How to make a friend fast • Hacker News Board

Re: How to make a friend fast

#81

Post by Mz » Mon, Jul 10, 2017, 2:46 AM UTC

donretag wrote: post #31

"Low ego-identity makes same-sex pairs closer, high ego-identity makes cross-sex pairs closer" Perhaps this statement is true, but is the end goal for both parties the same? For some reason, I find myself befriending mainly females (I am male). Yes, I have a high ego. However, I can never tell if the other person is interested in a friendship or something more. I always want to put them in the friend zone, but I have…

How much time (hours per week) are you spending with female friends, especially one-on-one? And do they have other strong friendships? And are they getting their romantic/sexual needs met elsewhere?

Re: How to make a friend fast

#82

Post by joshlemer » Mon, Jul 10, 2017, 2:47 AM UTC

Mz wrote: post #72

Animats wrote: post #17

That reads like the instructions on pick-up artist forums.

Yeah: "How to create the delusion of closeness to get her out of her panties. Step one..."

It sounds like you just have a thing against explicitly planning the process of making friends.

Re: How to make a friend fast

#83

Post by Mz » Mon, Jul 10, 2017, 2:48 AM UTC

joshlemer wrote: post #82

Mz wrote: post #72

Earlier quoted context omitted.

Yeah: "How to create the delusion of closeness to get her out of her panties. Step one..."

It sounds like you just have a thing against explicitly planning the process of making friends.

No. I just have had very strong, close relationships throughout my life. Talking to someone for a mere 45 minutes is not a big flipping deal.

See: https://news.ycombinator.com/item?id=14732892

Re: How to make a friend fast

#84

Post by slackingoff2017 » Mon, Jul 10, 2017, 2:54 AM UTC

Mz wrote: post #61

Does that mean that some close, naturally-forming relationships don't get nurtured as lovingly as was achieved in a 45-minute conversation? As one more random data point: I am a chatty extravert. Sometimes people imagine they are close to me when they are not.

> Sometimes people imagine they are close to me when they are not.

Ah yes, my greatest fear interacting with people confirmed.

Re: How to make a friend fast

#85

Post by Mz » Mon, Jul 10, 2017, 2:56 AM UTC

slackingoff2017 wrote: post #84

Mz wrote: post #61

Does that mean that some close, naturally-forming relationships don't get nurtured as lovingly as was achieved in a 45-minute conversation? As one more random data point: I am a chatty extravert. Sometimes people imagine they are close to me when they are not.

> Sometimes people imagine they are close to me when they are not. Ah yes, my greatest fear interacting with people confirmed.

You fear people will imagine you are close? Or you fear people won't feel close to you when you feel close?

Re: How to make a friend fast

#86

Post by cs2818 » Mon, Jul 10, 2017, 3:00 AM UTC

Maybe it's because I find this research area intriguing, but I did not think that this summary adequately captured the efforts of the original paper [0].

I think it was unfortunate that this piece did not begin by conveying that the original study's authors specifically state their goal "was to develop a temporary feeling of closeness, not an actual ongoing relationship".

Additionally, like many social psychology studies the nuances of the design and methodology are extremely valuable, yet this piece deems them as "dry" and mostly "devoid of enthusiasm". Anyone who has contributed to the design of substantial social psychology studies can tell you just how carefully each of these details is considered in design, implementation, and analysis. The original article [0] is full of detail, context, and discussion, and is definitely worth a read.

[0] https://psychodramaaustralia.edu.au/sites/default/files/fall...

Re: How to make a friend fast

#87

Post by flycaliguy » Mon, Jul 10, 2017, 3:05 AM UTC

maxerickson wrote: post #62

phaed wrote: post #43

I think I might have permanently damaged my vision with that #FFF on #000 color scheme. I still see text floating in the air.

Try relaxing.

Still a poor colour combo

Re: How to make a friend fast

#88

Post by mistermann » Mon, Jul 10, 2017, 3:06 AM UTC

Mz wrote: post #85

slackingoff2017 wrote: post #84

Earlier quoted context omitted.

> Sometimes people imagine they are close to me when they are not. Ah yes, my greatest fear interacting with people confirmed.

You fear people will imagine you are close? Or you fear people won't feel close to you when you feel close?

Being unable to tell the difference between someone that likes you versus someone who is just being polite, and if you consider them a "friend" and act "accordingly" they would consider you a socially incompetent weirdo.

Re: How to make a friend fast

#89

Post by bayonetz » Mon, Jul 10, 2017, 3:09 AM UTC

Mz wrote: post #61

Does that mean that some close, naturally-forming relationships don't get nurtured as lovingly as was achieved in a 45-minute conversation? As one more random data point: I am a chatty extravert. Sometimes people imagine they are close to me when they are not.

It's a mental model thing. Speaking freely (and probably self-disclosing along the way) is usually a sign of getting/being close. They see that behavior and think if they exhibited it, that's what it would mean. Which I think is a great example of how there are different "types" whether it be personality types, attachment types, what have you. Once you recognize there are types and that to a first approximation there are a finite, manageable amount of different types, you can learn how they differ and not get trapped by mistaking your mental model for everyone else's mental model. It seems obvious yet people seem to repeatedly make this same mistake as demonstrated by OPs experience.

Re: How to make a friend fast

#90

Post by Danihan » Mon, Jul 10, 2017, 3:15 AM UTC

kharms wrote: post #59

Does anyone know what is meant by "high ego identities" and "low ego identities?"

I was wondering this too. I'm pretty sure I have both.

For instance, I fundamentally think I'm pretty great when compared to any "average person." And even most "high-functioning" people. However, I realize that talent is essentially meaningless in the grand scheme of things without tons of social proof you're always perceived as a nobody, so I still work my ass off and try not to let my own aptitude go to my head.

Is that high-ego or low-ego?