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How to make a friend fast

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Re: How to make a friend fast

#151

Post by Steeeve »

suneilp wrote: post #115

This is fascinating. I have for a long time been the introverted socially incompetent and weird (partially) one. A lot of that has changed for me recently. Going to Brazilian Jiu-Jitsu for a year now and doing more yoga has really helped me to figure out a lot of traumatic issues from the past, especially with racism during childhood. It's really reduced my fear of socializing with people. I'm now somewhere in betwee…

> I'm now somewhere in between extrovert and introvert

I was in a class a year or so ago and everyone had to align themselves to a side... introvert or extrovert.

I tend to zero out on those things because I have worked pretty hard at being social. But when the instructor said "extroverts are energized by social interaction", "introverts are drained" it was very clear to me where I stood. The bigger the crowd, the harder it is (for me).

I like people. I like going out and doing things. Until I don't. Then I need my space. It really is hard to grasp that people have entirely different ranges of physical and emotional responses to social interaction.

I'll tell you what though... the more people I have in my life regularly the happier on the whole that I am. That's why I've worked at being social. It's not always easy. Sometimes it's a drain. But it's important.

Re: How to make a friend fast

#153

Post by TheSpiceIsLife »

coldtea wrote: post #144
jondubois wrote: post #134

Earlier quoted context omitted.

Lack of resources can make the kindest, most altruistic person behave in extremely ugly, selfish ways. You don't know who someone is until you see them go through poverty. Also, you don't know who you are yourself until you experience that terrible feeling of scarcity. For me, greed is the worst human attribute. When I see rich people being greedy, I find it hard to imagine how much worse they would be as human being…

> You don't know who someone is until you see them go through poverty. The inverse is also true: you don't know who someone is until a) they get rich and/or powerful (and change), b) you go to poverty (and e.g. they prove to be only "fair weather friends"). And I would just more harshly someone who reveals themselves to do bad things or be a bad friend when they get rich or when you get poor, than someone doing bad s…

I think we vastly underestimate how much of an affect our environment-the circumstances we find ourselves in—has on us.

Different aspects of our personality are revealed, or developed(?), in different settings. Temperature, time of day, how tense our muscles / tendons feel, how well we sleep, I think we underestimate how much all of these contribute to what we call 'personality'.

Re: How to make a friend fast

#154

Post by Bakary »

iosDrone wrote: post #129

Things like this are why people laugh at Silicon Valley, this is a very aspie/robotic approach to this topic.

What's interesting to note is that no matter how you dress it up, human beings are indeed biological machines and respond in surprisingly predictable ways. The companies which specialize in data gathering and analysis are increasingly able to corroborate this observation with concrete examples and algorithms. It's of course a tautology, but "normal" social interactions are just that: a set of arbitrary norms. Normal people are just as robotic as aspies in the sense that they mechanically respond to stimulus, except that we've collectively agreed on a delineation between what is considered robotic and what isn't.

It sounds abstract but you can immediately understand the idea simply by describing human behavior in literal terms and focus on the feeling of unease you experience from doing so.

Besides, if people manage to build strong connections with the scientific method, is that really so bad?

Re: How to make a friend fast

#155

Post by trevyn »

cs2818 wrote: post #86

Maybe it's because I find this research area intriguing, but I did not think that this summary adequately captured the efforts of the original paper [0]. I think it was unfortunate that this piece did not begin by conveying that the original study's authors specifically state their goal "was to develop a temporary feeling of closeness, not an actual ongoing relationship". Additionally, like many social psychology stu…

Thanks for the link. I was wondering what was going on with the ego/gender split:

"This pattern is consistent with Erikson's idea that low ego-identity individuals fear cross-sex intimacy in which they might lose their identity and thus get close only if they feel they can protect themselves from too much intimacy. For the same-sex pairings in the 45-min classroom version, the opposite interaction was found -- consistent with Erikson's idea that same-sex friendships for those who have not developed ego identity serve as identity supports, but for those who have developed an identity, they serve as sources of undesired conformity that threatens one's individuated identity."

Re: How to make a friend fast

#156

Post by aninhumer »

icebraining wrote: post #130
xapata wrote: post #99

Earlier quoted context omitted.

> consider you ... weirdo Unlikely. After all, they'd expect you to act the same way as them -- friendly despite not being a friend.

I think the idea is that you consider that friendly conversation as a start of a friendship whereas the other person doesn't, so it might be awkward when you call them up for a beer or something.

There's no binary relationship status that suddenly switches people from "casual chat" to "going out for beers". What makes inviting someone out for a beer expected and normal is that your relationship is one where you often invite them out for beer. That means if you've never done it before, it's probably going to be a little bit awkward regardless. (Unless there's a culture of inviting random new people for beer, which is not uncommon.)

But unless you're absolute strangers, I don't think many people are going to think "weirdo", they'll just be slightly surprised.

Re: How to make a friend fast

#157

Post by cJ0th »

ascorbic wrote: post #148
cJ0th wrote: post #142

Earlier quoted context omitted.

Are these types widely acknowledged? To me it looks like the Barnum-effect is at work.

Attachment theory has a sound experimental basis, and is the dominant model used in the study of child behaviour. Its use with adults is less dominant, but is still very much mainstream psychological practice.

Thanks for the clarification. I might should look into some issues then ;)

Re: How to make a friend fast

#158

Post by aninhumer »

Mz wrote: post #83
joshlemer wrote: post #82

Earlier quoted context omitted.

It sounds like you just have a thing against explicitly planning the process of making friends.

No. I just have had very strong, close relationships throughout my life. Talking to someone for a mere 45 minutes is not a big flipping deal. See: https://news.ycombinator.com/item?id=14732892

And I think this is exactly the problem.

People who are already socially confident don't think about these processes because they just happen naturally for them. You meet someone, chat with them, and then sometimes you become friends. So when someone comes along and outlines the process, it seems clinical and detached, and thus kinda creepy.

Certainly it was my reaction when I first started seeing things like this. "If you're thinking about it, you don't really care about the people. Real relationships just happen naturally!"

But of course, for some people they don't just happen, and these kinds of outlines can be very helpful.

Re: How to make a friend fast

#159

Post by sideshowb »

kharms wrote: post #59

Does anyone know what is meant by "high ego identities" and "low ego identities?"

This question has bothered me for a long time! As far as I can tell there are a whole bunch of different things people mean by 'ego' and without an agreed upon way to measure it, it's hard to know whether any two people are really talking about the same thing.

Re: How to make a friend fast

#160

Post by ramblerman »

flyGuyOnTheSly wrote: post #94

Makes enough sense to me... If you don't know anything about anybody... like the homeless man rummaging through my recycling bin right now looking for bottles... It's easy to look down on them or just write them off. But if a neighbour told me anything about that same man... perhaps that he lost his job last year and thus just tries to supplement his income by picking up bottles in his spare time... I would feel imme…

These are different effect imo.

You are talking about the motivation behind a story, which might give you more compassion for the motives an individual held.

That's quite different from saying that putting you in a room with said homeless man and sharing life stories for 45 minutes is going to build a significant connection between you two.

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