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She’ll Text Me, She’ll Text Me Not

nautil.us

131–140 of 171 posts

Re: She’ll Text Me, She’ll Text Me Not

#131
post #82

Earlier quoted context omitted.

'Need' is not always logical. You buy a car when you need one - and look desperate to the car salesman. But you need it, so you shop. More helpful advice is, how to shop intelligently when needy.

You need a car to do what? Most commonly, to transport your body from point A to point B. You can also consider other alternatives and pick one that (you think) works the best. I doubt that there is such a thing as "need to be in relationship", very often it is a cover for some other, deeper need, like "need to not feel alone", "need for social recognition", "need to feel secure" and so on. And unless that deeper nee…

> deeper need, like "need to not feel alone", "need for social recognition", "need to feel secure" and so on

Why is this such a big problem? We are social animals and like to be around others. And yes, part of it is social recognition, we mostly do what's expected in our culture and don't like to be the odd ones. Many people like to boast how unique and non-conformist they are, but deep down most of us want to be accepted.

You could say there's no need for career achievements either, because then you're just a workoholic. There's no need for anything in particular.

I don't like this sentiment that everyone must be a rock and steel-strong independent individual who never has to rely on others/relationships/family/society and just cuts through life like a knife through butter. Most of us aren't like that and if you listen to any successful person they will tell you how much they can thank other people (spouse, family, friends) for their support and how they couldn't have achieved the things they did without that support. The totally individualist mindset is not healthy I think (for most people).

Of course I don't mean you should be desperate. But people in our lives are not just "supporting actors" in our movie, but a lot more important. They shape us in many ways.

Re: She’ll Text Me, She’ll Text Me Not

#132

Earlier quoted context omitted.

The reply link won't appear immediately for deeply nested comments. Initially a minute or two, eventually many minutes. The comments still appear as fast as you allow with your "delay" setting in your profile (2 minutes for me: time to edit, and time to delete the stupid messages that felt good to write but that I shouldn't have written).

Sometimes (always?) the reply link doesn't show up in the comment thread, but shows up when you visit the individual comment through its permalink. That's probably a bug though.

Always and I think it's deliberate. Those who know can keep it going, but it requires deliberate effort (just enough more than clicking reply) that it might stop some of the back and forth ("Do I really need to put in this much effort for this conversation?").

Re: She’ll Text Me, She’ll Text Me Not

#133
post #92

Earlier quoted context omitted.

the first year, I did date a few people...

I'm coming up on 8 months since I last had any physical intimacy, and it's making it a lot harder to be okay with being single. I pretty much assume "as long as you're getting occasional physical intimacy" is implied whenever anyone says "you should learn to be okay with being single."

In fact, for me, it is the other way around.

When I was dating some girls, I couldn't concentrate on myself completely.

I had to stop it and check what I really wanted, what I wanted "besides" not being alone.

This lead to questioning my job and quit it too, haha.

When I was single, and knew what I wanted, I didn't had to cry after someone who didn't accept me for who I wasn't, it became okay for me.

I started to see the opinions, people have about me, simply as an opinion and not criticism about me as a person. Like some people don't like peanut butter, and I do, and it doesn't make peanut butter less delicious just because some people don't like it. I don't liked monogamy so I didn't date mono-people anymore.

Then I started to project this into my work life as well. I looked what I wanted and threw away what I had. I didn't want a 9-5 job in an open office space, I wanted home office without people disturbing me while coding, without commuting etc. So I didn't accept any offers that didn't at least offered this.

Now my life feels much better :)

Re: She’ll Text Me, She’ll Text Me Not

#134
post #87

Earlier quoted context omitted.

The chauvinism in this comment is insane. Women aren't points on a scoreboard and dating dynamics aren't meant to be a power struggle.

> The chauvinism in this comment is insane. Women aren't points on a scoreboard This commenter, the type that is OUTRAGED by speech that hasn't been mangled to be politically correct, is responsible for muffling open and honest communication among people. Specific to this example, there is nothing wrong with the OP's use of scoring - the outraged expressed by the commenter above is basically trolling for a response b…

Well, I wasn't outraged before, but I have to admit that I may be feeling a touch of outrage now.

The "mangling" of speech to be politically correct and the "muffling" of open and honest communications that some of us are asking for is just this: changing "score something 'out of your league'" to, e.g., "meet someone 'out of your league.'" I'm not sure why people see this as so hard to swallow.

There may be someone "trolling for a response by feigning outrage" in this conversation, but I don't think it's GP.

Re: She’ll Text Me, She’ll Text Me Not

#136

Earlier quoted context omitted.

Actually my genuine concern (not outrage) is primarily that someone on HN feels that the use of the word 'something' to describe a woman is remotely appropriate. I'm calling the poster out on that because I feel like if they don't have it pointed out to them that that is inappropriate they'll continue to think it's okay. It is not okay.

"Something" doesn't necessarily refer to a woman. Could refer to a relationship, ala: I want something that will make my heart race, something that feels real

I've never heard anyone describe a relationship as being 'out of their league'.

Re: She’ll Text Me, She’ll Text Me Not

#137
post #82

Earlier quoted context omitted.

You need a car to do what? Most commonly, to transport your body from point A to point B. You can also consider other alternatives and pick one that (you think) works the best. I doubt that there is such a thing as "need to be in relationship", very often it is a cover for some other, deeper need, like "need to not feel alone", "need for social recognition", "need to feel secure" and so on. And unless that deeper nee…

> deeper need, like "need to not feel alone", "need for social recognition", "need to feel secure" and so on Why is this such a big problem? We are social animals and like to be around others. And yes, part of it is social recognition, we mostly do what's expected in our culture and don't like to be the odd ones. Many people like to boast how unique and non-conformist they are, but deep down most of us want to be acc…

> Why is this such a big problem?

These needs are not a problem. But not stating them clearly creates a problem, where you do what you think would help, but your needs are still not satisfied.

> I don't like this sentiment that everyone must be a rock and steel-strong independent individual who never has to rely on others/relationships/family/society and just cuts through life like a knife through butter.

I didn't say that either. The more clear and honest you are in expressing your needs to others – the more likely you to get them fulfilled. But for that you often need to do some work first; you can't rely on others to know your needs better then you.

Re: She’ll Text Me, She’ll Text Me Not

#138
post #34

Earlier quoted context omitted.

Do your current girlfriends know about each other? :P

The secret is letting them both know they are the one you are cheating with, not the one you are cheating on.

Interesting idea. But no, they know of each other. No probs.

Re: She’ll Text Me, She’ll Text Me Not

#139
post #63

Yeesh. Finding a girlfriend in college and getting married not too long after graduation remains the best decision I've ever made. I don't know how people deal with this shit.

It's not just a choice. Many are in this situation because they tried your strategy and did not succeed.

Re: She’ll Text Me, She’ll Text Me Not

#140

'the status of my text message changed to “read.”' I am assuming this is an iPhone "feature"? Creepy. Can it be disabled?

iMessages, facebook, whatsapp, ... Unfortunately every messaging platform (except old school texts, but iPhones will automatically send iMessages to other iPhones) seem to have implemented this "feature"

It's optional in iMessages, I believe it's opt-in (not 100%, changed the setting a long time ago to have it on, personal preference).

That said, it was creepy when I realized the only reason it was enabled on my ex-girlfriend's phone (she didn't like it and is tech-illiterate) was that her previous boyfriend had enabled it to see if/when she read his messages (creepy dude that'd send her flowers randomly two years after their break up, but she thought it was sweet and that they were "just friends", yeah, sure).

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