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How to Become Well-Connected

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Re: How to Become Well-Connected

#111

Post by steffan »

socmag wrote: post #72
mindcrime wrote: post #46

Earlier quoted context omitted.

I studied a little bit of NLP, and definitely think it has the potential to be useful. But in reality, I rarely, if ever, use the stuff (at least not consciously).

Right, NLP as a "Science" is kind of crackpot, but there are some things in the texts that are truisms and worthy of note just because they are laid out concisely. It can be very dangerous and malicious to use that basic knowledge of how to conduct a conversation to do what? .. "make people feel special and you care when you absolutely don't give a damn about them", and the conversation is purely a means to an end. T…

I would love to hear the story behind this.

Re: How to Become Well-Connected

#112

Post by kordless »

maccard wrote: post #53
kordless wrote: post #39

> How to Become Well-Connected > “If you find yourself keeping score in your professional relationships, you’re on the wrong track.” Being "well connected" is an objective here, given it's lead by "how to". That intent leads to keeping score, so it's less than obvious how to resolve becoming well connected without keeping score. Not giving a shit about what others think is the SECOND step to the enlightenment. The FI…

> I no longer give a shit what anyone thinks about what I say I don't agree. I think it's important to take into account what other people think, otherwise you're saying "I'm an ass, deal with it". However, It's important to say what you mean, even if you know the person you are speaking to doesn't agree.

Trimming someone's comment to suit a desired reply is akin to speaking for someone. Read the comment again. Empathy for others is included. Accepting blame (giving a shit) is not.

Re: How to Become Well-Connected

#113

Post by kordless »

maccard wrote: post #53
kordless wrote: post #39

> How to Become Well-Connected > “If you find yourself keeping score in your professional relationships, you’re on the wrong track.” Being "well connected" is an objective here, given it's lead by "how to". That intent leads to keeping score, so it's less than obvious how to resolve becoming well connected without keeping score. Not giving a shit about what others think is the SECOND step to the enlightenment. The FI…

> I no longer give a shit what anyone thinks about what I say I don't agree. I think it's important to take into account what other people think, otherwise you're saying "I'm an ass, deal with it". However, It's important to say what you mean, even if you know the person you are speaking to doesn't agree.

Trimming someone's comment to suit a desired reply is akin to speaking for someone. Read the comment again. Empathy for others is included. Accepting blame (giving a shit) is not.

Re: How to Become Well-Connected

#116

Post by paradite »

ryandrake wrote: post #37

I consider myself reasonably outgoing, but I've always viewed "networking" as kind of slimy and insincere. At a fundamental level, population A has little to offer / little power and population B has a lot, and networking is the set of personal interactions that population A employs in order to have a shot at interacting/transacting with population B. The "hunter/hunted" relationship mentioned in this article is a ke…

This is definitely true for some people at some events. But it's entirely possible to make genuine and more personal interactions beyond the surface level. You just have to be genuine yourself. I have a pretty positive view on networking:

https://news.ycombinator.com/item?id=13961069

Re: How to Become Well-Connected

#117

Post by bitexploder »

chrisdone wrote: post #101
ryandrake wrote: post #37

I consider myself reasonably outgoing, but I've always viewed "networking" as kind of slimy and insincere. At a fundamental level, population A has little to offer / little power and population B has a lot, and networking is the set of personal interactions that population A employs in order to have a shot at interacting/transacting with population B. The "hunter/hunted" relationship mentioned in this article is a ke…

I generally get a slimy feeling whenever I interact with someone who is clearly applying some kind of rules of how to interact, make you feel comfortable and listened to, nodding at the right times and fake-laughing on cue, all the while I feel more and more uncomfortable and alienated. There are certain things you've either got or haven't got. You can't read a book to be good with people any more than to become a go…

This reminds me of the lessons in Give and Take by Adam Grant. There is almost a Zen aspect of sincere networking. The more your end goal is to simply network with others and increase your network the less sincere you are likely to operate. However if you go to an event or gathering with a genuine curiosity and freely listen to others with no expectation of return and develop an ability to actually care (in that moment, at least, but really more deeply) your network will easily grow. Events and conversations have often led to cool places when I have interacted with others with no expectation of return.

Grant would just say you are acting as a Giver in the social context. This is very powerful and people react to it. A lot of people get good at purposefully faking being a Giver, precisely because your sole intention is to manipulate with forethought about how you can come out ahead (take) or at least come out equal to others in a social setting. Pure takers are honestly a little creepy because it shows a rather high level of self focus that (in my experience) tends to make someone a negative.

Re: How to Become Well-Connected

#118

Post by bitexploder »

pdimitar wrote: post #103
chrisdone wrote: post #101

Earlier quoted context omitted.

I generally get a slimy feeling whenever I interact with someone who is clearly applying some kind of rules of how to interact, make you feel comfortable and listened to, nodding at the right times and fake-laughing on cue, all the while I feel more and more uncomfortable and alienated. There are certain things you've either got or haven't got. You can't read a book to be good with people any more than to become a go…

It's pretty much a gift that you're either born with or have to work your soul off to attain (not directly; more like "let life beat you up so bad that you find yourself humble and respectful"). I too dislike the people who poorly fake the techniques to win over people. My immediate subconscious reaction is: "They have no other skills and they are desperate to increase their network. Do they have any real skills?"

I would argue you can network easily with others by simply having a genuine interest in what they are doing and what they have to tell you about it. Not a gift. Minimal skill required. Most people generally want to tell you all about what they are doing and it takes very little prompting other than genuine questions.

The gift you refer to is, to me, mostly being good at understanding and purposefully manipulating the emotional state of other people to achieve whatever goal you have.

Re: How to Become Well-Connected

#119

Post by danenania »

goatherders wrote: post #110
ryandrake wrote: post #37

I consider myself reasonably outgoing, but I've always viewed "networking" as kind of slimy and insincere. At a fundamental level, population A has little to offer / little power and population B has a lot, and networking is the set of personal interactions that population A employs in order to have a shot at interacting/transacting with population B. The "hunter/hunted" relationship mentioned in this article is a ke…

I always like comments where people are critical of a "sales pitch" while ignoring the fact that such an aCT exists because it communicates value and provides a person with info they need. In other words, sales pitches work. So does networking...when done properly.

I think part of it is that only a bad sales pitch really comes off as a sales pitch to begin with. A good one feels like a helpful recommendation. Networking is similar--good networking feels like making friends, not something transactional. So when people think of sales or networking and get the creeps, it's because they're mainly remembering all the bad examples.

Re: How to Become Well-Connected

#120

Post by JackFr »

cookiecaper wrote: post #68
AndrewKemendo wrote: post #57

Earlier quoted context omitted.

It doesn't have to be in a "the person who does X" way. I'd disagree with this. Otherwise what good are you if you aren't "the person who does X?" Is there someone out there who thousands of people explicitly only want to take a coffee break with? I mean I want to have a coffee break with a lot of people, but not cause they are good coffee drinkers, but because they have made significant progress in some thing I care…

You don't need to become famous. People strongly value personal affectations over professional skill. Failure to acknowledge this is simply wishful thinking. Consider that most of your indirect colleagues are not well-versed enough to know whether you're doing your job well or not in the first place. Why are so many clowns in positions with high rank, and so many better-qualified people are further down the totem pol…

I think this is a cop out.

Soft skills are real, they are skills and they have have value in both in professional and personal settings.

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