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Ask HN: Coping with Loneliness

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Re: Ask HN: Coping with Loneliness

#81

Post by muzuq »

le-mark wrote: post #70
J-dawg wrote: post #55

Earlier quoted context omitted.

I strongly agree with this. Internet dating generally has become a toxic experience for men. It definitely increased my feelings of loneliness. Anyone who is already lonely or lacking self-esteem should stay well away.

I'm not familiar with the current generation of dating apps, but I met my wife on plentyoffish a few years ago. I also was a lonely introvert and provide my experience as an example to the OP: I was in a very similar situation to the OP, an introvert who's career and interest led to a state of near constant solitude. I lived this way for over 10 years. I had a weekly routine; weekend was going to the store and househ…

Thank-you for sharing your story, I really appreciate reading all of these wonderful comments letting me know that this is a more common thing than people lead on....

In regards to dating sites, I've tried using them on/off for probably a year or two now. I've had a couple dates but they fizzle out quickly. Unfortunately, my age-group is big on the "hook-up" mentality which really doesn't appeal to me. Maybe, as you said, I need to just get back at it.

Re: Ask HN: Coping with Loneliness

#82

Post by muzuq »

notheguyouthink wrote: post #79
navbaker wrote: post #67

I am extremely introverted, but one of the social activities I've found that actually DOESN'T drain me is going to game nights at my local game stores. Most stores have something going on every night, ranging from standard issue board games to RPGs to miniatures tabletop games. It's amazingly easy to make friends when you're all engrossed in whatever setting you're gaming in!

Do these types of events have spectator focused areas? Eg, I'm a bit of a gamer (not much these days) , but frankly tabletop/etc doesn't really interest me. Despite that, the idea of going and watching the crowd, almost like a coffee shop, sounds really enjoyable. Like a coffee shop with the added bonus of everyone having similar interests. Who knows, the wife and I may make some friends too, or take part. However, I…

I'm interested in this too. I'm not huge into playing tabletop games but would enjoy watching and conversing with the people playing.

Re: Ask HN: Coping with Loneliness

#83

Post by notheguyouthink »

muzuq wrote: post #6
fern12 wrote: post #4

I'm an introvert. There's a saying, "You're never alone with a good book." For me, that's certainly the case. If you're not a bookworm, try audiobooks. Also, I love dogs (probably more than most people). They're loyal, do not judge (unless you have a treat), and live in the moment - what more could one ask for?:) Animals can provide a lot of companionship.

My book shelves are overflowing :) I agree, never alone with a good book. But, having spent weeks at a time reading 5+ hours a day, it can become lonely in itself. A doggo might be a good choice

> A doggo might be a good choice

Seconded. If you like dogs, having one forces you to go out. In my past days (before I met my wife), my dog was the only thing to get me out of the house. I'd frequently go to the park, beach, etc.

Going places before the I got my dog felt like going to a movie alone. With my dog though.. well, I had someone, and better yet, I was focused on my dogs enjoyment. If she was happy, I was happy. I also became a lot more sociable and had more social interactions when I didn't care about other people, strangely enough.

Re: Ask HN: Coping with Loneliness

#84

Post by sjg007 »

I remember being very very lonely. It took a long time to accept the emotion as a transient feeling instead of a permanent state of being.

You have to put yourself out there and do the work. That means make friends or even friends of friends. Find a hobby? Join a coed team sport (softball?)... bowling league? meet ups? Take a cooking class... anything with other people and in some subject you would enjoy.

You can accept the emotion and recognize it for what it is as a passive observer. Take things one day at a time.

Re: Ask HN: Coping with Loneliness

#85

Post by J-dawg »

le-mark wrote: post #70
J-dawg wrote: post #55

Earlier quoted context omitted.

I strongly agree with this. Internet dating generally has become a toxic experience for men. It definitely increased my feelings of loneliness. Anyone who is already lonely or lacking self-esteem should stay well away.

I'm not familiar with the current generation of dating apps, but I met my wife on plentyoffish a few years ago. I also was a lonely introvert and provide my experience as an example to the OP: I was in a very similar situation to the OP, an introvert who's career and interest led to a state of near constant solitude. I lived this way for over 10 years. I had a weekly routine; weekend was going to the store and househ…

Thanks for sharing your story, it was nice to read. It's good to have a counter-example to prove that people can and do meet their spouses online.

I tried online dating about 7 years ago and found it ok, had a few interesting dates but nothing special. I then met my wife (offline) who I thought was my soulmate.

After a few years she left me, and I decided to try online dating again. It feels very different. The women have this incredible sense of entitlement. I don't really blame them, apparently they receive so many messages that it's impossible to reply to them all. It's common to see something like: "If you're just going to say 'hi' don't bother messaging me.", but you can also waste a lot of time writing thoughtful opening messages that just get ignored. It's a painful daily reminder of exactly where you fit in the pecking order, which is why I wouldn't recommend it to someone who is already lonely.

It's hard to pin down exactly what has changed in between the 2 times I tried online dating. But I don't remember it being such a challenge just to get someone to reply to me.

Re: Ask HN: Coping with Loneliness

#86

Post by muzuq »

zapperdapper wrote: post #69

Go to Bangkok. Find a Starbucks. Order your drink of choice. Within 30 minutes you will be chatted up by a girl. Enjoy! p.s. This happened to me back in 2003. We were together for three years. Got addicted to the lifestyle in Thailand - eating out with friends every night, going out to the islands, beaches, diving, golf, malls etc. I worked remotely. My g/f had a lot of friends too. It was a lot of fun. Beats eating…

Suprisingly alluring comment, haha. Might have to think about it....

Re: Ask HN: Coping with Loneliness

#87

Post by zapperdapper »

lastflowers wrote: post #80
zapperdapper wrote: post #69

Go to Bangkok. Find a Starbucks. Order your drink of choice. Within 30 minutes you will be chatted up by a girl. Enjoy! p.s. This happened to me back in 2003. We were together for three years. Got addicted to the lifestyle in Thailand - eating out with friends every night, going out to the islands, beaches, diving, golf, malls etc. I worked remotely. My g/f had a lot of friends too. It was a lot of fun. Beats eating…

This is the most bizarre comment that might actually make me go visit a place. Sounds like a different world!

haha - yeah! I'd be happy to send you some pics and some of my writings about the place, but I don't know how to do that! Sorry! It is a different world!

Re: Ask HN: Coping with Loneliness

#88

Post by zapperdapper »

muzuq wrote: post #86
zapperdapper wrote: post #69

Go to Bangkok. Find a Starbucks. Order your drink of choice. Within 30 minutes you will be chatted up by a girl. Enjoy! p.s. This happened to me back in 2003. We were together for three years. Got addicted to the lifestyle in Thailand - eating out with friends every night, going out to the islands, beaches, diving, golf, malls etc. I worked remotely. My g/f had a lot of friends too. It was a lot of fun. Beats eating…

Suprisingly alluring comment, haha. Might have to think about it....

DO IT! :)

Re: Ask HN: Coping with Loneliness

#89

Post by seales »

contingencies wrote: post #72

I have moved a lot during my career (Oz/China/Thailand/Europe/US, 8+ cities, now 35) and frequently that meant arriving in a new country or city with zero friends, family or support network and making do, so consider myself well schooled in this problem. The de-facto approach is drinking. Drinking is a great way to meet people but it is often skewed toward young to middle aged people without family so can get old/tir…

Would you mind sharing how you managed to move so much as well as its impact on your career?

Re: Ask HN: Coping with Loneliness

#90

Post by atmosx »

muzuq wrote: post #78
mathgenius wrote: post #74

Two more ideas from me: 1) Toastmasters. This is like alcoholics anonymous for people that are addicted to shyness. And very likely there will be some people there that are even more quiet and introverted than you are. 2) Social dancing. I'm guessing you are male, in which case you will be in high demand. Even if you are overweight & ugly as sin, if you can keep a beat then the girls are gonna want some. If you are a…

It seems like dancing is a super popular suggestion. I keep saying to myself that I'd be no good and it'd be embarassing, not to mention I'm not (never have been) a "dancer" but I'm thinking this swarm intellect might have a point... And perhaps I should seriously consider signing up for a beginner dance class. Any reason why Tango is where the nerds end up?

Hm, if a pugilist can learn how to dance[1], you can too. You don't have to become John Travolta or anything, just knowing the steps is enough most of the times :-)

[1]: Sting - "The night the pugilist learned how to dance" https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SptmkMYQdRs

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