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I’ve Had a Cyberstalker Since I Was 12

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Re: I’ve Had a Cyberstalker Since I Was 12

#181

Post by mcv »

fpgaminer wrote: post #87
shalmanese wrote: post #24

There's a moment in the pilot of The Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt where the women are rescued from the bunker and put on a daytime talk show and Matt Lauer asks one of the women how she ended up in the bunker: "I had waited on Reverend Richard at a York Steak House I worked at, and one night he invited me out to his car to see some baby rabbits, and I didn’t want to be rude, so… here we are." And Matt Lauer responds: "I…

> It's often hard for men to understand the societal pressure placed on women to be accommodating and not be rude and how this can be manipulated to constrain female agency in the world. Sorry, but I'm going to have to call out this statement as sexist. There are also several other strange "facts" being passed around in other comments which are similarly biased. To be clear, I'm not calling you sexist. In fact, I thi…

Both genders are subjected to the pressure to conform to social expectations, and those pressures by themselves are often harmful and holding us back. But the pressures exerted on men and women are often very different, and it is important to be aware of those differences. Only by being aware of these pressures and understanding the differences, can we really address them and do something about them.

That women are expected to be polite and accommodating is absolutely sexist, and resisting that pressure can sometimes be just as dangerous as giving in to it.

But that men are expected to not cry and be strong and dominant and all that crap, that is just as harmful. To men, and to society.

Re: I’ve Had a Cyberstalker Since I Was 12

#182

Post by ryanlol »

untothebreach wrote: post #168
ryanlol wrote: post #129

Earlier quoted context omitted.

At that point, why not just buy a gun and start going to a shooting range? Most US jurisdictions have a legal framework that enables you to kill others in self-defense. I don't personally believe that anyone should have to do this, but I also believe that if you feel sufficiently threatened it'd be silly to ignore your legal right to self-defense.

Any decent self-defense instructor will tell you that the best way to win a fight is to not get into a fight at all. So why do something to encourage violence? Let's say you do get a gun, you go to a shooting range, you get good at shooting it. Who's to say that, when the stalker shows up at your door, you're going to be able to pull the trigger? Taking a life is not an easy thing to do, and in the "heat of the momen…

>Any decent self-defense instructor will tell you that the best way to win a fight is to not get into a fight at all. So why do something to encourage violence?

Read the comment I was responding to, supposedly the FBI suggested that getting a restraining order would significantly increase the risk of a murder-suicide. Is the right approach there to avoid the restraining order to not encourage violence? I think not.

>Taking a life is not an easy thing to do, and in the "heat of the moment" some people can be unwilling to do it, even when doing so would save themselves from harm.

I absolutely agree, but what's the alternative here? Not getting a restraining order? Hoping that the cops will get there in time if something happens?

It seems to me that at that point you really wouldn't be left with much of a choice, besides just accepting the harassment and living with it.

Re: I’ve Had a Cyberstalker Since I Was 12

#183

Post by goblinking »

marincounty wrote: post #144
cgriswald wrote: post #29

Earlier quoted context omitted.

I've found they also have an amazing ability to make excuses for the behaviors of others. I had an ex who got into a lot of sketchy situations because she refused to believe people were exactly who they were telling her they were. Guys would do inappropriate things that clearly bothered her, but she would claim they were "joking" or believe she misunderstood, etc. etc. So she wouldn't set any boundaries, and of cours…

I had one of those gems too. I now have a deviated septum. It was in my thirties, and she was hot. When I realized she went into situations looking for drama; I finally told her to get lost. I was drinking pretty heavily when I was dating her. I thought she was this misunderstood goth chick. Well, when I stopped drinking, I saw the sutle cues she was giving out. The little coy looks, while I was getting drinks. Activ…

"Well--no one is fighting over her anymore. The labial facial lines are deep. The gray is comming through the black die. The magic is gone. Her fiery personality is now just angry, and bitter. Age is a leveler of that beauty asset."

You captured the "bar hottie -> bingo lady" transition very nicely

Re: I’ve Had a Cyberstalker Since I Was 12

#184

Post by goda90 »

andreasvc wrote: post #169
LordKano wrote: post #165

So... Why didn't she just give him a firm, but polite "I'm not interested"? I'm not saying that stalking and/or harassment are acceptable. I'm just saying that she probably could have avoided 14 years of misery if she had just politely told the guy that there was no potential for anything more. Women need to learn to reject people in whom they're not interested. They think they're being "nice" or at the very least, b…

You're blaming the victim. Do you really believe she didn't tell him no clearly? > Women need to learn to reject people in whom they're not interested No, that's not the problem, women get plenty of experience with that. People should not stalk or harass, period.

People should not stalk or harass. Authorities and all other members of society should take stalking and harassing seriously. BUT potential victims should take reasonable measures to protect themselves too(not saying that a "firm rejection" is enough or even safe though). I hope Internet safety instruction becomes more of a thing in our education system.

Re: I’ve Had a Cyberstalker Since I Was 12

#185

Post by protomyth »

shalmanese wrote: post #24

There's a moment in the pilot of The Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt where the women are rescued from the bunker and put on a daytime talk show and Matt Lauer asks one of the women how she ended up in the bunker: "I had waited on Reverend Richard at a York Steak House I worked at, and one night he invited me out to his car to see some baby rabbits, and I didn’t want to be rude, so… here we are." And Matt Lauer responds: "I…

Be a guy and have a women ask you why their car isn't starting or can you help change a tire. Saying no in many parts of the world / US is unacceptable and considered rude. So, I guess male agency can be constrained in the same manner. Its amazing what guys will do not to look like an a__hole.

Re: I’ve Had a Cyberstalker Since I Was 12

#186

Post by pitay »

popmystack wrote: post #175
pitay wrote: post #164

Earlier quoted context omitted.

No, the grandparent post was saying that men were similarly influenced by societal pressures. It wasn't downplaying the societal pressure.

No one said they weren't. And then he called the statement sexist. It's being used to downplay the original statement -- not add to it.

I was responding to varjag's post, which was saying that the grandparent post was downplaying the societal pressure, which it wasn't. It was a correction to that false statement.

Re: I’ve Had a Cyberstalker Since I Was 12

#187

Post by marcusgarvey »

benten10 wrote: post #158

...so how many women are actually commenting on this post? Raise your hands please? Hahaha, this is a classssic hackernews discussion. "There is absolutely no discrimination. Women are held to the same standards as men. They just complain. Saying that women have it unfair is ITSELF sexist" type arguments are the best (for entertainment value). @dang and other hackernews people: Regardless of if you agree with them or…

thanks for saying this. it's shocking to see the cesspool that the comments become whenever gender and race issues are raised on this site. are people really this clueless?

Re: I’ve Had a Cyberstalker Since I Was 12

#188

Post by _Codemonkeyism »

Jean-Philipe wrote: post #150
fpgaminer wrote: post #87

Earlier quoted context omitted.

> It's often hard for men to understand the societal pressure placed on women to be accommodating and not be rude and how this can be manipulated to constrain female agency in the world. Sorry, but I'm going to have to call out this statement as sexist. There are also several other strange "facts" being passed around in other comments which are similarly biased. To be clear, I'm not calling you sexist. In fact, I thi…

> Sorry, but I'm going to have to call out this statement as sexist. Here we go again. Somebody pointing out gender bias is blamed for being sexist.

The comment is blamed for being sexist because

"It's often hard for men to understand the societal pressure placed on women"

as this is making wide sweeping assumptions about men behaviour based on the world view of the poster not because of pointing out gender bias.

Re: I’ve Had a Cyberstalker Since I Was 12

#189

Post by YouYouMeMe »

jahewson wrote: post #111
fpgaminer wrote: post #87

Earlier quoted context omitted.

> It's often hard for men to understand the societal pressure placed on women to be accommodating and not be rude and how this can be manipulated to constrain female agency in the world. Sorry, but I'm going to have to call out this statement as sexist. There are also several other strange "facts" being passed around in other comments which are similarly biased. To be clear, I'm not calling you sexist. In fact, I thi…

> I strongly suspect both genders are equally susceptible to being manipulated by societal pressures. Sure but which gender does society place more pressures on?

Perhaps the one that is absent from any group of older people in the mall because it dies 5 years earlier? The one that is most often sent to war? The one that has substantial more suicides?

Re: I’ve Had a Cyberstalker Since I Was 12

#190

Post by pitay »

varjag wrote: post #174
pitay wrote: post #164

Earlier quoted context omitted.

No, the grandparent post was saying that men were similarly influenced by societal pressures. It wasn't downplaying the societal pressure.

The situation for the genders is asymmetric and so the effects of non-conformance have different outcomes. If I had to post an "all lives matter" argument in a thread about racism on blacks it would absolutely be downplaying racism, even if the statement is technically correct.

I am not familiar with this 'all lives matter' thing, so I will ignore that for the moment, it also seems to be off-topic.

Did you know that the effects of non-conformance have different outcomes with different people. You might say that is a useless thing to say, and you'd be right. Just as the non-explanation you put about genders and non-conformance is as well. And my post had nothing to say that it wasn't asymmetric, so your response was changing the subject.

The grandparent post you mentioned in your post before was asking for evidence before assuming that females were more susceptible to societal pressures, as that is playing to a stereotype. He suggested that it is wiser to take a neutral view. My post corrected you when you said that that post was trying to downplay the societal pressure, it wasn't.

Your response with the "all lives matter" sideshow is changing the argument again and is quite dishonest. Just like you misrepresented the "grandparent post".

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