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When Are You Really an Adult?

theatlantic.com

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Re: When Are You Really an Adult?

#131

Post by drumdance »

rprospero wrote: post #20
marknutter wrote: post #8

I hold that there is one very specific moment that signifies the transition from childhood into adulthood that is universal for all people – the moment you first realize that when it comes down to it, you are the only person who is responsible for you . That eventually, the charity of others will run out and all that will be left is your own reflection staring back at you, at which point you will need to decide wheth…

I'd say that the realization that you are the only person who is responsible for you is only half-way there. I'd say that full adulthood realization is that you are the only person responsible for you, but you are still responsible for other people . The reason I say that is I've know individuals who have taken the first mantra to mean that they hold no responsibilities to other people. That it is, in a reductio ad a…

I don't know about "for" other people, but definitely "to." The obvious example is showing up to work because it's expected of you, but more generally it's about keeping commitments. Socially, your health, personal goals etc.

Re: When Are You Really an Adult?

#132

Post by robryan »

cm2012 wrote: post #59
goodJobWalrus wrote: post #52

Earlier quoted context omitted.

I'm speaking purely from a personal level. Maybe it's cultural. I have grown up in a country where women work, so I never met a housewife. It would really be hard for me to feel independent while asking my husband for the pocket money. The few housewives I met later in life were quite infantilized compared to working women I know.

According to Slate's tool here, only 9% of married couples have only separate bank accounts (the situation where you have to ask your husband for pocket money if you don't have a job) : http://www.slate.com/articles/life/home_economics/2011/01/ou...

Interesting, we have always had a system where we contribute to joint expenses in a joint account but otherwise keep our own accounts.

It certainly avoids that situation in the article where the husband is resentful about an amount spent from joint finances.

Re: When Are You Really an Adult?

#133

Post by x3n0ph3n3 »

notdonspaulding wrote: post #111
x3n0ph3n3 wrote: post #87

Lots of parents here claiming they are more adult than non-parents...

Not that it excuses any condescension, but it's worth noting that all parents have had experience in both the "don't have kids" and "have kids" camps. When parents talk (complain, whine) about how non-parents have it so easy, what they're really commenting on is the relative change in difficulty they experienced in their own lives when they switched camps, moreso than the difficulty of their life vs. yours.

What does the difficulty of life have to do with being an adult, though? Where does this presumption that "adultness" is correlated with "difficulty of life" come from?

Under the same reasoning, those who live in poverty are more adult because life is more challenging difficult for those with fewer resources at their disposal.

Re: When Are You Really an Adult?

#134

Post by nitrogen »

beccasanchez wrote: post #123
goodJobWalrus wrote: post #91

Earlier quoted context omitted.

I bet that too. He has a world-class career, made a fortune, had several wives and multiple children. He hit every "adulthood" milestone western society ever came up with.

He achieved all those things before his illness though. He had financial independence, status, and a career before he became paralysed. This means he could pay for his own nursing, and that's exactly why people see him as an adult. Here's the thing: what people are calling "adult" is nothing other than the traditional definition of "man" A "man" is a person who is independent, powerful, free, makes his own decisions,…

For what it's worth I didn't downvote any of your other comments but I did this one, despite this being the most substantive one in this thread. It feels like you're trying to pick a fight rather than have a useful discussion in the other comments, and in this one pull out a bizarre tangent into the definition of a "man".

Maybe internally you and I and the other commenters all feel the same about equality but with different vocabulary, but the language and framing used here seems likely to have a divisive effect. Rather than letting all of these downvotes cause discouragement participating, hopefully they can help to converge on a useful, non-divisive approach to actually sharing information instead of sticking to what may come across as inflammatory.

Re: When Are You Really an Adult?

#135

Post by x3n0ph3n3 »

johnchristopher wrote: post #116
x3n0ph3n3 wrote: post #56

Earlier quoted context omitted.

Maybe we shouldn't consider such people adults, then. Often times developmentally disabled children reach "adulthood" but are still considered incompetent and require guardianship.

Still, I believe the spectrum going from developmentally disabled to depression (or OCD for instance) is too wide to put every member of the set under the incompetent label.

You provided a scenario where the mental illness hampers their ability to be an adult. Those with a mental illness that doesn't hamper their ability are necessarily excluded from that categorization.

Re: When Are You Really an Adult?

#136

Post by x3n0ph3n3 »

TeMPOraL wrote: post #113
x3n0ph3n3 wrote: post #56

Earlier quoted context omitted.

Maybe we shouldn't consider such people adults, then. Often times developmentally disabled children reach "adulthood" but are still considered incompetent and require guardianship.

Yay, thanks :). I'll be recruiting competent guardians for myself then. CVs welcome. Mail is in the profile. ;). Seriously though. Often the part of living with depression is keeping up appearances, so that you don't get labeled by friends and relatives as a childish adult. For some reason, many people tend to switch to a condescending attitude then, and this is very much not helping the depressed person.

Children growing up also don't like people condescending and treating them as the children they are. If a child puts on the appearance of being an adult, should we treat them as such and give them the rights and responsibilities of being an adult?

Re: When Are You Really an Adult?

#137

Post by chongli »

intopieces wrote: post #33
rprospero wrote: post #20

Earlier quoted context omitted.

I'd say that the realization that you are the only person who is responsible for you is only half-way there. I'd say that full adulthood realization is that you are the only person responsible for you, but you are still responsible for other people . The reason I say that is I've know individuals who have taken the first mantra to mean that they hold no responsibilities to other people. That it is, in a reductio ad a…

> but you are still responsible for other people. I couldn't disagree with this any more. I've spent years and years of my life trying to be responsible for other people, trying to make their lives the way I thought they 'should' be -- helping people find jobs, encouraging them to do x/y/z. I'd come into people's lives and it'd be like I walked into an old house: "Let's just fix this here, and that there, and pretty…

When you help people you should make it clear to them that they need to meet you half-way. If they ask for your help, it should be obvious that if they aren't willing to meet you half way then you aren't responsible for them and are probably hurting them by trying to help.

Re: When Are You Really an Adult?

#138

Post by wordbank »

russnewcomer wrote: post #14

I've frequently thought this over the past few years, and I feel like the conclusion I have is different than others in this thread. I don't becoming an adult is really about you, exactly. It's not about your independence, or your actions. It's about when other people become dependent on you. I think this is the way that it has long been thought of in cultures outside of the post-Enlightenment West. This was my stron…

Duh, sorry, but the culture and history of Russia (and neighboring slavic countries) is an example of how to run away from all sorts of responsibilities.

Probably it sounds good in our classic books but in reality the only "other people become dependent on you" case is nepotism like in Middle Eastern or Central Asian cultures.

But at least people from these cultures care about their elders and far relatives. Russians do not.

Re: When Are You Really an Adult?

#139

Post by sdegutis »

anonbanker wrote: post #28
sdegutis wrote: post #16

I'm 30, married, have 4 kids (with one on the way), own a house, and have a good job. But I cannot grow a mustache or beard, except for a small patch under my chin; the best I can do is literally a neck beard. I'll never feel like an adult. Ever.

grow a goatee.

I can't even do that! The tiny little neckbeard doesn't connect to my mustache at all. It doesn't even come up onto my chin. It just makes me look like a weird dorky 19 year old who's trying to grow his first beard and probably trying to enroll in community college.

Re: When Are You Really an Adult?

#140

Post by sdegutis »

beccasanchez wrote: post #30
sdegutis wrote: post #16

I'm 30, married, have 4 kids (with one on the way), own a house, and have a good job. But I cannot grow a mustache or beard, except for a small patch under my chin; the best I can do is literally a neck beard. I'll never feel like an adult. Ever.

This is hilarious. But do you realize you're implying that women can't be adults? The discussion sounds a lot like 'when do you become a man' than it does 'when do you become an adult.' For instance, most women throughout history were financially dependent on their husband. They would not make independent decisions. They were not solely responsible. Did that mean they weren't adults? The 20-30% of women who still bec…

Sorry, let me clarify:

I'm a guy. For some reason, in my mind, adulthood for guys is defined as having a really great beard.

And for some reason, I can't grow a beard. I get a tiny little patch under my chin, and that's about it.

Because of this, sometimes I feel like I'll never be an adult.

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