up really badly. I don't have anyone who I could talk to the way I talked to him back in the day. We'd been through so much together, and he'd been right there with me for every single important milestone in my life since I was 19. We got each other into music, TV shows, hobbies, etc. He got me into goth music, and I got him into Doctor Who. I took up photography for a time because I wanted to be like him. I can't replace that. There is nobody I can meet tomorrow who I will ever have that kind of deep friendship with, because all these important milestones in my life have already passed, and I'll never get to go back in time and experience those milestones with someone else. I have one close friend left (the guy I still go drinking with every few weeks) who I went through a lot of these milestones with, but I never spent nearly as much time with him as I did with he-who-shall-not-be-named, and our relationship wasn't quite as deep. Oh, don't get me wrong, it's deeper than most other friendships I've had, and he's far more than just another drinking buddy, but not to the extent of thinking of him as my brother. I'm just not going to find another brother (or sister) at my age, as it's the kind of relationship you have to start cultivating when you're very young. The way I see it, I have another 30-40 years left in me before my body gives out, and I'm going to spend all of them without having the kind of friend I had from 19 to 31. I don't really know how I'm going to deal with that.

Re: Why is it hard to make friends over 30? (2012)

#369
Get a hobby. Start going to a place where people practice it. I'm over 30 and board games work well for me. Most people I play with are younger. The oldest of us, resembling the one from French Connection, is a former programmer(?) and regularly mops the floor with other players, often at games he's playing for the first time. I heard he attends dancing lessons too.

I think it's a matter of getting your priorities right and not neglecting work/life balance. My brother is a devops rather obsessed with career, progress, income, has wife and kids. If he sends you a message it's usually because he's about to follow up with something he needs of you. If he calls it's usually past 20:00 and he's not interesting in listening to you... then when he finishes talking he says he no longer has time. He regularly takes his work home. If he has a single friend, I'm not aware of that. He doesn't read, doesn't watch movies, no longer plays games. Doesn't appear to be interested in anything but work.

My simple principle is work to live, not live to work. Work should enable decent living and a lifestyle where I can occasionally travel at my own will, buy some fancy items and eat well. If the workplace regularly organizes parties or sends people on delegations, I'll look for another one. My brother says I could stockpile money much faster abroad. Stockpile... for what? Time is the resource you can't replace.

Re: Why is it hard to make friends over 30? (2012)

#370

> Thayer Prime, a 32-year-old strategy consultant who lives in London, has even developed a playful 100-point scale (100 being “best friend forever”). In her mind, she starts to dock new friend candidates as they begin to display annoying or disloyal behavior. Nine times out of 10, she said, her new friends end up from 30 to 60, or little more than an acquaintance. > “You meet someone really nice, but if they don’t r…

If someone lets you down twice in a row they are always going to let you down. You learn this as you get older.
Post reply on HN