Burnout and Mental Health

Stating this not to brag but to make my point: 8 months ago I was clearing north of $140k plus options at a top tech co (plus all the usual perks/full benefits) at age 23. The path was probably open for a management position and easily over 200K per year by age 30.

I hated it. The work was agonizingly mundane. The environment was intellectually letheragic (a tremendous irony given the pedigree of my coworkers). I was pulling long hours to write code that I knew had little real value. And everywhere I looked I saw constraints and barriers to doing something meaningful. Eventually it got to the point where I started having a lot of anxiety and even moodiness and feeings of hopelessness.

I felt like what I was forcing myself to become was suffocating the person I wanted to be, deep down. So I asked myself, honestly, if the money was worth trading off so much of my life. My answer was 'no'. However, I think I might be an outlier in that regard. A lot of other people place a high value on experiences, socializing, buying nice things, etc. There are only three things I can ever remember giving me genuine contentment: building complex things, learning (reading, programming, lectures), and hanging with a handful of very good friends. Turns out working a job was diametrically opposed to my main priorities in life. And the weird thing is I'd known that for a very long time before having a decisive 'epiphany' about it. I'd been running from that truth because it was so contradictory, relative to what society tells us we should do and value. This line of reasoning was essential in clearing the final mental hurdle between myself and the decision to pursue entrepreneurship. I had to reconcile myself with having less in the immediate term and the likelihood of long-run financial consequences in taking a break from working in the industry. I acknowledge that this isn't possible for everyone. Some people have dependents, mortgages, and other obligations. But if you can somehow make the numbers work and don't find the luxuries of a six figure salary as compelling as the opportunities you trade away, then you owe it to yourself to stop and think about it.

As for what happens on the other side: freedom is a beautiful thing. I'm now convinced there's 'one easy trick' to becoming a 10x engineer and that's quitting your job. You learn out of necessity when you have few resources and no fallbacks. It also seems obvious now in hindsight that the surest way to realize your full potential is to work on your own terms building something you care about. I get to see friends more often than I have in years and I'm working with two of my best friends on a startup. I've also been exercising consistently and eating better. But by far the most energizing change in my lifestyle has been my improved sleeping habits. Imagine a world in which you don't have to set an alarm clock and always get enough sleep - that's what you get to do when you work on your own terms. I can't be sure about this but I feel like I might actually be improving in mental acuity as well, which I would attribute to getting more sleep and the compounding effects of expanding my skillset (full stack engineering, PM, marketing). I think the phenomenon of interdisciplinary study leading to improved cognition is fairly well-studued and I'm now realizing that entrepreneurship is at least a good approximation of that. I furthermore spend several hours per day in flow because there are no meetings, emails or other interruptions.

All this adds up to a lifestyle that's so dramatically superior to where I was before that I have absolutely no intention of going back, if I can avoid it. Sorry for the poorly-constructed stream of consciousness. I intend to write a blog post on the subject at some point, but wanted to get this down here in case it helps anyone trying to make a decision. If you're going through burnout and feel like your personal narrative resembles mine, I hope you'll take some time to consider quitting to work on something that gives you purpose and that might have value to others. Regardless, I'll end with the handful of things I needed to keep hearing back when I was burning out: there IS an other side and you WILL get there. It's okay if you have to quit because the safety net for software engineers is incredible and your health is comparatively fragile. By far the most important thing for you to do is let the good people in your life be there to help you get through this.

I think memory is very important for programming. I can work a lot faster since I take this treatment.

Impressive. Once I said to my coworker that I'm not drinking a coffee because I can't sleep at night. She replied she drinks coffee because she can't stay awake in the daytimes without coffee.

Eventually, it turned out what really worked for me (it also worked with some friends who tried this) is to just do something else for a change.

Work on small, contained projects - maybe on unrelated problem domains, and consider changing your habits and do more things for fun, but whatever it is you do, don't try to 'force' yourself to do it. Working out at the gym work wonders. Getting some good night's sleep also helps.

I would also snap out of it after a few days. This never failed me, but I realize that it may not work for everyone.

I started on the opiates and benzos to self-medicate. I had all the symptoms, panic attacks, getting really ill whenever i took a break. Complete lack of perspective. Just stress from all sides, work, relationships, bills. Insane working hours for years. So, of course as my tolerance rose so did the dosage and strength.

CBT, therapy, meditation, exercise and stable routine are what i have utilised to get myself out of what i would call, without any sense of over-dramatising, hell.

It is not worth it. Please, please get help. There is no shame.