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Loneliness Is a Warning Sign to Be Social

nautil.us

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Re: Loneliness Is a Warning Sign to Be Social

#101

Post by metafunctor »

antidamage wrote: post #58
pmoriarty wrote: post #31

As I've gotten older I've become more and more picky about who I want to spend time with. It used to be, when I was a lot younger, that I would be pretty indiscriminate: as long as someone wanted to spend time with me, and they were nice enough, and we could find something to do together that we enjoyed, like watching a movie, playing a game, or just hang out and talk about something (usually meaningless), that would…

I'm 38 now and I no longer enjoy all the interactions with my friends that I used to. Often once we get started I can get into it, but the thoughts I have in advance come up like a cost-analysis proposition in my head. Part of me is convinced that socialising with friends is work. I know my friends have started to feel the same as they've gotten older too. I blame things like instant messaging for making those baseli…

Same here (40). I no longer enjoy spending time with my friends.

I've tried to force myself to socialise, but I always leave early (I cannot bear it), stressed and sweating through my blazer armpits, and just happy to leave the occasion.

Family seems so much more important to me now, and only somewhat stressful.

I guess I'm an introvert. I don't think that's ever going to change, and I've come to accept it. I lose energy when I'm with strangers. I don't want to do that anymore unless it is absolutely necessary.

Also, I am happy. I do not feel lonely. I may also be a bit of a hermit.

Re: Loneliness Is a Warning Sign to Be Social

#102

Post by panglott »

The article was fine, but what an unhelpful headline. It's like saying "Depression is a warning sign that you need to start being happier."

The time in my life where I most struggled with loneliness, I had just moved to a new big city. I went out looking for social experiences literally all the time, but never found the people that I could form deep friendships with. Transient social interactions and passing friendships, sure, but deep social relationships just take a long time to form. Eventually I moved to another city where I had more friends, and now I'm much happier.

Loneliness is just psychologically crushing.

Re: Loneliness Is a Warning Sign to Be Social

#103

Post by throwaway049 »

metafunctor wrote: post #101
antidamage wrote: post #58

Earlier quoted context omitted.

I'm 38 now and I no longer enjoy all the interactions with my friends that I used to. Often once we get started I can get into it, but the thoughts I have in advance come up like a cost-analysis proposition in my head. Part of me is convinced that socialising with friends is work. I know my friends have started to feel the same as they've gotten older too. I blame things like instant messaging for making those baseli…

Same here (40). I no longer enjoy spending time with my friends. I've tried to force myself to socialise, but I always leave early (I cannot bear it), stressed and sweating through my blazer armpits, and just happy to leave the occasion. Family seems so much more important to me now, and only somewhat stressful. I guess I'm an introvert. I don't think that's ever going to change, and I've come to accept it. I lose en…

I associate blazers with a degree of formality and if I'm wearing one it's probably because I am somewhere I am obliged to be rather than really socializing.

Re: Loneliness Is a Warning Sign to Be Social

#104

Post by ionised »

ikeyany wrote: post #85
ori_b wrote: post #75

Earlier quoted context omitted.

> That is, assuming you want friends. I thought that the point was that he didn't.

I got the impression that he was rationalizing being anti-social, i.e. "I'm too good for them anyway."

That's not the impression I got.

Re: Loneliness Is a Warning Sign to Be Social

#105

Post by yigitcakar »

I think it wouldn't be wrong to guess that HN hosts a larger loner base than the general public. Most of us are introverts and we start life with a hindrance when it comes to interpersonal relationships. As we grow older, the gap between our communication skills and general public's grow wider. (It seems very similar to relative age effect.*)

In a different world where communicators are scarce, we would be forced to be better communicators by our peers and elders; like we push children to learn math and science, or (lately) programming. To our detriment world is full of able communicators and they can't understand why we can't communicate better.I think of it this way: I sincerely can't understand why a person fails to understand basic programming concepts like a while loop and the communicators (extroverts if you'd like) can't understand why we can't handle small talk.

The problem grows bigger and harder to handle because our natural inclinations are toward subjects that are deemed smarter(scarce I'd say) and we start seeing ourselves smarter and more skilled which leads to superiority complex: We start thinking and behaving as if we are above the things that make us feel inferior in the first place. We start to think that we create tangible things while others babble all day. We become living examples of Dunning–Kruger effect when it comes to interpersonal relations.

Nobody likes a smartass, so people leave us alone with our huge Egos.

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Relative_age_effect

Re: Loneliness Is a Warning Sign to Be Social

#106

Post by beachstartup »

metafunctor wrote: post #101
antidamage wrote: post #58

Earlier quoted context omitted.

I'm 38 now and I no longer enjoy all the interactions with my friends that I used to. Often once we get started I can get into it, but the thoughts I have in advance come up like a cost-analysis proposition in my head. Part of me is convinced that socialising with friends is work. I know my friends have started to feel the same as they've gotten older too. I blame things like instant messaging for making those baseli…

Same here (40). I no longer enjoy spending time with my friends. I've tried to force myself to socialise, but I always leave early (I cannot bear it), stressed and sweating through my blazer armpits, and just happy to leave the occasion. Family seems so much more important to me now, and only somewhat stressful. I guess I'm an introvert. I don't think that's ever going to change, and I've come to accept it. I lose en…

> I guess I'm an introvert

uh, you're sweating and freaking out when you're interacting with people. that isn't introversion, that's social anxiety or some other undiagnosed condition.

Re: Loneliness Is a Warning Sign to Be Social

#107

Post by kayla210 »

Klinky wrote: post #68
kayla210 wrote: post #37

Earlier quoted context omitted.

I'm currently dealing with if I want to rent out an apartment by myself or if I want to find a roommate/friend to share it with. On one hand, YAY NO PEOPLE AND FULL CONTROL OF THE PLACE; on the other hand, I don't want to get depressed when I start missing seeing people when I get home. I feel like living on my own would help me so much socially/physically/emotionally than finding someone to room with.

Roommates should be seen as a business transaction. I would not rely on then for social interaction. Some of the horror stories suggest they could be very detrimental to your mental health. Also a quick way to find out you don't like your friend as much as you thought you did is to live with them 24/7.

That's true. I believe I make enough to manage a decent-to-nice apartment on my own, so I won't have to have a roommate to make rent. Right now, I'm just saving up and paying off student loans and my credit card and casually looking at apartments near the city and my work.

Re: Loneliness Is a Warning Sign to Be Social

#108

Post by Grishnakh »

whoozhat wrote: post #14
nibs wrote: post #11

Earlier quoted context omitted.

My fiance is extremely introverted. We eventually realized that she needed this "apartment to myself" feeling at least once a week in order to function in the real world and do the extrovert obligations she needed to do. So we instituted "introvert time", where I work late until around 10PM and leave our place to her for about five hours after she gets home. This is enough for her to take the time to walk around undr…

curious... what are you guys gonna do when you have kids?

Suffer. Why do you think married couples with kids are always so miserable?

Re: Loneliness Is a Warning Sign to Be Social

#109

Post by 120bits »

dfischer wrote: post #90
120bits wrote: post #15

I moved out from Bay Area, where I had tons of friends. I would go out every other night to hang out with my friends. Talk about startups and upcoming tech stuff and lots of beer off course. But then I found myself in a loop, same old routine. I decided to move some other state, where I am complete stranger. Its been 5 years since I left. Do I get lonely? Off course I do. I would be lying if I won't. But, I don't get…

Where did you move and why that place?

I moved to Salt Lake City, Utah. I applied to jobs in other states as well. But I just ended up with good option and better salary here. Housing is comparatively really cheap compared to California. Lot of outdoors activity, I think just got used to it now.

Re: Loneliness Is a Warning Sign to Be Social

#110

Post by zaccus »

beachstartup wrote: post #106
metafunctor wrote: post #101

Earlier quoted context omitted.

Same here (40). I no longer enjoy spending time with my friends. I've tried to force myself to socialise, but I always leave early (I cannot bear it), stressed and sweating through my blazer armpits, and just happy to leave the occasion. Family seems so much more important to me now, and only somewhat stressful. I guess I'm an introvert. I don't think that's ever going to change, and I've come to accept it. I lose en…

> I guess I'm an introvert uh, you're sweating and freaking out when you're interacting with people. that isn't introversion, that's social anxiety or some other undiagnosed condition.

Why can't it be both? Everyone is either an introvert or an extrovert, and they sure don't sound like an extrovert, so...

Of course, I'm not a trained psychologist and neither are you probably, so neither of us are qualified to say either way.

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