Ask HN: How did you meet your spouse?

We were actually together for almost 7 years before we got married, but we are currently working our second job together.

I had just got back from volunteering (teaching English to Ethiopians) in Israel. I moved home to live with my mom temporarily. I was jobless, no money, and with a bachelors in Psychology.

I applied across the boards of Craigslist. No one really replied. I figured, I taught myself programming when I was younger, why not try for a programming job? A hit! I went in for my interview and I got hired to fix autobody collision software in Visual Basic 6.0. I did not have a car at the time, so I had asked the secretary if I could use her phone to call my brother.

Little did I know.. that woman fell in love with me as soon as I asked that question. Days later, getting to know everything, I would come see her because I thought she was nice and she had a laugh that always got to me. Loved that laugh. Once, I touched her hand, as I did when I was flirting, asking, "my hands are cold, can you warm them up?" She put them in her lap and said, "Delighted to warm your hands up." I really didn't even intend for anything more other than flirting, because you know, staring at a computer screen for 8 hours a day is not the most exciting thing in the world.. so flirting with a girl for a few minutes seemed like a fun alternative and a break from coding.

Anyways time went on... 3 months and a small raise, during all this time, she would come over and see how I was, ask me questions like what I was doing after work, and my thick head never even picked up the hints. Of course, she was a bit older than me, smoked, had kids, tattoos, and was not really on my radar or what I would have considered my type.

So my birthday comes.. she asks me, "What are you doing tonight?" I said to her, "Going to hang out with all the friends I don't have.. would you like to come?" She said she would love to. So sure enough, I went to the bar, none of my friends showed up (because I didn't have any), but she was there. I bought her a drink, she bought me a drink. We ended up having things in common. She admitted to me that she has had a crush on me ever since I walked in that first day and asked if I could use her phone. We kissed and the rest is history.

She later admitted two things to me: Had I not put my hand on hers "to warm up", she had taken those as hints that I was into her, though for me, I was just flirting. And the kiss on our first date... solidified her feelings for me.

And other than a small breakup for about 3 months, we got back together and have been together ever since, going on 7 years and to date - married on November 11, 2017 -- today is November 30, 2017.

As for her smoking.. while I told her to not quit for me, I explained to her that if she continued smoking, that it probably wasn't going to work out between us because it wasn't something I wanted to live with, so she ended up quitting smoking. Yeah.. some may call me an asshole for that, because I wasn't "letting her be herself", but she didn't have to quit, either, and we would have just gone our separate ways.

As for what happened about getting our second job together -- long story short -- first job: boss was harassing her, and putting me down. He had absolutely no knowledge we were dating. I applied to help her get another job and I applied for myself.. and we both got two separate jobs. I really wanted her job and she really wanted mine. Her job was looking for two people to hire (her being one). She mentioned to her new boss who I was and my skillset... after several weeks of searching, they couldn't find anyone willing to work those hours or with the skillset I had acquired from my former job, so they hired me, and I worked two jobs (16 hour days -- 8 AM to 2 AM) for almost 2 years, before the job I had originally gotten failed and laid me off.... so we've been working together pretty much nonstop since we met.

I mean, if you asked me a decade ago.. I literally had given up on love and no longer paid attention to it, hence why it took her 3 or 4 months to get my full attention. I was devastated when the girl of my dreams didn't reciprocate so I had truly given up and was preparing a life of solitude, and surely, I didn't mind myself: I'm my best friend. But I was just used to the games most girls played with me... and I assumed she was no different. Once I had given up on love is when love found me, I suppose. Workplace romance and love is not easy -- what if it didn't work out? What if.... you never know, really. But the opportunity for the spark to happen can happen anywhere. Sure, I may have not gotten the girl of my dreams, but I do feel as if I am now married to the woman of my dreams.

I wonder why would a bar be considered a reasonable place to be looking for a future spouse (vs., say, for a good chat or a one-night stand).

Our moms worked together and they worked hard to hook us up. I resisted for a couple years. Mom's persistence won. Now married over 10 years with 3 kids.

OkCupid.com + almost CyberStalking her via my “favorites” list. She initially told me she wasn’t available for dating. I liked her profile enough that I favorited it, and checked her profile every 2-3 days each time I sat down to email more women to get dates. When her profile changed, I messaged her asking if she was available now.

I got a 3 hour IM chat out of that. Which led to a date. Which led to more dates. Which led to me seeing a For Rent sign across the street from her place, and me fleeing the house I had occupied with my ex. Which led to a lot of impromptu interaction. Making dinner together and sharing plans helped us see what living together could be like. Which led to asking her to go to The Star Trek Experience in Vegas. Which led to the conception of our daughter. When our daughter was 3, I felt our relationship would stand the test of time, and asked her to marry me.

She said I was the only guy to contact her twice.

The ways I knew: she is brilliant, funny, agrees with me just enough to make things smooth, disagrees with me just enough to make things challenging and interesting (and inducing growth for both of us), ahem, great sex. But now after 9 years, it’s just every few days to a week, something happens between us that affirms our match is a great one, and we are lucky to have found each other.

Edit: prior to meeting her, the dozens of women I dated helped me see what I wanted, what I didn’t want, what I could put up with. And most importantly, what I was bringing to the table.

I hope she says yes!