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How to Become Well-Connected

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Re: How to Become Well-Connected

#81
post #45

Earlier quoted context omitted.

I think there is also of course the distinction of the known VS unknown person doing something worth connecting to. Lots of people who are doing things that probably are not worth much consideration are simply good at selling themselves as something greater and vice versa. So if you believe you are doing something worth connecting to, you better be ready to sell yourself as well. Or risk drowning in the noise. FULL D…

That's the point here. There are a lot of people out there applying these principals who don't really do shit, but by god they are "well connected." You see them at all these entrepreneur events and all they do is waste everyone's time with their bullshit. In the end it doesn't matter how well connected they are because they have no vector and no capabilities. These are the guys who consistently tell you how they are…

You apply the principles to the principals.

Re: How to Become Well-Connected

#82
post #47

Earlier quoted context omitted.

These examples are so lame because they are both contrived. If someone is going to answer "yes/no" to you trying to make a conversation asking if they like math, they could easily shut down the other path as well. For example: You: "So, where did you go to school?" Them: "Berkeley" You: "Nice. Why did you pick Berkeley?" Them: "It has a good academic reputation." You: "A good academic reputation for what?" Them: "CS…

Sure, but the point is that some kinds of questions are more likely to yield interesting conversations than others. Nothing is guaranteed, of course.

For what it's worth, I got your point through the examples and I think that posing the right questions to get to more fruitful territory is an excellent observation. The question is how to identify which questions lead to good conversation and which questions risk shutting it down. Avoiding obvious yes/no questions is one way, or at least use those questions sparingly, but try to go elsewhere.

I currently read the pen-and-paper RPG Microscope, and one rule in the game is that before a scene you select a question to direct the action. The scene concludes when the question has been answered. There's no game master so all players collaborate to create characters and answer the scene question.

The game text says "The best questions are extremely specific. Vague questions are bad and lead to confusing or muddled scenes. Open-ended questions can work, but you will get much better scenes out of very loaded or incriminating questions."

The game goes on to list examples:

"If you have an idea you want to explore, don't hesitate to stack the deck and make your question more specific. A simple formula is to just add more conditions or 'even though' twists to establish clear issues.

'How does the Alliance beat the invaders?' is a good starting point, but that's a very open-ended scene.

'How does the Alliance beat the invaders even though they're outnumbered and outgunned?' is more specific. We have a better idea of the situation.

'Is the Alliance willing to sacrifice the colony on Sigma VII to beat the invaders even though the colonists will get slaughtered in the process?' is better still because it gives us a clear situation, an obvious dilemma."

Finally, on good questions:

"It may not immediately be clear why a question is interesting. Don't be alarmed. Once you ask the question, the other players get to jump in and run with it. They may have ideas you didn't even consider. So long as your question gets everyone on the same page about the scene, you're in good shape."

This relates to what hueving said. The game assumes that the other players want to turn your questions into something interesting, and that you collaborate to create something great. If the other players are hostile or indifferent, they can ignore your question and take the scene in a completely different direction so that it never ends, but the point is that some questions have a better chance of keeping things on track. The same with other people. If you're talking to someone indifferent to hostile, they can obviously shoot down all conversation, but if they're indifferent to positive, you may have a chance to interest them.

I looked up Kezia Noble on YouTube, having never heard of her. I think your summary of what she says was more interesting than her videos, at least the first one I watched on how to specifically talk to women in the fashion industry. But in another video she said something interesting on posing questions that take the other person off auto pilot. If you ask "So what do you do?" and they answer "I'm a teacher." and you say "Do you like it?" they'll probably say "Oh, it's OK." or something similar. They (and you) are on auto pilot, and have probably both had this exact exchange before with other people. If you instead ask "So what made you choose teaching?" you'll perhaps take them off script and force them to think, which is a good thing because it makes them more engaged in the conversation. I think it relates to the RPG suggestions above to be a bit more specific with the questions, and to try to add some kind of twist to the question to make the other person think.

Re: How to Become Well-Connected

#83
post #12

Earlier quoted context omitted.

Yep, this article is a re-hash of what Dale Carnegie started teaching over 100 years ago. My main takeaway from that class was to ask enough questions when I meet someone so that I can to steer the conversation toward a mutual interest. After that the personal connection is made and conversation is fun and easy. The best way to make an impression on someone is to ask questions about them until you find some

The best way to make an impression on someone is to ask questions about them until you find some Yes, but you have to be careful or you can make the person feel like they are being interrogated. Maybe not quite to the level of shining a bright light in their face and asking "where were you at 8:00pm on the night of January 23rd", but still, an endless stream of questions - done poorly - can make people feel uncomfort…

>Elicit more complex responses, make statements, lead off of their complex answers, don't just suddenly branch off to something unrelated, etc.

Absolutely no need to optimize here. Just do what Dale Carnegie told on the book: "Become genuinely interested in the other person".

Interview questions like that will always sound like an interview.

Re: How to Become Well-Connected

#84
post #12

Earlier quoted context omitted.

Yep, this article is a re-hash of what Dale Carnegie started teaching over 100 years ago. My main takeaway from that class was to ask enough questions when I meet someone so that I can to steer the conversation toward a mutual interest. After that the personal connection is made and conversation is fun and easy. The best way to make an impression on someone is to ask questions about them until you find some

The best way to make an impression on someone is to ask questions about them until you find some Yes, but you have to be careful or you can make the person feel like they are being interrogated. Maybe not quite to the level of shining a bright light in their face and asking "where were you at 8:00pm on the night of January 23rd", but still, an endless stream of questions - done poorly - can make people feel uncomfort…

>Elicit more complex responses, make statements, lead off of their complex answers, don't just suddenly branch off to something unrelated, etc.

Absolutely no need to optimize here. Just do what Dale Carnegie told on the book: "Become genuinely intererested in the other person".

Interview questions like that will always sound like an interview.

Re: How to Become Well-Connected

#85

Earlier quoted context omitted.

Sure, but the point is that some kinds of questions are more likely to yield interesting conversations than others. Nothing is guaranteed, of course.

For what it's worth, I got your point through the examples and I think that posing the right questions to get to more fruitful territory is an excellent observation. The question is how to identify which questions lead to good conversation and which questions risk shutting it down. Avoiding obvious yes/no questions is one way, or at least use those questions sparingly, but try to go elsewhere. I currently read the pe…

I looked up Kezia Noble on YouTube, having never heard of her. I think your summary of what she says was more interesting than her videos, at least the first one I watched on how to specifically talk to women in the fashion industry.

Oh yeah, I should have considered that if somebody went looking for her on Youtube they might find something different than the material I watched. Some of her stuff is straight-up "how to meet women" stuff, but quite a bit of it isn't. In particular, I'm thinking of her program called, IIRC, "The Ten Hook Lead System".

But in another video she said something interesting on posing questions that take the other person off auto pilot. If you ask "So what do you do?" and they answer "I'm a teacher." and you say "Do you like it?" they'll probably say "Oh, it's OK." or something similar. They (and you) are on auto pilot, and have probably both had this exact exchange before with other people. If you instead ask "So what made you choose teaching?" you'll perhaps take them off script and force them to think, which is a good thing because it makes them more engaged in the conversation.

Yep, that's more in line with the stuff I remember from her. And that applies to plenty of other contexts besides trying to "pick up" date or whatever.

Re: How to Become Well-Connected

#86
post #12

Earlier quoted context omitted.

Yep, this article is a re-hash of what Dale Carnegie started teaching over 100 years ago. My main takeaway from that class was to ask enough questions when I meet someone so that I can to steer the conversation toward a mutual interest. After that the personal connection is made and conversation is fun and easy. The best way to make an impression on someone is to ask questions about them until you find some

The best way to make an impression on someone is to ask questions about them until you find some Yes, but you have to be careful or you can make the person feel like they are being interrogated. Maybe not quite to the level of shining a bright light in their face and asking "where were you at 8:00pm on the night of January 23rd", but still, an endless stream of questions - done poorly - can make people feel uncomfort…

> where were you at 8:00pm on the night of January 23rd

HAH! There was no 8:00pm on that night! Time skipped from 7:59pm to 9:00pm! Nice try.

Re: How to Become Well-Connected

#87
post #12
post #2

Dale Carnegie 101 https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/How_to_Win_Friends_and_Influen...

Yep, this article is a re-hash of what Dale Carnegie started teaching over 100 years ago. My main takeaway from that class was to ask enough questions when I meet someone so that I can to steer the conversation toward a mutual interest. After that the personal connection is made and conversation is fun and easy. The best way to make an impression on someone is to ask questions about them until you find some

Carnegie's book boils down to one important principle, which he mentions but doesn't necessarily emphasize. The key to winning friends and influencing people: make them feel important. The rest of it is details, and probably details you've heard a lot before, since the culture has had a long time to internalize HTWFAIP (still a good read).

Our egos drive our behavior. The best way to boil Carnegie down is to always ask "Is the person's sense of importance going to be flattered or offended by this? How can I phrase it in a way that will at least not offend their importance, if I can't flatter it?"

This was a really good handle for me because I do believe that everyone is [potentially] important, and it makes sense to me that we should respect that fact in all interactions. It makes sense that people would avoid those who damage their own sense of self-importance, which they have every right to have.

This realization took away a lot of the reticence I felt around hand-crafted social experiences. It doesn't really require you to be untruthful in any way, or prevent you from getting your point across; it just gives a good guideline for how to do so sensitively.

Don't know if it will click for anyone else, but that's what did it for me.

Re: How to Become Well-Connected

#88

This whole thing has a huge assumption behind it: That you're someone worth being connected to. His distinction between the Hunted and the Hunters is great, but 99% of people don't fall into the "Hunted" category unless they are doing something exceptional - and even those doing something exceptional aren't typically hunted. So while I think this is a good list, and it's pretty bog standard Carnegie/How to read peopl…

I don't think you have to be doing something interesting to be worth conned to. I know plenty of people who are just very pleasant to deal with and are well connected without having special skills. I am not one of them...

Re: How to Become Well-Connected

#89
post #51

Earlier quoted context omitted.

> This whole thing has a huge assumption behind it: That you're someone worth being connected to. Then make yourself worth being connected to. It doesn't have to be in a "the person who does X" way. It can be as simple as the person people want to take a coffee break with, or the person you want to go for beers with, or the person you ask to help when you move!

It doesn't have to be in a "the person who does X" way. I'd disagree with this. Otherwise what good are you if you aren't "the person who does X?" Is there someone out there who thousands of people explicitly only want to take a coffee break with? I mean I want to have a coffee break with a lot of people, but not cause they are good coffee drinkers, but because they have made significant progress in some thing I care…

Just be a nice person. That'd not easy if you don't have the social skills but it works for a lot of people.
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