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The widowhood effect: What it’s like to lose a spouse in your 30s

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Re: The widowhood effect: What it’s like to lose a spouse in your 30s

#41

Post by NamTaf »

erikpukinskis wrote: post #38
NamTaf wrote: post #37

This resonated with me, thank you for posting it. I lost my partner of 6 years about 15 months ago when she was 26 and I was 29, completely unexpectedly. Many of the stages the OP touched on are things I see reflected through my experience, both over that period and even in the present day. The part that struck me most of all is the dissonance of having life move on, somewhat without you. Parts of your life keep prog…

You could buy a glass cutter and a picture frame and cut your message out of the mirror. Might be useful to help move on without feeling like the past is destroyed.

Yeh I've considered something like that, it's a good idea. It's a pretty shitty mirror too so replacing it would be nice anyway. It was as much an example of the sort of sentimental hurdles you have to overcome - there's many more than just that.

Re: The widowhood effect: What it’s like to lose a spouse in your 30s

#42

Post by [deleted] »

erikpukinskis wrote: post #38
NamTaf wrote: post #37

This resonated with me, thank you for posting it. I lost my partner of 6 years about 15 months ago when she was 26 and I was 29, completely unexpectedly. Many of the stages the OP touched on are things I see reflected through my experience, both over that period and even in the present day. The part that struck me most of all is the dissonance of having life move on, somewhat without you. Parts of your life keep prog…

You could buy a glass cutter and a picture frame and cut your message out of the mirror. Might be useful to help move on without feeling like the past is destroyed.

[deleted]

Re: The widowhood effect: What it’s like to lose a spouse in your 30s

#43

Post by feydaykyn »

Having lost my child six years ago, I am stricken by the similarities in the ways of grieving, the feelings expressed, the unbearable absence, the disappearing friends... If the past matches, maybe the future will too, and you can hope for the return of laughing, even day-long happiness and peace of mind. One year ago, that wouldn't have been possible.

Many things will still bring you down, a tactless word by an unknowing personn, a movie where suffering is used as a plot twist to make it more real by some damned scenarist who doesn't know what he/she is speaking about, the rage when friends/familly keep forgeting your suffering...

What helped me and may help you: - knowing there can be light at the end of tunnel. Grieving can be kept in check, even if you cannot right now.

- sleeping is vital, everything is uglier when exhausted.

- not expecting non-grieving people to sympathize with you for a long time, even for short period, even in your family. There're very rare exceptions, but try to avoid fighting for sustained awareness, that's a lost bitter battle. Aim for "one shot compassion".

- linking with people who are grieving for the same reasons as you, through forums, non profit, etc. They will understand you and for once you won't need to retreint yourself. Having a free speech place is instrumental !

I am sorry for your loss. I truly am

Re: The widowhood effect: What it’s like to lose a spouse in your 30s

#44

Post by ams6110 »

kalleboo wrote: post #14
quickthrowaway9 wrote: post #5

I've had to post this using a throwaway as I've had to hide this from my employer who only hangs onto me as they don't know the magnitude of the problems we are facing. They think it's a temporary dip in health. That was throughly depressing and a little too close to home at the moment for me. I can't work out if it's better to burn out in 42 days or live for 7-10 years with a crippling immune disorder and constant c…

> I implore anyone to enjoy life as soon as possible. Don't save it for a rainy day. It might never rain. We saved and planned and never got to fulfill our plans. My grandparents saved and made grand plans for trips in retirement, and then my grandfather passed from lung cancer. My parents have always said that money and retirement is wasted on the old, that whole thing should be reversed.

With all due respect and sympathy to those misfortunes described here, it's not a great idea to live only in the moment and never plan for the future. Anecdotal experiences notwithstanding, most people will make it well into retirement, and it's best to be prepared for that.

Re: The widowhood effect: What it’s like to lose a spouse in your 30s

#45

Post by scarface74 »

arisAlexis wrote: post #40

I am interested into why losing a spouse at 30 after 5 years of marriage is considered more difficult than losing one ate 60 after 30 years. is it the unexpected? is it cause if you children there is some continuation? just seeking discussion

My parents just celebrated their 48th anniversary and were high school sweethearts before that and are in their early 70s. They retired at 55, have taken months long vacations and Christmas they were still dancing together and are in pretty good health. I'm sure when one passes they will be devasted but when I talk to them, they seem at peace with their mortality and they've enjoyed a good long life together. They've crossed off their bucket list. I never hear them say that there is anything they wish they could have done together that they haven't. When my parents talk they sound like they have a sense of completeness.

On the other hand, my wife and I are in our early 40s on our second marriages and have only been married five years. There are a lot of things that we still want to do together and memories we want to build. After reading this article, I just wanted to turn over and hold my wife but stopped myself because I have a cold.

Re: The widowhood effect: What it’s like to lose a spouse in your 30s

#46

Post by calvano915 »

ams6110 wrote: post #44
kalleboo wrote: post #14

Earlier quoted context omitted.

> I implore anyone to enjoy life as soon as possible. Don't save it for a rainy day. It might never rain. We saved and planned and never got to fulfill our plans. My grandparents saved and made grand plans for trips in retirement, and then my grandfather passed from lung cancer. My parents have always said that money and retirement is wasted on the old, that whole thing should be reversed.

With all due respect and sympathy to those misfortunes described here, it's not a great idea to live only in the moment and never plan for the future. Anecdotal experiences notwithstanding, most people will make it well into retirement, and it's best to be prepared for that.

Shall we say a balance of both is best? Take opportunities to enjoy life now while investing in a future where you will be free to spend your time as you please and not be forced to work until death.
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