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She’ll Text Me, She’ll Text Me Not

nautil.us

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Re: She’ll Text Me, She’ll Text Me Not

#101

Post by cgriswald »

rtl49 wrote: post #33
pc86 wrote: post #32

Earlier quoted context omitted.

> Why wouldn't one just call and avoid all this nonsense? Because if you're trying to take out a 20-something that you've only had passing interaction with, texting is the socially acceptable way to do it. You don't just call.

As such a 20-something, I can attest that this is not universally true.

Are you a male 20-something or a female 20-something?

The male 20-somethings I know are largely chill and don't really care how a woman reaches out.

The female 20-somethings I know (both as friends and as romantic partners), on the other hand, universally prefer a text. They feel a phone call puts them on the spot; they call it "awkward" or "weird". In most cases, they'll only accept the phone call if they're already into the guy. If they're unsure about the guy, he's probably ensured he's going to get a negative response.

And, of course, this is probably not universally true of all female 20-somethings, but if you are courting, it's better to play the game by the numbers.

After the initial courting phase, I've found things to be a bit different and more dependent upon the individual. That's the time to show your own preferences rather than play the game.

Re: She’ll Text Me, She’ll Text Me Not

#102

Post by radikalus »

This all feels a bit silly as I'm not terribly convinced time-between-texts conveys much about the process (THE BRAIN) generating said data points.

The flow chart for "Should I reply to this right now?" is pretty complicated; recovering that PGM is hard!

And as for signaling "busyness" -- that's better accomplished through delaying showing you "read" their messsage, no?

Is there a missing niche for a whatsapp wrapper that delays "read" confirmations by 3 minutes?

Re: She’ll Text Me, She’ll Text Me Not

#103

Post by throwaway19238 »

Sorry this is a bit of an un-HN comment

> A few months later I ran into Tanya. We had a lot of fun together and she eventually told me that she was sorry she didn’t get back to me that time. Apparently at the time she was questioning her entire sexual identity and was trying to figure out if she was a lesbian.

I had this, but slightly different, from the other side recently. Met this great girl, got on really well, talked on Facebook for weeks, there was definitely some of this "How long should I wait?" going on. But, unfortunately for her this coincided with me questioning my gender. As time was going on things were progressing well with her, but it felt more and more like I was lying to her and leading her on. I didn't know how to go about telling her, it's not the kind of thing you can tell someone you don't know that well, let alone someone you are flirting with... In the end I noobed out and stopped talking to her. I felt so guilty, I'm sure she was wondering what she did or said. I have since apologised and told her why.

> Well, that was definitely not a theory that crossed my mind.

I think that was pretty much exactly what she said.

Re: She’ll Text Me, She’ll Text Me Not

#104

Post by noobermin »

herbig wrote: post #87
pmarreck wrote: post #75

So TL;DR: Uncertain reply-time-window dynamics enabled by the era of asynchronous/deferred indirect communication (aka "texting"/"emailing") create a situation where the psychological principles of the Variable Ratio Reinforcement Schedule ( https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Reinforcement ) kick in, which, as it turns out, is the most addicting, thus creating the most drama. I get that about right? ;) Word to the wise (s…

The chauvinism in this comment is insane. Women aren't points on a scoreboard and dating dynamics aren't meant to be a power struggle.

"Score" is a term for successfully attracting a mate. It is not a power struggle per se but dating is a negotiation of sorts in order to reach a consensus about the nature of an interpersonal relationship between two individuals.

In that sense, a girl can "score" a guy too, it isn't sexist per se.

Re: She’ll Text Me, She’ll Text Me Not

#105

Post by Trill-I-Am »

k__ wrote: post #92
Trill-I-Am wrote: post #71

Earlier quoted context omitted.

Did you get any physical intimacy during those two years?

the first year, I did date a few people...

I'm coming up on 8 months since I last had any physical intimacy, and it's making it a lot harder to be okay with being single. I pretty much assume "as long as you're getting occasional physical intimacy" is implied whenever anyone says "you should learn to be okay with being single."

Re: She’ll Text Me, She’ll Text Me Not

#106

Post by alias240 »

rtl49 wrote: post #25
alias240 wrote: post #8

My strategy when I meet a girl I like is to exchange numbers, but have no intention of contacting them. The girl always has to contact the guy first. It's just how it works.

Trust me, this is not true. Initiating contact is not only acceptable, but quite often preferred. Generally this approach is just protecting your self-esteem.

No, it's a sign of respect. In these days of Tinder, girls are used to guys hitting on them all the time. By not contacting them, you are actually sending a message.

Re: She’ll Text Me, She’ll Text Me Not

#107

Post by alias240 »

busterarm wrote: post #49
stuxnet79 wrote: post #31

Earlier quoted context omitted.

Not only that, it seems like an ineffective strategy. I can't imagine you'd get more than a 10% response rate from this - and that's if you are exceedingly attractive. If you are just an average joe, this strategy basically does not work. If I had enough things going on in my life though I'd also always wait for the woman to contact me first because I've been used and manipulated too many times and don't see most wom…

I'd make a wager that the original commenter we're referring to is from the UK. Men initiating interest with women isn't a universal cultural standard and that's one of the places where women asking men out is much more common.

I am from the UK.

Re: She’ll Text Me, She’ll Text Me Not

#108

Post by [deleted] »

pmarreck wrote: post #75

So TL;DR: Uncertain reply-time-window dynamics enabled by the era of asynchronous/deferred indirect communication (aka "texting"/"emailing") create a situation where the psychological principles of the Variable Ratio Reinforcement Schedule ( https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Reinforcement ) kick in, which, as it turns out, is the most addicting, thus creating the most drama. I get that about right? ;) Word to the wise (s…

[deleted]

Re: She’ll Text Me, She’ll Text Me Not

#109

Post by noobermin »

throwaway19238 wrote: post #103

Sorry this is a bit of an un-HN comment > A few months later I ran into Tanya. We had a lot of fun together and she eventually told me that she was sorry she didn’t get back to me that time. Apparently at the time she was questioning her entire sexual identity and was trying to figure out if she was a lesbian. I had this, but slightly different, from the other side recently. Met this great girl, got on really well, t…

To be fair, she did say "no more games."

She's sending mixed signals, which is human. Unfortunately, the author weighted the two disproportionally.

Re: She’ll Text Me, She’ll Text Me Not

#110

Post by lighttower »

herbig wrote: post #87
pmarreck wrote: post #75

So TL;DR: Uncertain reply-time-window dynamics enabled by the era of asynchronous/deferred indirect communication (aka "texting"/"emailing") create a situation where the psychological principles of the Variable Ratio Reinforcement Schedule ( https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Reinforcement ) kick in, which, as it turns out, is the most addicting, thus creating the most drama. I get that about right? ;) Word to the wise (s…

The chauvinism in this comment is insane. Women aren't points on a scoreboard and dating dynamics aren't meant to be a power struggle.

> The chauvinism in this comment is insane. Women aren't points on a scoreboard

This commenter, the type that is OUTRAGED by speech that hasn't been mangled to be politically correct, is responsible for muffling open and honest communication among people. Specific to this example, there is nothing wrong with the OP's use of scoring - the outraged expressed by the commenter above is basically trolling for a response by feigning outrage.

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