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She’ll Text Me, She’ll Text Me Not

nautil.us

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Re: She’ll Text Me, She’ll Text Me Not

#91

Post by cableshaft »

pmarreck wrote: post #75

So TL;DR: Uncertain reply-time-window dynamics enabled by the era of asynchronous/deferred indirect communication (aka "texting"/"emailing") create a situation where the psychological principles of the Variable Ratio Reinforcement Schedule ( https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Reinforcement ) kick in, which, as it turns out, is the most addicting, thus creating the most drama. I get that about right? ;) Word to the wise (s…

I've been on both sides of "Repeated Proximity Breeds Attraction", and that's part of the reason why I like meetups so much. It allows for that to occur naturally without imposing yourself on anyone. Just be friendly and keep showing up and over time, people tend to express interest.

Re: She’ll Text Me, She’ll Text Me Not

#92

Post by k__ »

Trill-I-Am wrote: post #71
k__ wrote: post #10

The best time to search for funding is when you don't need it. The best time to search for a job is when you don't need it. The best time to search for a partner is when you don't need it. I got my current girlfriends after two years of being single and realizing that being single is okay.

Did you get any physical intimacy during those two years?

the first year, I did date a few people...

Re: She’ll Text Me, She’ll Text Me Not

#93

Post by cableshaft »

Jtsummers wrote: post #72
stuxnet79 wrote: post #59

Earlier quoted context omitted.

Not really, depending on what type of text it was she'd reply instantaneously. Also, honestly in this day and age is it really appropriate to take at minimum 4 days to respond to a question from your "significant other"? That is not normal. Everyone is always on their phone, like she was. In any case, regardless of whether she was faking it or not, it's difficult to maintain a relationship with someone who is always…

> Also, honestly in this day and age is it really appropriate to take at minimum 4 days to respond to a question from your "significant other" ? That is not normal. [emphasis added] This is the real problem. Once you're dating someone (that is, it's past the courtship part and you've acknowledged the relationship), if you can't check your communication devices at least once or twice a day for messages from them (excl…

I once dated a girl who had two jobs and a kid. I frequently wouldn't get responses back for days. I tried to keep it going, but it fell apart after four months of one date every two or three weeks. In retrospect, I'm glad it did end, even though I was super into her.

Re: She’ll Text Me, She’ll Text Me Not

#94

Post by acheron »

CaptSpify wrote: post #74
acheron wrote: post #63

Yeesh. Finding a girlfriend in college and getting married not too long after graduation remains the best decision I've ever made. I don't know how people deal with this shit.

I'm in the same boat, but it depends on who you are as a person. As stressful as dating can be, I can see the appeal vs being tied down. Some people even love the stress. I love being married, but some of my friends would be miserable if they were. To each their own!

Oh sure. Obviously it works for some people. I'm just saying I don't understand it. :)

Re: She’ll Text Me, She’ll Text Me Not

#95

Post by socket0 »

zimpenfish wrote: post #90
socket0 wrote: post #86

Earlier quoted context omitted.

I have no idea whether they're commonly accepted rules. Like most other cargo cult daters I like to think there are rules, and that they mean something, but when all is said and done I'm pretty sure you're right. It's a complex interplay of roles and traits shaped in part by evolution to weed out unfit candidates. On that we built our cargo cult: I have no idea what I'm doing, but when interacting with a potential lo…

> It's a complex interplay of roles and traits shaped in part by evolution to weed out unfit candidates. That would only apply to procreation, surely, not dating.

Dating might be entertainment to some, but I'm sure it's procreation to most.

Re: She’ll Text Me, She’ll Text Me Not

#96

Post by cousin_it »

Jtsummers wrote: post #41
thomasahle wrote: post #35

Earlier quoted context omitted.

You mean, if HN detects a long back-forth, it'll not show your post to anyone for a while after you've submitted it? That's quite interesting. Is this used anywhere else on the web?

The reply link won't appear immediately for deeply nested comments. Initially a minute or two, eventually many minutes. The comments still appear as fast as you allow with your "delay" setting in your profile (2 minutes for me: time to edit, and time to delete the stupid messages that felt good to write but that I shouldn't have written).

Sometimes (always?) the reply link doesn't show up in the comment thread, but shows up when you visit the individual comment through its permalink. That's probably a bug though.

Re: She’ll Text Me, She’ll Text Me Not

#97

Post by physcab »

When I first met my fiance a few years ago, I had been on my 40ish online date and she her 3rd. I had all these rules about gauging girls' interest, mostly to protect myself from pain of rejection. Wait a day or two, text, not more than 2 lines, wait for a few hours, if no response, remove number promptly from phone. After every successful date, I sent my fiance a text asking her out again or to make small talk and I would get a response back anywhere from 9 hours to 24 hours and sometimes up to 48 hours later. The joke I tell people about our early courtship is that I deleted my fiance's number 10 times. Once I decided that her unpredictable texting shouldn't be a dealbreaker, life got much easier. After a while I just accepted that she's a horrible texter, and still remains one to this day.

Some people just aren't big on technology, as crazy as that sounds. My fiance doesn't work in tech, doesn't have a laptop, barely uses her phone. In fact, its one of the things I have come to love about her because it has helped me detach and be more mindful.

Re: She’ll Text Me, She’ll Text Me Not

#98

Post by infinite8s »

zimpenfish wrote: post #90
socket0 wrote: post #86

Earlier quoted context omitted.

I have no idea whether they're commonly accepted rules. Like most other cargo cult daters I like to think there are rules, and that they mean something, but when all is said and done I'm pretty sure you're right. It's a complex interplay of roles and traits shaped in part by evolution to weed out unfit candidates. On that we built our cargo cult: I have no idea what I'm doing, but when interacting with a potential lo…

> It's a complex interplay of roles and traits shaped in part by evolution to weed out unfit candidates. That would only apply to procreation, surely, not dating.

In modern times dating is the primary mating ritual between individuals.

Re: She’ll Text Me, She’ll Text Me Not

#99

Post by cableshaft »

Jtsummers wrote: post #44
mhb wrote: post #39

I realize that this is an inquiry from another era, but people find it acceptable that other people know when they have read a text? Isn't that pretty intrusive?

IMs had that feature in the 90s, so at least for the digital era it's not abnormal for most of us. Professionally, we use read-receipts in emails in my office.

I don't mind IM's showing the 'read' bit, but for some reason I've always found read receipts on emails rude, and when it pops up the prompt to send the receipt back I always hit 'Cancel'. I wonder why.

Re: She’ll Text Me, She’ll Text Me Not

#100

Post by herbig »

jameshart wrote: post #83
pmarreck wrote: post #75

So TL;DR: Uncertain reply-time-window dynamics enabled by the era of asynchronous/deferred indirect communication (aka "texting"/"emailing") create a situation where the psychological principles of the Variable Ratio Reinforcement Schedule ( https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Reinforcement ) kick in, which, as it turns out, is the most addicting, thus creating the most drama. I get that about right? ;) Word to the wise (s…

"score something"? Really?

The fact that this and my own comments are getting downvoted on this is sad.
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