Ask HN: How did you meet your spouse? • Hacker News Board

Re: Ask HN: How did you meet your spouse?

#21

Post by AnimalMuppet » Thu, Nov 30, 2017, 9:58 PM UTC

Where did we meet? At church.

How did I know? Because everyone else I dated, I'd be talking to, and suddenly I'd realize that I had no idea what planet her brain was on. I just couldn't understand where she was coming from, at all. With my wife, sometimes she'd have to explain, but the explanation always showed that she was coming from somewhere I could understand.

Also, as we got closer to each other, I never hit a wall. There was never a line inside her mind or heart that I wasn't allowed to cross, to see what was behind it. She never kept a private version of her that I was excluded from. (I'm not talking physically here, I'm talking about her mind and her heart.)

> Half of me thinks that you have to work hard and be diligent to make it work, and the other half thinks it's just a matter of good interaction between your natural selves.

It's kind of both.

It better be "good interaction between your natural selves". Do you want it to be hard work? For the next 50 years? It has to be OK for you to be your natural self. You can't maintain anything else for the long term.

And yet, you do have to work at it. If you put zero effort into it, well... if you pay for nothing, nothing is what you're going to get. I found in my own marriage that, every year to year and a half, we realized that we weren't as close as we used to be, and we made a deliberate effort to rebuild. But feeling like we're still in the honeymoon phase after 20 years was worth it, definitely.

Re: Ask HN: How did you meet your spouse?

#22

Post by pascalxus » Thu, Nov 30, 2017, 10:16 PM UTC

I met my wife on match.com After using at least 5 different dating sites over a 10 year period, one of them finally paid off.

for all the single guys out there, looking for a GF, here's the strategy. Write a script to copy and paste an intro paragraph and message (make sure to customize it to the profile) every girl you can possibly find, that meets your requirements. It's just a numbers game, the more you play the lottery, the greater the chance of winning. And you only need to win once, for it all to work out. Of course, these days, I expect, there's a lot more captcha's and robo detection mitigation to overcome - I mean it's preferable to bar hopping. But, I bet with some machine learning, you could optimize your response rate.

Re: Ask HN: How did you meet your spouse?

#23

Post by gallerdude » Thu, Nov 30, 2017, 10:33 PM UTC

pascalxus wrote: post #22

I met my wife on match.com After using at least 5 different dating sites over a 10 year period, one of them finally paid off. for all the single guys out there, looking for a GF, here's the strategy. Write a script to copy and paste an intro paragraph and message (make sure to customize it to the profile) every girl you can possibly find, that meets your requirements. It's just a numbers game, the more you play the l…

Would you call it inherently better than bar-hopping? Dating services just seem like a huge slog so far...

Re: Ask HN: How did you meet your spouse?

#24

Post by b3lvedere » Thu, Nov 30, 2017, 10:34 PM UTC

On an internet friendship website. Both of use were not really looking for love, but just someone to talk to occasionally. We just kept talking and talking :)

Re: Ask HN: How did you meet your spouse?

#25

Post by gallerdude » Thu, Nov 30, 2017, 10:34 PM UTC

jakebasile wrote: post #19

I met my wife at the Barrels camp in the Paw dungeon in EverQuest. We had a good time and added each other to our friends list. As we played together more often we grew closer and became actual friends. We started a guild together (which bombed) and branched out into playing other games as well. We moved to City of Heroes and then World of Warcraft. Eventually I grew the nerve to tell her I'd fallen for her as more t…

Cute! I like the metric of realizing that she makes everything better, it's a good rule of thumb!

Re: Ask HN: How did you meet your spouse?

#26

Post by gallerdude » Thu, Nov 30, 2017, 10:34 PM UTC

jlv2 wrote: post #18

We met online, in 1984. We were in college and she posted on USENET making a reference to the Foundation series. It was obvious.

This is the most HN one so far. Very awesome!

Re: Ask HN: How did you meet your spouse?

#27

Post by gallerdude » Thu, Nov 30, 2017, 10:36 PM UTC

AnimalMuppet wrote: post #21

Where did we meet? At church. How did I know? Because everyone else I dated, I'd be talking to, and suddenly I'd realize that I had no idea what planet her brain was on. I just couldn't understand where she was coming from, at all. With my wife, sometimes she'd have to explain, but the explanation always showed that she was coming from somewhere I could understand. Also, as we got closer to each other, I never hit a…

I love all of this! Do you think the reason she was so honest was just because you clicked so well?

Re: Ask HN: How did you meet your spouse?

#28

Post by gallerdude » Thu, Nov 30, 2017, 10:39 PM UTC

atonse wrote: post #17

A mutual friend introduced us because she was interested in volunteering to mentor kids, and I was already doing it. I knew because it just felt obvious. Can't really say it any other way. Married 7 years next spring. I'd say through everything, the most important thing is, no matter how unpleasant it gets, keep communicating. Like someone else said, don't bottle things up and let resentment grow. Talk it out. Text i…

Yeah, of the relationships I've been in, the ones where you can be the most honest are best ones.

Re: Ask HN: How did you meet your spouse?

#29

Post by AnimalMuppet » Thu, Nov 30, 2017, 10:48 PM UTC

gallerdude wrote: post #27

AnimalMuppet wrote: post #21

Where did we meet? At church. How did I know? Because everyone else I dated, I'd be talking to, and suddenly I'd realize that I had no idea what planet her brain was on. I just couldn't understand where she was coming from, at all. With my wife, sometimes she'd have to explain, but the explanation always showed that she was coming from somewhere I could understand. Also, as we got closer to each other, I never hit a…

I love all of this! Do you think the reason she was so honest was just because you clicked so well?

I think she was honest because she was honest. I think she let me see who she was because, first, she wasn't a mess inside, and second, because we were clicking enough that she trusted me.

Re: Ask HN: How did you meet your spouse?

#30

Post by pascalxus » Thu, Nov 30, 2017, 10:53 PM UTC

gallerdude wrote: post #23

pascalxus wrote: post #22

I met my wife on match.com After using at least 5 different dating sites over a 10 year period, one of them finally paid off. for all the single guys out there, looking for a GF, here's the strategy. Write a script to copy and paste an intro paragraph and message (make sure to customize it to the profile) every girl you can possibly find, that meets your requirements. It's just a numbers game, the more you play the l…

Would you call it inherently better than bar-hopping? Dating services just seem like a huge slog so far...

Sure, the rejection rate is much higher on dating sites, but that's because the barrier to entries is lower. Just, don't take it personal, treat it as something abstract, like imagine your using a brute force algorithm to crack a code. Its just a matter time before you get in. Just, gotta keep messaging until you get that date. Based on talks I've had with coworkers and friends, a typical first message response rate is something in the 5-10% range. Hey, that's a lot better than most marketing campaigns. With a first date percentage in the 1-2% range.

I know that sounds hopelessly low, but, as Paul graham says, in beginning, you gotta do things that don't scale.