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Tricks to make yourself effortlessly charming

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Re: Tricks to make yourself effortlessly charming

#31

Post by anbende »

_m8fo wrote: post #9

Ｉwonder if the existence of said "tips"ｉｓ ｗｈｙ ｍａｎｙ ｐｅｏｐｌｅ ｆｉｎｄ ｏｔｈｅｒｓ ｉｎｓｉｎｃｅｒｅ．

People tend to find others insincere when it seems like the other person is trying or practicing rather than just acting naturally. Unfortunately, social interactions are a skill, and for many people this skill could use some work, so this becomes a catch-22. Trying or practicing is a prerequisite for getting better, but it seems unnatural and/or awkward at first.

Of course, some people just rattle off canned lines and don't pay attention to others. They're insincere, because they can't be bothered to give other people their attention and respect.

In my experience, people who are actively trying to get better at social situations are usually in the first category, but not always (read PUAs). And maybe there are other categories!

Re: Tricks to make yourself effortlessly charming

#32

Post by ellius »

trentmb wrote: post #19
wonder_er wrote: post #5

Earlier quoted context omitted.

A while back I read Never Eat Alone [0], and found it to be fruitful for framing casual social interactions. Additionally, most other people do not look forward to "mindless smalltalk with strangers". Since it's possible that everyone in the group shares equal anxiety about being there, you can provide a gift to them by asking pointed questions. If it's easy for them to answer, and gives something interesting for eve…

Totally off topic- why is it people always use "voracious" to describe their reading habits?

This is actually an everyday way of expressing a scientifically observed fact. Studies of highly intelligent people suggest that they have a “rage to learn”: they greedily and even obsessively search out new information.

Re: Tricks to make yourself effortlessly charming

#33

Post by saulrh »

EasyTiger_ wrote: post #24
zschuessler wrote: post #6

One tip mentioned is to raise your eyebrows. As example: when you first meet someone, raise your eyebrows slightly (or one), smile, and tilt your head and greet them. Making someone else feel special makes you charming. Along the same lines: I find that voice cadences, and inflection, work pretty well for being charming! Take time to enuncicate the whole sentence you want to say, throw emotion into your words. And if…

How grossly manipulative

Tools are tools. Some people use these techniques to be manipulative. Others use them to protect themselves from those that use them maliciously, or as a social prosthesis the same way they might use a meticulous journal to combat an attention or memory disorder.

Re: Tricks to make yourself effortlessly charming

#34

Post by zschuessler »

EasyTiger_ wrote: post #24
zschuessler wrote: post #6

One tip mentioned is to raise your eyebrows. As example: when you first meet someone, raise your eyebrows slightly (or one), smile, and tilt your head and greet them. Making someone else feel special makes you charming. Along the same lines: I find that voice cadences, and inflection, work pretty well for being charming! Take time to enuncicate the whole sentence you want to say, throw emotion into your words. And if…

How grossly manipulative

I can see how one may think that!

I see charm as a way to make connections with others (which is awesome!). It's also crazy fun to inflect your voice. Everyone has a better time when you're okay being silly.

Would you treat a new acquaintance like they had the plague? Probably not. Is it manipulative to be nice to someone? I don't think so. Being silly with inflection, or using any of the tools described in the article, for me is just another way to relate to others.

I won't deny some may use the tools for manipulation - but the practice isn't inherently manipulative in my opinion.

Re: Tricks to make yourself effortlessly charming

#35

Post by chickenfries »

trentmb wrote: post #19
wonder_er wrote: post #5

Earlier quoted context omitted.

A while back I read Never Eat Alone [0], and found it to be fruitful for framing casual social interactions. Additionally, most other people do not look forward to "mindless smalltalk with strangers". Since it's possible that everyone in the group shares equal anxiety about being there, you can provide a gift to them by asking pointed questions. If it's easy for them to answer, and gives something interesting for eve…

Totally off topic- why is it people always use "voracious" to describe their reading habits?

It's funny how some adjectives always seem to be followed by certain nouns, huh? I think about this whenever I heard about "bodies strewn on the street" on the news.

Reading (and watching) seems to be compared to eating all the time: - I devoured that book - I binged that season

Then there's that term, "consumption" which seemingly applies to every piece of media.

Re: Tricks to make yourself effortlessly charming

#36

Post by [deleted] »

jchw wrote: post #12
_m8fo wrote: post #9

Ｉwonder if the existence of said "tips"ｉｓ ｗｈｙ ｍａｎｙ ｐｅｏｐｌｅ ｆｉｎｄ ｏｔｈｅｒｓ ｉｎｓｉｎｃｅｒｅ．

To the contrary, I think people who put effort into their interpersonal interactions are not necessarily insincere at all. Unless they're sales people :)

[deleted]

Re: Tricks to make yourself effortlessly charming

#37

Post by ellius »

anbende wrote: post #31
_m8fo wrote: post #9

Ｉwonder if the existence of said "tips"ｉｓ ｗｈｙ ｍａｎｙ ｐｅｏｐｌｅ ｆｉｎｄ ｏｔｈｅｒｓ ｉｎｓｉｎｃｅｒｅ．

People tend to find others insincere when it seems like the other person is trying or practicing rather than just acting naturally. Unfortunately, social interactions are a skill, and for many people this skill could use some work, so this becomes a catch-22. Trying or practicing is a prerequisite for getting better, but it seems unnatural and/or awkward at first. Of course, some people just rattle off canned lines a…

It’s really a question of intent. One of my favorite observations was a comment made by Day9 (a pro Starcraft commentator) on the topic of strategy. He said that, when he was younger, he used to think that strategy was just “whoever had the best trick.” But as he grew and improved at the game, he began to understand that strategy was more a matter of focus, consistently good decision-making, and occasionally some deep situational insight. I think working on your social skills is similar. If you are just trying to learn “one simple trick” to manipulate other people, you’re really missing the point and being kind of a bad human being to boot. You’ll almost certainly sabotage yourself and head down a bad path. But if you’re genuinely trying to improve your interactions with other people and to understand why conversations may not go as smoothly as you would think, and if you have good intent, I think these sorts of things can be very useful for people that are not intuitively skilled at meeting strangers.

Re: Tricks to make yourself effortlessly charming

#38

Post by dominotw »

wonder_er wrote: post #5
hoodwink wrote: post #2

Any good book recommendations on engaging small talk and authentic first impressions? I’m headed to a weeklong NYE retreat that has a tendency to dredge up high school cafeteria level social anxieties.

A while back I read Never Eat Alone [0], and found it to be fruitful for framing casual social interactions. Additionally, most other people do not look forward to "mindless smalltalk with strangers". Since it's possible that everyone in the group shares equal anxiety about being there, you can provide a gift to them by asking pointed questions. If it's easy for them to answer, and gives something interesting for eve…

This has the danger of someone rambling for like 10 minutes about some book and everyone else is just waiting for him/her to finish.

I hate people who tell "stories" in big groups , so rude. I prefer quick back and forth where everyone gets a chance to speak. Lots of people overestimate how interesting their story is to other people.

I want to know how to tell people who monopolize group discussion to shut the fuck up so others can speak.

Re: Tricks to make yourself effortlessly charming

#39

Post by pavel_lishin »

nasredin wrote: post #25
AlexCoventry wrote: post #7

Earlier quoted context omitted.

You can see that principle at work in the interrogation of Reality Winner. https://www.politico.com/f/?id=0000015e-c5e7-ddab-a57f-cfe7d...

If the FBI shows up at your door, and act very nicely, very friendly... but they have a search warrant... It's not a speeding ticket, you are not gonna out talk them out of searching your house... so you should... not talk?!

> so you should... not talk?!

That's about the gist of legal advice in general, yes.

Re: Tricks to make yourself effortlessly charming

#40

Post by schoen »

heartbreak wrote: post #28
cloakandswagger wrote: post #27

Earlier quoted context omitted.

They're good, but the transcripts really demonstrate just how hopelessly naive RW is. She printed classified docs on her work printer, emailed them from her work email and then confessed to FBI agents without consulting a lawyer. It doesn't excuse what she did, of course, but it's clear she didn't grasp the gravity of her actions.

Maybe it’s because I’ve never been in that position, but I simply do not understand why you wouldn’t ask to have an attorney present for the questioning.

I feel like this is something people have to consciously practice and remind themselves of.

I work for a civil liberties organization. Yet a few years ago two patrol officers in a train station in New York managed to interrogate me using a classic "good cop, bad cop" method -- about photographs that I was taking. I felt especially weird about this afterward because I had been reading news articles about people's legal right to take photographs in public places.

Apparently, my theoretical desire to assert my rights in an interaction with law enforcement somehow wasn't borne out in practice, and their interrogation methods are incredibly effective.

One thing I found striking when looking briefly at the linked transcript of the interview with Reality Winner is her concern for her pets. Making sure that her pets are properly taken care of is something that she needs from the agents and that's outside of her control in this situation. They don't explicitly bargain about this, but it seems like it's one big reason that she wants them to see her as cooperative.

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