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Ask HN: Coping with Loneliness

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61–70 of 130 posts

Re: Ask HN: Coping with Loneliness

#61

I've been struggling to begin rehabilitating and changing my home environment. I went through hell with a series of offensively noisy and aggressively inconsiderate neighbors. So, I avoided home. And I didn't invite people over. And, as the months wore into years, my home took on aspects of neglect. I was "trapped" at first by some circumstances I didn't deal with well. Then more thoroughly by the self-reinforcing na…

OK, I've been in the same situation with the same type of terrible neighbours.

So let me make this simple. Get Out ASAP! Do whatever it takes to get out of there as soon as possible, but every day you stay your mental health will deteriorate. Cost should not be an issue here.

When you get out, ensure you are in a somewhat flexible situation, rent instead of buy etc. It'll take some time to heal and your preferences or needs might change during that time.

Things will be so much better afterwards. In retrospect, I can only say that for everyone in this situation, their first priority should be getting out.

Good Luck !

Re: Ask HN: Coping with Loneliness

#62
post #58

Earlier quoted context omitted.

> Forget about introversion vs extraversion. Its waste of time. What makes you say that? I ask because I've also become slightly sceptical of the idea. Is there real, empirical evidence for people being one or the other? I remember hearing someone on a podcast (I think it was Ramit Sethi) talking about "Introvert Porn", where he's saying there's all this stuff online basically reassuring introverts that it's part of…

Introversion and extroversion is really a scale, but most people use it in a binary way. Plus, it varies by the context. It has also taken on it's own social meaning. For example, shyness is often associated with introversion and that may not be the right way to look at it.

> Plus, it varies by the context

I guess this is the core of my question. How much is something allowed to vary by context before it's basically rendered meaningless as an idea?

Re: Ask HN: Coping with Loneliness

#63
Hmm...

I find it hard too.

What I do right now is: 1. Suck it up. This kind of works quite well for me, since I've also done meditation retreats in which you'll be forced to learn to deal with it. 2. If you don't have much time to go outside, then make it more of a point to call people. 3. Find something to do. Changing your attention to something else in which you can get engrossed in is definitely a good thing :)

Re: Ask HN: Coping with Loneliness

#64
I spent around 5 years crippled by this very issue, to the point where I was so lonely I was terrified of any social contact, and close to not wanting to continue. It took just as long to 'recover' from this very real issue. You are in no way alone with this issue, and I think is really felt throughout the IT industry.

The way I am learning to overcome my loneliness and social anxiety issues, is be forcing myself to go out with people when I am invited, and to exercise (perhaps to the extreme) with cycling, climbing, swimming, running, etc.

Remember however that loneliness is not something that anyone else can solve other then yourself. You may need to change your situation, and surround yourself with people similar to yourself, and understanding kind people if possible.

As others have said loneliness is a problem of situation, and lack of contact with others. Your absolutely doing the right thing by reaching out and talking about it however!

Re: Ask HN: Coping with Loneliness

#65
post #56

Forget about introversion vs extraversion. Its waste of time. Learn about attachement theory.

Or you can look at the science:

"A 2012 study completed by Randy Buckner of Harvard University discovered that introverts tended to have larger, thicker gray matter in their prefrontal cortex — a region of the brain that is linked to abstract thought and decision-making — while extroverts had less gray matter. Buckner concluded that this might be accountable for introverts’ tendencies to sit in a corner and ponder things thoroughly before making a decision, and extroverts’ ability to live in the moment and take risks without fully thinking everything through (which has its cons and benefits, of course)."

We have different brain responses to arousal hormones - which is what allows introverts to do the abstract stuff that extroverts can't manage.

What you win on the swings, you lose on the roundabouts.

Re: Ask HN: Coping with Loneliness

#67
I am extremely introverted, but one of the social activities I've found that actually DOESN'T drain me is going to game nights at my local game stores. Most stores have something going on every night, ranging from standard issue board games to RPGs to miniatures tabletop games. It's amazingly easy to make friends when you're all engrossed in whatever setting you're gaming in!

Re: Ask HN: Coping with Loneliness

#68

Talk about your loneliness with anonymous strangers in the chatrooms. Reiterate your pain points to them. Never reveal your identity, never meet them. You are not looking to make a connection. The goal is to get bored with what ails you. After telling about why you feel bad 20 times to 20 different people your brain gets bored with this narrative. Then it moves on to more interesting things and you stop feeling bad.…

> Remember, loneliness is not being alone. It's feeling bad about it. I agree with the first part, but not with the second. IMO, loneliness is not feeling bad about being alone, it is suffering from being alone. All four combinations of alone/lonely are more or less common. Personally, I find the "not alone/lonely" combination hardest to take: feeling alone among people. Realizing that made me spend more time on my o…

You are right. "Suffering from it." is much better way of describing it than "Feeling bad about it."

Re: Ask HN: Coping with Loneliness

#69
Go to Bangkok. Find a Starbucks. Order your drink of choice. Within 30 minutes you will be chatted up by a girl. Enjoy! p.s. This happened to me back in 2003. We were together for three years. Got addicted to the lifestyle in Thailand - eating out with friends every night, going out to the islands, beaches, diving, golf, malls etc. I worked remotely. My g/f had a lot of friends too. It was a lot of fun. Beats eating dinner alone in front of the TV - which was my life before going there. Seriously though, if you want to change your life go to Thailand.

Re: Ask HN: Coping with Loneliness

#70
post #55
post #35

Earlier quoted context omitted.

>Swipe on a few Tinder profiles and see if you can strike up a conversation. I would strongly advice against that. Research has shown that the use of Tinder decreases the self-worthyness of in particular male users.

I strongly agree with this. Internet dating generally has become a toxic experience for men. It definitely increased my feelings of loneliness. Anyone who is already lonely or lacking self-esteem should stay well away.

I'm not familiar with the current generation of dating apps, but I met my wife on plentyoffish a few years ago. I also was a lonely introvert and provide my experience as an example to the OP:

I was in a very similar situation to the OP, an introvert who's career and interest led to a state of near constant solitude. I lived this way for over 10 years. I had a weekly routine; weekend was going to the store and househould maintenance, weekdays were going to work and fiddling with side projects after work. I would visit family every few months. But otherwise I was entirely alone. I feel that I am a true introvert, and relished it for few years, but it ground on me. Later I realized that I could die and no one would know for weeks. This was profoundly saddening to me.

I used online dating off and on for years with no success, and a lot of frustration as the parent indicates. It can be crushing to message 20 women and get zero responses. Over the years I worked on tweaking a message (a/b testing essentially) to see what would get responses, got some flattering photos to use. Then after I started getting some responses, and going on a few dates, still nothing. At one point I gave up for good, decided I was asexual and unlovable, and resolved to live out my life alone.

I won't say I was ever depressed, I do have a melancholy disposition. I experienced one episode of real depression for maybe a day, it was a dark pit, I couldn't stand to live. Luckily it only lasted a day, and never returned. That episode showed me how bad depression can really be. Not a constant state of being down or blue, but grinding darkness that makes your own skin unbearable. It was terrifying.

What drove me out of all this was series of illnesses with my parents. I had always imagined I'd get married have kids, but had zero success dating. I realized if I ever had kids, they wouldn't know my parents if I didn't act. So I got back on the horse, systematically used plentyoffish to date a lot (edit; well, less than 10 so not a lot) of girls and eventually met my wife and we have two kids.

Nowadays, I'm happier than I've ever been, but things aren't perfect. Being married is hard, particularly since my wife and I were both older when we met and "set in our ways". She's not the easiest person to live and neither am I. Our kids are a joy though. I get zero alone time now, which also grates on me. I REALLY need it, and my spouse is not sympathetic.

My wife says about herself "I was lonely wierdo, until I met you, now I'm not lonely, just wierd", which also applies to me, which amuses us.

Anyway all that's my .02, you're not alone, and that was my path.

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