The widowhood effect: What it’s like to lose a spouse in your 30s

I'm so sorry you're having such a tough time. As a father of a 2 young children I know you're right about them - they are wonderful, joyful hard work. Praying that things go as well for you as they can.

Jewish Shiva[0] (not to be confused with the Hindu Shiva) is very effective at giving mourners a tradition to follow on one hand, and helping/forcing them to stay on their feet during the first few days. It is observed by the most secular of Jews, I assume because it fills the need of "what do we do now?" which is especially prevalent at those times.

Additionally, there are traditional longer term mourning customs not cut hair/shave for 30 days, no celebrations for 3 months or 12 months depending whether the lost one is child/sibling or brother, erecting a tombstone no less than 30 days but no later than 1 year after passing, and additional prayers for those who pray. These, however, are practiced to much more varying degrees - none or almost none by the anti-religious secular, to lesser degree by most people, and religiously by religious people.

[0] https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Shiva_%28Judaism%29

You have my condolences.

My mother died at 42, of the effects of a fall. My father remarried after about a year and a half; how heavily the care of my brother and myself weighed in his decision, I can't say. I will say that it must have been five years before he could mention my mother's name without clearing his throat.

I wish that I had something useful to tell you, but really I don't, except that I'd urge you to think very carefully before moving where you now live, at least if the children are old enough to have formed friendships.

This resonated with me, thank you for posting it.

I lost my partner of 6 years about 15 months ago when she was 26 and I was 29, completely unexpectedly. Many of the stages the OP touched on are things I see reflected through my experience, both over that period and even in the present day. The part that struck me most of all is the dissonance of having life move on, somewhat without you. Parts of your life keep progressing - your career chugs along, you get older, family events still occur, friends reach their milestones in life - but despite being involved in all that, a big part of you stays trapped in this stasis of time from the death.

I have barely cleaned my house and just sort of live around our collective belongings. I still do routines in my life that are completely unnecessary now but that make me feel like a little less of my life has been completely inverted and dropped on its head. I haven't dared wipe clean the bathroom mirror where she wrote a message to me in whiteboard marker wishing me a fantastic day and telling me how much she loved me a couple of weeks before her death. I don't quite know how I'm supposed to ever wipe that off, but I will have to one day because others will eventually need to use that mirror.

Another part that resonated was the need for an alone space during familial celebrations. Doubly so for me, my partner's birthday was Christmas Day. So Christmas has now gone from a celebration of family to a weird dual-day of trying to do that whilst also mourning her life. I find myself sneaking off for private quiet time now, and I suspect I'll always need that now.

There's so many changes I never would've imagined had you somehow been able to talk to more than a robotic shell of me just after her death. I'm sure there's many things I'll still have to face yet. I just hope I can keep clinging to the progress of life forwards because it takes a tonne of effort not to just lapse back into that purgatory of constantly wallowing in it. Equally, you have to give yourself time to grieve when you need it, which is unpredictable even still. The most effective method I've found for me so far is to remind myself that I have time to grieve but I must also not waste the life I'm lucky to have that she was denied, and to live it equal to her expectations she held of me. Anything less would be the waste of a second life.

Thanks again for the great article. It articulated so many feelings I've not been able to.